Will you still love me tomorrow?
by Ria Sakazaki
Summary: “I love Xander, Ryoga. I want to cherish him…but I couldn’t deny the fact that I love them as well.” I'M BACK WITH A VENGEANCE! Please prepare your tissue boxes! Ryo/OC and OT5...plus slight Yuki/Ryo
1. shattered

A/N: I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!!

willwillwill

A crash punctuated the screaming when Ryoma fell back against the bed, his hand hitting the elegant lampshade which sent it crashing against the floor.

"HOW COULD YOU?!?!"

Ryoma winced as he touched his cheeks. He did not look at Atobe...or Fuji. Not even at Tezuka or Sanada. There was only one thing that is going inside his head.

'He hit me.'

"How dare you come back here after you spent the whole night with that bastard?!?!?" Atobe was fuming in anger. He wanted so much to maul, hurt and inflict pain on the young man. He wanted to make him feel the same amount of pain that he is currently dealing with.

On his other hand was a CD...sent by Yukimura just to spite them. It was a CD of him and Ryoma.

Blinded by rage he moved to hit him once more but strong arms seized him.

"Let me go Mitsu! Gen!" he tried to escape from their firm grips but they are much too strong. "Syusuke!"

Fuji just stood there, watching the whole scene unfold. His eyes were opened and yet his expression was unreadable.

"Ryoma, just leave." Tezuka told the young man on the bed. As much as he wanted to vent out his anger on him, he couldn't.

"Leave this house. I don't want to see you ever again."

Ryoma stared at them for a few seconds, extreme hurt evident in his golden eyes. His heart felt so strained for the simple words that came out of Tezuka's mouth. One night...just one night that he couldn't even remember is the reason for this fiasco. However, seeing the obvious hatred from his lovers...no, former lovers' eyes, Ryoma felt as if someone punctured his chest...he couldn't breathe right.

"Fine."

He heard a gasp. He didn't need to see who it was...they asked him to leave...to disappear from this room, this house, their lives...

He stood up and started for the door, still wincing. Whatever they are accusing him of, it must've have been true since his ass hurt like hell. However, he couldn't really remember any of it.

As he counted every step he took, memories of their 7-year relationship soon came rushing back to him.

"Why now?" He asked, his voice soft enough to keep the other from hearing him. His eyes clouded with tears but he fought against it. 'No...I won't cry. I will never cry.' He yanked the door open and slammed it shut, not caring if he woke up the whole mansion.

To hell with them! Ryoma bit his lip hard as he made his way down the stairs, enduring the ache inside his chest and the rest of his body. What did Yukimura do to him? Why did everything ended like this?

He took a deep breath. 'It's too late for that now.' He made his way towards the door when Yosuke, the butler blocked his way.

"Master Ryoma, where are you going? It's the middle of the night--?"

"Home Yosuke." Ryoma pushed past the man and pulled the massive oak doors open. When the cold breeze of the night finally embraced him, he found the strength to run...as fast as he could.

They want him gone...and he didn't need to be told twice about getting out of there fast.

"Che! So much for happily ever after." He muttered angrily as he put his car into gear. In a split second, Echizen Ryoma disappeared into the night...leaving a shrill silence that loomed inside the Atobe Mansion.

will

None of them made a move to follow the young man. They just stood there, as if void of life and energy as they listened to the sound of a car engine brought back to life.

The sound of thundering footsteps brought them back to reality.

"Master Keigo! Master Ryoma has left!" Yosuke barged inside the room, noticing the gloomy faces of its occupants.

"Get out Yosuke." Atobe snapped at him. "This is none of your business."

The icy in those obsidian eyes told Yosuke that he better listen to his young master. He sighed deeply before leaving. When the door was shut, Fuji collapsed onto his knees, sobbing his heart out.

Tezuka immediately went to the tensai. Atobe soon felt Sanada's grip on him loosened so he shrugged his hands away.

"I'm sleeping in my parent's bedroom." with this he left.

Sanada collapsed on the bed, silently shedding his own tears. "Kunimitsu...i-is this really the end?"

Tezuka looked up to him, eyes brimming with unshed tears. "I don't know Gen...I don't know."

"Oh god, w-why? How could h-he cheat on us?" Fuji sobbed into Tezuka's chest.

willwillwill

A/N: Now that was rather short...I know. I just can't compose my thoughts yet. Yes...the intro was rather controversial. It appears that Ryoma slept with Yukimura but he can't remember any of it. You'll know next chapter.

This time for WYSLMT,

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. drifting away

A/N: I'M BACK! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review 

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations. 

Yeah I noticed how short the last chapter was. Yukimura will have a short but vital exposure in this story. 

willwillwill

Ryoma hugged himself tight as he stood outside the door, waiting for Nanako to open it. He's only wearing his tennis shorts and shirt...nothing more. He left abruptly that he didn't manage to grab something to keep him warmer. 

"Damn Nanako...hurry." He was already shivering. He pushed the door bell again. 

"Who is it?" Came a query from the other side of the door. 

"Nanako it's me, Ryoma!" He cried. "Open up!" 

It only took a few seconds for the door to slide open. 

"Ryoma! What happened to you?" Nanako gasped at the state her cousin was in. He was shivering and there was a small bruise forming on his left cheek. "Did you get in a fight?" 

Ryoma pushed past his cousin. "Damn Nanako, it's freezing outside! You should've let me in first before asking." He stomped towards his room, not actually in the mood for answering questions. 

Nanako closed the door and shook her head. "Your mother called earlier. She's asking how you are." 

Ryoma paused in mid-step. "Did she?" Soon a warm feeling filled his iced chest. "Fine, I'll call her." 

willwill

Ryoma tossed and turned but he couldn't get himself to sleep. He sat up and glanced at his cell phone. Did he really think they'd call him? 

'You're being stupid Ryoma.' He grudgingly took the gadget, intent in smashing it against the wall when a thought came to him. His fingers moved deftly across the key pad as he stared outside, to the moon from up above. 

He placed the phone to his ear and listened to the steady ring. Steady...stability...he thought he had that in the arms of his lovers. However, when Tezuka uttered those hateful words, those feelings became so strange now. 

**"Ryoma?" **

Ryoma took a deep breath at the soft sound of his mother's voice. "Mom, is it still possible for m-me to come and l-live with you?" He felt his lips quiver as he spoke to the phone. 

There was a long pause from the other line, causing his heart to beat faster. 

**"Did it really come to this point?"**

Ryoma hugged his knees tight against his chest. "I don't know." 

A sigh was heard from the other line. **"I told you before that if they don't want you anymore, you can always come and live with your father and me."**

Those words caressed his heart softly that it made him shiver. He didn't notice the tears falling down his cheeks. 

**"Whatever we're called a family for?"**

willwill

Rinko sighed as she laid the phone back on the table. She knew that she should be happy, knowing that Ryoma finally decided to come to Britain to stay for good. She had been praying for this for so long. 

She shook her head and went out of the study to find her husband who was currently tending to their orchard. 

"I should be thankful. I should be elated.' She told herself as she went down the winding staircase. 'But I can't help but feel sad for him. I don't know what happened but I know Ryoma loved them deeply.' 

She stepped into the veranda, craning her neck to find her husband under the glaring heat of the sun. 

"Nanjiroh!"

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Fuji sat up abruptly, finally waking up from a horrible and vivid dream which included Ryoma writhing underneath Yukimura while the older one ravished his lover.

'Ex-lover.' Fuji corrected himself mentally as he tried to composed himself. His eyes fell on the two sleeping bodies on each his side. Aside form Ryoma, he's missing one more. 

"_I'm sleeping in my parent's bedroom." _

He slipped out of their massive bed, careful enough not to wake his other lovers and padded across the room. One elegant hand swiped an object from the dresser while on his way to the library. 

'People used to call me a sadist; thinking that I love seeing other people suffer.' He opened his laptop and inserted the CD. 'What they don't know is I'm a masochist as well.' He frowned when the video started playing. He bit his lip as jealousy surged up to its maximum peak while he watched Ryoma writhe in pleasure. 

"I wanted to convince myself that someone went wrong." He muttered as tears fell down his cheeks once more. "But seeing you, seeing you like this while you're with him makes me want to rip your heart away." He brought his hand up and traced Ryoma's feature on the video with a finger. 

"Like how you ripped mine into pieces."

willwillwill

Ryoma slept in most of the morning, not wanting to greet the day, not wanting to be haunted by the truth that he'll be waking up alone from now on. 

_"Leave this house. I don't want to see you ever again."_

Ryoma sprang up from his bed, sweating and panting hard. His eyes hurt. It was like he cried his eyes dry during the night. He closed his eyes, wanting to ward the pain off...hoping that it would also ward the greater ache that is inside his heart. 

_"Leave this house. I don't want to see you ever again."_

"Eleven simple words..." He muttered as he gingerly moved to sit on the edge of his bed. "I never thought it would be enough to end something that had been there for so long." 

He rubbed his arms to keep the chill from claiming him once more. His eyes caught sight of the clock on his beside table. 11:30...it's almost noon. He has a lot of this to tend to so that he could leave Japan for good. He forced his self to stand up and go to the bathroom. 

"They don't need to know..." He muttered as he turned the shower on and allowed the icy water stab his skin until he went numb. 

"They don't want to..."

willwillwill

"YOU DID WHAT?" Kirihara screamed. Before him sat a dejected Yukimura. He came in this morning to check on his friend only to find out a devastating truth. 

Yukimura rubbed his hand with his hands warily. "I know Aka-chan! I know that I'm probably the most hated person now but--"

"YOU DRUGGED HIM!" Kirihara whisked in anger. He could he how his friend flinched at the impact of his words. "You drugged him and you--you--"

"I know!" Yukimura cried in distress. He has tears escaping from his azure eyes. "I just couldn't stop how I feel anymore! God! I love him! I have been loving him for eight years and we would've been together if--if--"

"But he doesn't love you, Seiichi! He never did! His eyes were focused on four men!" Kirihara clenched his fists tight. "What he felt for you is nothing more than friendship! How many times do I have to tell that you shouldn't expect more than that!" 

His outburst was punctuated by a loud bang. Both of them jerked and gaped at the door where Ryoma stood like a big "X". 

'Uh-oh...' Kirihara swallowed hard. 

will

Tezuka tried to focus on reading his notes. He needs to. He's in his 3rd year in law school and this the time when he should concentrate the most. But he couldn't. Every time he stares at his notes, Ryoma's face kept on popping in his head.

'Ryoma's hateful eyes.' Tezuka sighed. He adores those golden orbs so much. 

_"Leave this house. I don't want to see you ever again."_

"Did I really mean that?" He asked himself. Yes, he's now realizing the weight of the words that he uttered. He's cutting all connections with the golden-eyed man. He's asking him to disappear from their lives, his life. 

'But it was his fault. It was he who...' He shook his head, not wanting to remember the sordid picture from the video he saw. 

"Damn you Ryoma..."

will

The storm died down and it left a bruised Yukimura, an exhausted Kirihara and a dejected Ryoma. They were all crumpled in a heap on Yukimura's dorm room. 

"God I hate you so much Seiichi." Ryoma panted as he untangled himself from Kirihara's grip. The poor man was acting like a referee/shield when Ryoma attempted to maul Yukimura. 

A sob was heard from the teal-haired man. "I'm sorry." 

Ryoma sat up and hugged his knees tight against his chest. "I should probably kill you right now for fucking everything up in my life. I should..." 

Yukimura looked up, tears falling steadily down his pale cheeks. "T-then do it." 

"But I won't." Ryoma snapped at him. "You were by best friend Seiichi!" 

Yukimura buried his head in his hands. "B-but I love you Ryoma...I really, really love you..." 

Kirihara sighed and sat up as well, posing as a barrier between the two, just to keep the golden-eyed man from murdering his friend. "What now?"

Ryoma sighed and dusted his cap. "I'm leaving for Britain tonight." 

"What!" Yukimura and Kirihara spat in unison. 

Ryoma threw them a side glance. "I just came here to beat the crap out of you and fix my papers. I'm on the last flight that will leave for Glasgow tonight." 

Yukimura hastily wiped his tears away. 'N-no...' He tried to crawl up to the man but Kirihara stooped him. "But what about your studies? Your tennis? We're supposed to officially debut as pros next spring!" He ignored the incessant tug in his heart. 

"What about your lovers?" 

Ryoma pinched the bridge of his nose. He could sense an intense migraine coming. "I'll continue studying there. And as for tennis, I officially left the country's line-up for the US Open." He sighed. He tried moving his legs. Noting that he finally got the strength of his feet back, he stood up. 

"As for them, it's over." Ryoma took a deep breath before heading for the door. "But don't get your hopes up, Seiichi. You may have succeeded in breaking us up, but there's no way I'm hooking up with you." 

"And besides, you broke my trust." 

will

Sanada spent the entire day in his family's dojo. He took the day off from business school to clear his mind but he couldn't. 

He studied the scattered dilapidated dummies which he slashed mercilessly with his sword. He tried so hard to concentrate but he couldn't. Everything was happening too fast.

He slumped down on the floor, with tears silently falling down his cheeks. 

"R-Ryoma..." He bit his lip hard as he tried to suppress the pain in his chest. "Why?"

will

Atobe busied himself with work. Yes, even only at the age of 21, his father deemed it right that he take over the company already. And it was a good decision since the Atobe Patriarch didn't have that much time in this earth. 

"Atobe-sama, here are the files--"

"Just place it on my desk and leave." Atobe cut him off. He wasn't in his usual jubilant, haughty self. Today, he looked like the ghost of their former boss which came back to earth to haunt them. 

Another employee came in, looking as is he's going to wet his pants. 

"A-Atobe-sama?"

Atobe slammed his fists on the table and glared at the intruder. "What did I tell you my policies!" 

The man flinched. "I-I'm sorry Atobe-sama but there's a phone call for you from an Alexander Hawthorne. H-he said it's u-urgent--"

Atobe paused, recognized the name of the caller. "Connect him then get the hell out of here!" 

He closed his tired eyes. 'I need more distractions...I need more...I need something to keep me from thinking about him the whole day...remembering how his golden eyes used to shimmer in--' His train of thoughts was cut short when his phone beeped. 

He sighed and took the call. 

"How is my most favorite cousin in the whole world doing?"

willwill

Ryoma took a deep breath just as the taxi stopped in front of the Atobe's mansion. His eyes studied the regal-looking structure that he once called his home. 

'Ok Ryoma...it's time to close this chapter of your life.' In his hand was a CD case. 'I guess I wasted a lot of time asking them the same question...only to realize that each of them broke their promise.' 

He moved out of the taxi and walked towards the intimidating structure he used to love. 'Their love is did not last forever.' 

'They stopped loving me...my tomorrow with them is now nothing but a mere echo of the past.' 

willwillwill

A/N: I'm sorry...I still haven't organized my head. I've been through hell and back last week...that darned thesis proposal nearly had me on my knees. So I'm literally depressed right now. 

And yeah, I told you last chapter that it won't be as gloomy as "Forfeit" but I guess I'm wrong. 

No matter how bad this chapter is,

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!

I really need it to cheer me up!


	3. bleeding hearts

A/N: I'M BACK! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review 

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations. 

**THIS WILL BE MY ADVANCED EASTER GIFT FOR YOU ALL…I WILL BE GOING ON A 4-DAY VACATION SO I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO UPLOAD BY THEN. ENJOY!**

willwillwill

Ryoma took a deep breath as he walked towards the mansion...savoring every step that he took.

'This might be the last time I would stray in these grounds.' He entered the door swiftly, noting that Yosuke was running towards him. 

"Master Ryoma!" The butler actually looked elated. "Thank god you're back--" He was cut short when Ryoma just swept past him and started for the stairs. He had no choice but to follow the young man. 

"Is everything ok with you and the other masters, Master Ryoma?" He asked. "Are you moving back?" 

Ryoma gritted his teeth. Yes, Yosuke might be one of the greatest supporters of their relationship but his words do nothing to lighten up his mood. 

"I'm not moving back Yosuke." He muttered when he reached the second floor. "Where's Karupin?" 

Yosuke was taken aback by his answer. "Uh--she's inside your study Master Ryoma. M-Master Keigo brought her there last night." 

Ryoma frowned. 'Keigo loves Karupin...' He sighed inwardly. 'So he's taken to hating everything that reminds him of me?' With a heavy heart, he proceeded to his study with the butler still trailing behind him. 

will

Atobe glanced at the clock. It was almost 3 pm. Today is a Thursday and as a ritual, he and his lovers spend the afternoon together playing tennis. 

He sighed deeply. 'I don't think he'd have the guts to show up...' Making up his mind, he took his cell phone and dialed Tezuka's number. 

**"Keigo."**

Atobe sunk back on his chair. "I'm not in the mood to play tennis today, Mitsu. I was wondering if we can just head home." 

**"...S-sure."**

He uncrossed his legs and gripped the phone tight. "I'll be picking you up in 15 minutes, ok? Call Syu and Gen." 

willwill

Ryoma frowned as he surveyed his work. After successfully glaring Yosuke to stay away from him, he started on the task which brought him back to this house: packing. 

Five years ago, they decided to move in together. This was their solution to Ryoma's predicament when his father deemed it proper to move out of the country. And the rest of his life started by then...he was happy, even though he hardly showed much elation as Fuji and Atobe did. 

His train of thoughts was cut off when he heard Karupin meowing from her cage. The first thing he did when he got inside the room was get the feline into her cage. 

"I'm sorry Karupin..." He muttered as he zipped his bag. "I'm sorry for you have to make adjustments once more." He heaved the duffel bag onto his shoulders and took Karupin's cage with his other hand. He took one last look at the room in which he called his sanctuary. 

He took a deep breath, trying to pacify the sting in his chest. "They will never notice." 

He spun around and walked out of the room. He was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't realize that his feet brought him to a very familiar room. He blinked back the tears that welled-up in his eyes as he stared at the huge bed before him...the very same bed where he nursed his love for the four men he shared this bed with...the very same bed where his heart was shattered into a million of pieces. 

"Oh hell..." He breathed out, the tears and emotions that he kept at bay for quite a while finally broke free. He gently settled his bag and Karupin's gaze on the floor before he dropped into his knees and sobbed his heart out. 

_"Mitsu..." _

_The bespectacled man spared him a side glance. They were seated on a bench in Atobe's private tennis court, relaxing after a long match._

_"Will your feelings change if I start growing gray hairs and all?" Golden eyes looked up to him innocently. _

_Tezuka's lips formed a small smile. "Of course not Ryoma. My hair would be far worse before you start growing gray hairs." The stoic boy held his hand tightly. "I don't think age would change what we share." _

_Ryoma couldn't help but smile at the words that the older boy spoke. "Will you still love me tomorrow then?" _

_Tezuka's body shifted until their faces were too close that their foreheads were touching. "I loved you yesterday, I still love you today..." He paused to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "And I will continue loving you tomorrow." _

Ryoma hugged himself as he sobbed his heart out. 'L-lies...all lies...' 

_"G-Gen, time-out." Ryoma collapsed on the dojo's floor exhausted. He was helping Sanada practice. _

_Sanada chuckled a little before sitting beside him. "You have amazing stamina in tennis and in bed and you cannot handle martial arts?" _

_Ryoma chuckled in between pants. "I'm only a kid, you know. I can only do so much." _

_Sanada smiled down at him and reached in to wipe the sweat off his face."I love you Ryoma." His hazel eyes softened with emotion that made Ryoma gasp. _

_"G-gen...for how long will you stay in love with me then?" He dared to ask. "Will you still feel the same when we wake up tomorrow?_

_The raven-haired man leaned down to nuzzle at his neck. "Yes…tomorrow, for days, weeks, months, years...nothing will change." _

He tugged the silver band which dug in his skin off his finger. The warm pressure it exerted in his finger before now felt like vice grip, almost hurting him. 

will

Atobe's limousine stopped by its last stop: Sanada's Dojo. The moment that they were complete, the vehicle sped off to its final destination: their home. 

However that home now is missing something...something that meant the world to them. 

"Guys..." Fuji started. 

"Please Syu, not now." Atobe cut him off. "I-I can't deal with this right now." 

Sanada sighed. "But sooner or later we have to talk about this." His gaze was focused on Tezuka. "We cannot ignore the pain--"

"We're not ignoring it, Gen." Tezuka muttered. "We simply chose the best way we can deal with Ryoma's betrayal, on our own." 

will

_"S-Syusuke!" Ryoma whimpered as the tensai continued his onslaught on his neck. The older boy had him pinned against the shower stall of the clubroom and he was thankful that he sent everyone home just before the tensai decided to grab him. _

_"You're too hot to ignore Ryo-chan." Fuji gently bit the skin on his collar bone. "You're too irresistible."  
_

_Ryoma bit his lip to stifle a moan. "B-but w-what if a day will come and I'm no longer desirable or irresistible as you have said?" _

_That question made the tensai stop and stare into his golden orbs. "You will always be desirable in my eyes Ryo-chan. Now...tomorrow...forever." _

He struggled to stand up and lean against the dresser. He gently placed the ring beside a picture frame. 'W-why lead me on to believing that you will never leave me?' 

_"Why do you love to challenge Ore-sama's patience, brat?" Obsidian orbs glared at him. _

_Ryoma smirked. "Because I like every emotion that you display Monkey King." He stood behind the man, who was seated in front of the dresser, and slid his arms around his neck. "We fell in love this way, remember?" _

_Atobe smirked as he tugged at the boy to sit on his lap. "Right...I will never get tired of this...never." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. _

_"What if something happens to me tomorrow...will you still love me?" _

_"I will always love you Ryoma...always." _

He wiped his tears away and took the CD case from his pocket. He held it firmly in his hands, his tears falling unto it. 

"I recorded a-all your answers secretly...so that I will forever be reminded of your love." He bit his lip as he opened the case and took the CD out. He placed it on the table and picked up his things. 'Before I agreed to this relationship, I only gave you one condition and that is to never hurt me physically. All the acrid words I could take...but to feel the stinging pain in my flash which your very hands created is something I cannot pass off.' 

His baggage was light for he only took what he brought in...he's leaving all tangible memories behind hoping that without them...his heart would heal in time as well. 

will

Atobe's eyes narrowed at the sight of a taxi waiting outside their house. As far as he was concerned, they're not expecting any guests for the night. 

The limo stopped and they hurriedly got inside the house, only to be faced by an anxious Yosuke. 

"What's going on, Yosuke? Do we have any visitors?" Fuji asked the butler who was sweating profusely. 

"N-no Master Syusuke. As the matter of fact, M-Ma--" 

"YOU?" His voice was drowned by Atobe's scream. It appeared that Ryoma was standing by the staircase, a duffel bag and Karupin's cage in hand. His knees shook at the impending confrontation. The golden-eyed man descended down the stairs, his face void of any emotion. 

"I can't believe what a thick-skinned bas--" Atobe started to rant but Ryoma just walked past him. It was Tezuka who grabbed Ryoma's arm. 

"What are you doing?" The bespectacled man blurted out. He tightened his grip on Ryoma's lifeless arm, not caring if he'd cause the man to bruise. 

Ryoma titled his head to face the obvious anger on those hazel orbs. He bit back the ache that nearly sent him choking. 

"I'm just doing what you asked me to do." Came a lifeless drawl from the golden-eyed man. He yanked his arm from Tezuka's death grip and continued walking towards the door. 

"Ryoma!" Fuji cried. The tensai tried to run after him but Sanada restrained him. So they stood there, frozen, as they watched Ryoma finally walked out of their house...their lives. 

will

Ryoma forced himself not to look back when he heard Fuji cried out his name. He just continued walking...continued on to his personal death march. He just shoved his bag on the back on the taxi and went in with Karupin. 

As the vehicle slowly moved, he cast one last look on the mansion where he had built his dreams and fulfilled some of them. He caught sight of his former lovers who remained frozen on their feet. 

He took out his cap and put it on. This was the only thing he has right now to shield him from the prying eyes of the world...to protect him from more pain. 

"Goodbye...my lovers." 

willwill

Ryoma was long gone before anyone of them moved. And it was Atobe who broke the spell. He was halfway up the stares before his lovers could react and follow him. 

With tears in his eyes, he stormed inside their bedroom and spotted the silver band which glistened under the setting sun. He walked towards the dresser and swiped everything on it, ring and CD included, and sent its contents flying everywhere. 

"NO!" He screamed as he continued his war against the ceramics and furniture. "HOW COULD YOU?" He collapsed on the floor, still sobbing his heart out. 

"I love you damn it..." He gripped on the wood tightly, as if trying to appease the pain in his heart. "W-why did you break my heart?" 

He just sat there, sobbing his heart out while his lovers stood by the door, watching with tears streaming down their faces. 

"I-I loved you..."

willwillwill

Ryoma arrived at the airport only to find Nanako and Yukimura waiting there for him. As much as he wanted to disappear incognito, Fate wouldn't let him. 

"What are you doing here?" He turned his attention to his ex-best friend. 

"I-I.." Yukmura stammered. 

"I asked him to come, hoping that we can still stop this display of idiocy of yours." Nanako cut him off. 

Ryoma sighed. "You cannot stop me anymore, Nanako. My mind's made up." 

**"Calling all passengers of flight #5689 to Glasglow, Britain, the boarding gate will open in 10 minutes."**

Ryoma stared up the electronic board and saw his flight. He turned his attention back to Yukimura and Nanako. 

"Just promise me one thing." He said. 

"Don't tell anyone where I am, especially them. Only if they asked, which I doubt they would, then you can give my location." He turned his back to them and started walking away. 

"Ryoma please...!" Yukimura wanted to grab the young man and hold on to him until he misses his flight. 

Ryoma paused. he took a deep breath. "For what it's worth Seiichi, I forgive you. You acted out of sheer desperation. Just don't expect that I will forget everything so easily." 

will

"Keigo, what are you doing?" Syusuke asked when he came back to the room, only to find maids and other helpers moving out things. 

Atobe, who finally recovered, stood by the window. "We're moving to another room." 

"Why?" Fuji turned to Tezuka who was merely watching everything. 

"This room pains us too much." It was Sanada who spoke up. "He made a move to get on with his life...I think we should too." 

willwill

Ryoma leaned against the small window, watching Tokyo became a mass of pin lights before him. In 24 hours his life changed...however, those 24 hours seemed to have weighed like years. 

He hastily wiped away the treacherous tear that escaped his eyes. 'You have loved and died Ryoma...now you have learned your lesson.' 

'Love sucks.' 

will

Nanjiroh finally recovered from his initial shock from Rinko's news. For years he never waivered in convincing his son to follow them but the young man was as stubborn as a rock. Upon hearing what forced his son to flee to them, it made him feel sad. 

"Papa Jiroh? Is everything ok?" A deep voice echoed into the air. The man turned to his companion who was staring at him curiously. The man was posed to snip off an orange fruit from the branch. "Is orange-picking with me boring you? I'm sorry for putting you up to this." 

Nanjiroh forced himself to smile. "No, Xander. It's not you." He shook his head and went back to his task of picking oranges. "It's my son." 

A pair of icy blue eyes softened. A hand gently tucked a stubborn lock behind his ear. "Ahhh...Ryoma-kun is it?" 

Nanjiroh nodded and gazed at the handsome redhead. "He's coming to stay for good." 

The man's lips curved up into a smile. "Really? Oh I will be delighted to meet him, Papa Jiroh." 

Nanjiroh nodded. He sighed and pocketed his shears. "Xander..." 

"Yes, Papa Jiroh?" 

"Look after him, will you?" golden eyes met azure ones in an intense gaze. "Help him heal."

Icy blue eyes sparkled in delighted. "I promise, Papa Jiroh. I will take care of him, like how you took care of me." 

willwillwill

A/N: Oooohh the drama! I am happy to announce that I am officially done with the 2nd semester of my 3rd year! Yay! No more quizzes, no more assignments, no more reports, no more exams, revalida, thesis defense and most of all, NO MORE GRAND CASE PRESENTATION! Yay!...well that would only be for two weeks. 

My summer classes starts by April...yeah my life sucked! 

Contrary to what most of you requested, the OC will be quite hard to hate...what to know why? Because...I LOVE ANGST! AND I LOVE SEEING PEOPLE FLINCH IN PAIN! 

SO IF YOU WANT MORE, 

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!


	4. wound me

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

willwillwill

(A/N: Time line is set two years later)

Ryoma slipped past the orange orchard to check on his newest project...a small apple plantation. Having given up tennis, he found another passion to vent up his frustrations on...farming. If anyone who knew him before heard that the Great Echizen Ryoma became a fruit farmer, they would've laughed their asses off. Not that he's ashamed of what he had become or something...he just loved the quietude it offered to him.

For two years he was busy going to Agriculture classes...vowing that he will be the heir to his parent's livelihood. Nanjiroh was adamant about it, still believing that Ryoma was the one to fulfill his dream in becoming the no. 1 tennis player in the world. The young Echizen solved the dilemma by getting Ryoga back into the family circulation...and so it was the older sibling who went pro and not him.

Ryoma smirked when he saw the yellow fences that he put up the other day. Having bought half a hectare from Xander, he went off to start on his little project. Sure, the Echizens were now known to be the best producer of oranges in Glasgow but Ryoma grew tired of its citrus color and its citrusy scent.

_"Apples." Ryoma announced. This outburst made his parents look up to him in shock. _

_"Really Ryoma? That's a bit hard to grow in this kind of weather." Rinko told him. _

_Ryoma sat back and smirked. "That's why I want to try...I mean just imagine if we're able to grow the finest apples here in Glasgow." _

_Nanjiroh's eyes narrowed. "And if this fails?" _

_"It will not fail!" Ryoma snapped at him. "I will not fail. I just believe that I can do this. Please...give me more reason to..." _

_Rinko frowned at how distressed the young man was. "Ok fine...but where are you going to get the extra land? We have just expanded our orange orchard a few months ago." _

_Ryoma relaxed under his mother's concerned eyes. "Xander and I talked about this..."_

Ryoma pushed back the wooden gate and stared at his masterpiece. About 10-15 seedlings were now about his waist's height. He stepped further to caress a healthy looking leaf.

'I told you I will not fail.' Ryoma smirked. His eyes wandered across the plantation. 'Why did I plunge into this madness?' His smirk was not replaced by a sad smile. 'It's supposed to be out 9th anniversary in two days...I guess I just needed something to help me forget...'

"RYOMA!!"

He sighed. He knew that voice...it had been the voice that kept him grounded...mostly out of near insanity.

"RYOMA!!"

Ryoma frowned. Xander has never sounded this distressed before. They played hide-and-seek a couple of times in the past since the redhead had taken his father's wish to heart and vowed himself to wooing the golden-eyed man however, there was something off from the redhead's voice.

Xander...he was the wealthy heir of Hawthorne Castle. With his parents banishing him for his sexual preferences, he settled in Glasgow where his eccentric uncle gave him all his wealth. It was from his Uncle that his father brought a large chunk of land to start his business. It was he who helped him get back on his feet.

It was he who offered Ryoma a new chance at love...a chance that he refused...

"RYOMA!!"

Another voice joined the latter and Ryoma recognized it as the voice of the butler of the Hawthorne Castle, Richard. He made a move towards the voices when something seized his heart which caused it to race.

Fear...anxiety...why?

Ryoma ran towards the voices calling him...something unknown started eating into his soul.

"Ryoma!!"

He stopped when he saw the familiar redhead a few meters away from him, panting and crying at the same time.

"What the hell is going on?" Ryoma demanded. Soon the old balding butler appeared next to his master, in no better condition.

"Ryoma..." The redhead wiped his tears away and rushed to grab the perturbed young man. "Ryoma please be strong." He muttered into his ear.

Ryoma tried to push Xander away, confusion overriding the turmoil of emotion in his chest right now. "W-what?! Wait, please calm down!"

Xander held onto him firmly, as if wanting to shield the young man from all the pain in the world. "Ryoma, I'm sorry."

Ryoma suddenly pushed back to gaze up into those teary, icy blue eyes.

"P-Papa Jiroh a-and M-Mama Rinko..." More tears escaped from those exquisite orbs. "T-They're dead..."

Somehow, in the stillness of the air, Ryoma forgot how to breathe...his chest ached. And the ache grew stronger as seconds passed by in an agonizing pace.

The citrus scent of the air he forgot...for nothing else would register in his head aside from the fact that his whole world came crashing down...again.

willwillwill

**Former-Tennis-Pro-turned-Successful-Entrepreneur and wife died in a massive vehicular accident**

Ryoma tossed away the newspaper. It was like the night two years ago...the difference is, he's now saying goodbye to two of the most important persons in his life...his parents.

It had been two days after the accident and he shied away from the rest of the world, nursing his own pain.

_"Ryoma, please be reasonable." Richard let out a sigh of frustration as he tried to grab the urns from the golden-eyed man's grip for the fifth time. _

_"NO!!" Ryoma stubbornly evaded him. "I'm not being reasonable today! I'm not going to think rationally! My parents are dead damn it! Please!" With tears spilling from his eyes, he tried to run out of the room but the considerably bigger form of Xander blocked his way. _

_"Ryoma, I won't let you scatter your parent's remains on the orchard." Icy-blue eyes narrowed in anger. "Not until your brother gets here. They need a proper—"_

_"What I'm doing is proper!!" Ryoma screamed at him. "They worked hard for the farm! They—"_

_A distinctive sound of flesh hitting flesh cut through the heavy tension that filled the room. _

_"You are not giving what your parents rightfully deserve!!" Xander hissed._

_Ryoma's eyes were wide open in shock as he brought one hand to touch his stinging cheek. _

_Xander took deep breaths before he grabbed the young man and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Don't be selfish, please. I'm sure Papa Jiroh and Mama Rinko never wanted to see you like this."_

_Ryoma tried to break free from the redhead's arms but it seemed that all his strength left him. _

_"Wait for Ryoga. He'll know what to do." Xander muttered against his hair. _

"Ryoma."

The golden-eyed man flinched at the soft voice that seemed to falter into the air.

"Ryoga told me about your deal earlier." A warm hand clasped his shoulder. Ryoma closed his eyes to savor the stability it offered him but he didn't linger on it. He shrugged the hand away.

"What about it?" He snapped.

Xander sighed and smiled at him. "I think it was a good idea."

Ryoma just stared back at him with blank golden eyes. "Are you happy now? Do you feel accomplished by making my life more miserable?"

Xander flinched inwardly. Who would've thought that words uttered with such lifelessness can cut deep?

"You know it's ok to show people how you really feel." He moved to stand next to him, overlooking the vast orange orchard. "I mean when my uncle died, I just—"

Ryoma spun around to grab his shirt. "What do you know about how I feel?!" He hissed at the redhead. Tears once again spilt out of his eyes. "How do you suppose I should feel?!" He pounded Xander's chest with his fist. 'First my lovers, then my parents?! What else would they take away from me?!'

A sad smile was plastered on his lips as he took every blow Ryoma gave him. 'It's ok...let it all out. I'm here.' He closed his eyes as he recalled a conversation with Nanjiroh.

_"What happened to him?" Xander asked while watching Ryoma sulk in the orchard from the Echizen's veranda. "I supposed he should be elated when he arrived last week but how come he's acting all depressed?" _

_Nanjiroh sighed and turned his back from the scene. He leaned against the wooden railings. "I guess losing something so valuable to you really does take your will to live away." _

_Xander eyed the man warily. "I don't understand." _

_Nanjiroh smiled at him. "You will Xander...once you have found that thing that will give you the motive to live." He glanced back at his son who was sulking underneath an orange tree. _

_"In my son's case, it's love." _

"Pain...I want you to feel pain and savor it, Ryoma." Xander muttered as the young man collapsed against his chest, exhausted form the ordeal. "I don't want you to hide from it. I want you to face it and accept it." His heart grew warm when he felt Ryoma cling to him as he sobbed his heart out against his chest. He gently tucked him in his embrace.

"And if you feel that you can't handle it on your own, share it with me." He leaned down and placed a kiss on Ryoma's temple. "And if you're sick with it, I'll carry the burden for you."

"I will not leave you...unlike those who became the reason for your pain."

will

**"It is indeed unfortunate that one of the greatest personas in tennis passed—"**

Tezuka jerked in annoyance when Atobe switched off the television. They were having a vacation in Jamaica, celebrating their 9th anniversary. Well, 2nd if Atobe insisted...their 2nd anniversary as a foursome.

"Keigo, why did you turn off the TV?" Sanada asked, emerging from the bathroom. "The news was on."

Atobe huffed and slid into the bed next to Tezuka. "I thought we promised not to entertain "distractions"? This time is allotted for ourselves and ourselves alone." He nuzzled against the bespectacled man. "Right, Mitsu?"

Tezuka grunted and held the diva in his arms. "Where's Syu?" He asked.

Sanada slid next to Atobe, sandwiching the diva between him and Tezuka. "He's in the shower...still recovering." A playful smirk grazed his lips.

"I heard that Gen!" Came an indignant protest from inside the shower.

Tezuka let a small smile graze his lips before he turned his focus on the chandelier above. 'Two years...where are you now, Ryoma?' He closed his eyes and a picture of the golden-eyed man popped before him. It made his heart ache with longing. He knew that we and his lovers were living in a farce for the past two years, acting like everything's back to normal.

'But nothing was back to normal.' Tezuka sighed inwardly. 'Every morning, for two years, I still wake up, longing to find Ryoma nuzzled in my arms like a little kitten. I still imagine him on the other side of the tennis court, smirking and enjoying tennis.' He closed his eyes, sensing the tears as his eyes warmed up.

'For two years, I've been secretly pinning for you. I still love you, Ryoma.'

He felt a playful nip at his neck. He opened his eyes and gazed upon obsidian orbs.

"Mitsu, you should pay attention to Ore-sama specially when Ore-sama is in the mood for sex."

willwill

Ryoga had been pacing back and forth the castle hall for quite a while now. The sky was already a myriad of red and purple yet his impetuous brother was nowhere to be found. So his instinct led him to the familiar path towards the Hawthorne Castle.

"It's ok, Richard. Thank you." He forced a smile, hoping that the old butler would stop offering him tea. 'Well, tea's ok...but not if you're to have it for the 6th time. I think I'm going to be sick.'

The butler smiled back at him and set the tea pot down. "I'm glad that you seem to be taking everything maturely, Ryoga." He said.

The older Echizen sighed. "Well, someone's got to be in the family."

The elegant ivory doors opened and in strode Xander. He sent Ryoga an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry if I wasn't able to send word to you about Ryoma. He just didn't want to go home yet and he passed out from exhaustion so I brought him here instead." The redhead sat across him.

"It's ok Alex." Ryoga sighed, calling the man with his preferred nickname. "I needed the break anyway. I was able to finalize the plan and tomorrow I will be flying back to Japan with my parents' ashes."

Xander took the tea offered to him by Richard. "About that, I think I was able to convince your brother to come...on some conditions." He took a sip, eyeing the older sibling.

Ryoga's eyebrow arched up. "Conditions?"

Xander sighed. "Yes. He said that he will come, given that you will be the only one who will make the public appearances. He will fly in and out of Japan, and witness the whole ceremony incognito."

Ryoga felt another bout of headache coming. "Oh hell." He slumped back against the seat.

Xander set the cup down. "What I'm worrying about is why your brother seemed to hate Japan so much."

Ryoga rubbed his face with his hands. "You don't know the half of it, Alex." He groaned.

Richard cleared his throat. "Please excuse my intrusion but I think we should let Ryoma have his way this time. He did exhibit a very unusual grieving mechanism. If we push it too much, he might snap and who knows what will happen."

Xander pondered on his words for a while, remembering how vulnerable Ryoma look in his arms when he carried the boy into his bedchamber. He then looked up to Ryoga with determination flashing in his eyes.

"If you're worried that you'd have to tend to him the whole time, don't worry. I have it covered."

It was Richard who gasped. "M-Master Alexander! What in heaven's name are you talking about?"

Xander smirked at them. "Ryoma and I will fly to Japan incognito. I will have my private jet ready. And I will look after him throughout the entire stay so that Ryoga can focus on his parent's funeral.'

"B-but isn't this too much, Alex? I mean, you have done so much for our family." Ryoga felt the guilt starting to eat at his soul.

Xander shrugged. "If it's Ryoma then I don't mind."

"And besides, I did promise Papa Jiroh that I will take care of him and I will stick to that promise until I die."

will

Fuji slipped out of their bed in the middle of the night to gaze up the star-filled sky.

"Syu?"

He didn't need to turned around to see who called out his name. He just stayed there, standing in the veranda while looking out to the millions on stars above him.

"Syu." He relaxed when he felt the strong arms of Sanada warped around him. "Are you ok?"

Fuji didn't say a thing as he leaned back against his warm chest. He knew that his silence will no fool his lover but if he spoke of how much he misses a certain golden-eyed man; he knew that he'd be hurting someone.

"I know what you're thinking." Sanada whispered into his ear.

Fuji sighed. "We're going home tomorrow...back to reality. We are going to fall into the same routine where we get up each morning and pretend that we're fine even though we're not."

Sanada tightened his arms around the tensai. "I know. I long for him too...so much."

Fuji looked up to the stars and smiled sadly. "Do you think Ryoma's looking up to the same sky we're gazing upon now, Gen?"

Sanada followed Fuji's gaze and let his self be dazed by the shimmering blanket above them. "Maybe yes...maybe no. but I secretly hope that he does."

"Do you still love him? Because I still do. I just can't say it out loud because I know that until now, Keigo is still hurting." Fuji turned to face the man. "It gnaws at my heart that it seemed almost unbearable sometimes."

Sanada leaned in until their forehead touched. "I do Syusuke. I still love our little kitten, with all my heart. At first I hoped that one day, I will wake up with a partial amnesia so that he would vanish from my head but then the ache is far too strong. His face is forever etched in my memory...as my love for him had scarred by heart for good." He sighed as he pulled back, sadness clouding his eyes.

"I think among all of us, Keigo's the one who's hurting the most. Unlike us, he's obviously struggling each day to fight the emptiness Ryoma's departure created in his heart." He caressed Fuji's face tenderly.

"I think I'm the only one who noticed how his guard falters every time he deemed no one is looking; how his smile fades away sensing that every second reminded him of a missing presence that his soul craves so much."

"If I'm not mistaken, he loves Ryoma more than he loves us individually."

will

"If I'm not mistaken, he loves Ryoma more than he loves us individually."

Atobe swallowed hard as he tried to suppress the sob that wanted to escape his throat. It was painful, yes but it was nothing compared to the ache in his chest that Sanada's words created.

He closed his eyes, tears spilling from it uncontrollably. He shifted so that his back was facing Tezuka who was fast asleep. He doesn't want him, nor Fuji and Sanada how vulnerable he is right now.

'Yes...I love him so much and I am afraid to admit that he surpassed all three of you.' He gingerly wiped the tears away as he tried to calm down. 'And it hurts...Oh God it hurts to wake up everyday knowing that he's not there by my side so greet me using that atrocious nickname he created.'

'And this is the day that I am very much reminded of how much I need him back in my life.' He bit unto his fist hard, trying to null the pain in his chest.

'Oh Ryoma! Why did it have to end this way?'

will

Tezuka's eyes snapped opened when his felt the body in his arms was shaking a bit. When he was finally able to focus, he realized that it was Atobe who was silently crying in his arms.

Warmth flooded in his heart. He wanted to take the man in his arms and soothe his troubles away and yet he knew that the latter hated having his vulnerability shown.

With a deep breath, he decided to follow his heart and pulled Atobe's close to him. The diva whimpered but succumbed to his embrace nonetheless, his sobs were becoming less restrained.

"Shhh Keigo, it's ok." Tezuka muttered into his hair. "We all feel the same. You're not alone in this."

"It's ok to admit that you still love Ryoma. We all do. It's just sad that we had to accept the verdict of destiny on our relationship."

willwillwill

A/N: I don't feel well...I'm sick. This is the problem if you took a vacation in a cold place then you'd have to go back to the hot reality which is your house. I'm so not going back to Baguio because of this. I've been sick four days already so I don't trust the quality of this chapter.

Ok...I know that all of you are expecting a confrontation between the OT4 and Yukimura...patience my children, patience. It will not be a fiery one, like some of you might have expected but it's a confrontation nonetheless.

And I'm so building up Xander's rep ! So that it will be hard (if not very hard) for you to hate him. Ryoma and Nanjiroh call him Xander while Ryoga calls him Alex. Put it all together then call Richard.

And some of you are wondering that if there's an OC, how will it end up as an OT5 story? Hmmmm...must...not...reveal...plot...!

SO IF YOU WANT MORE,

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!

Oh yeah, it's my grade slip distribution today so if i failed to upload in two weeks, it means i failed and I'm dead. Thanks!


	5. the case of hope

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

willwillwill

"Syusuke, we're here."

The smooth voice of Tezuka gently woke him up from his slumber. Sleepy sapphire orbs slowly peeked from heavy eyelids.

"Really?" He asked as he fully roused form his sleep. He noticed that Sanada and Atobe already left the vehicle.

Tezuka opened the door and held his hands out to Fuji. "They already went inside to get some shut-eye before going to work."

Fuji couldn't help but frown. His eyes scanned the familiar mansion once he got out. 'Yeah...back to the never-ending play.'

will

"Ryoma, quit scowling. You're drawing too much attention already." Xander sighed.

Ryoma just shrugged and turned his attention to the Flight Board. Ryoga was already airborne towards Japan. He and Xander were just waiting for the signal to board their private jet.

'How do I avoid appearances?' He mused. The physical changes that occurred to him were minimal. His skin sported a darker shade and his muscles became more prominent due to the long exposure to the farm. Had he maintained the flawless Raphaelite look, the years had sharpened it for him.

'How do I avoid them?' He closed his eyes, trying to imagine how his ex-lovers would look now. 'They must all be young professionals now.' He smiled bitterly. 'The only one stuck in the same ground is me.'

"Ryoma."

'Should I be really doing this? I can still back out...I don't want to open the wounds that had been slowly healing for the past two years.' He just stood there, staring blankly at the flight board, completely ignoring the redhead. 'I don't know what I'll do if I'm to face them.'

A warm hand gently grasped his arm. "Ryoma, we're good to go." A warm breath grazed his ears, making him shiver.

He gazed up to the icy-blue eyes. "Do I really have to, Xander?"

Xander nodded before he started leading the raven-haired man towards the VIP boarding gate. "Are the memories still pushing you to chicken out?"

Ryoma jerked. He stared at the redhead in shock. "H-how did--"

Xander smiled. "I'm not blind to not see how bothered you look. But really Ryoma, are you going to let fragments of a past shadow your path back home?"

"I don't know what you are exactly going through but I know that it's not entirely because of the death of your parents. I do not have the right to pry but all I'm saying is, you should stop lingering in the past and face what lies ahead of you."

willwill

He had some sleep during the trip back to the mansion so he did not join the tired bodies on the bed. He couldn't. He felt restless...excited for some unknown reasons.

"You're up early today, Master Syusuke." Yosuke greeted him when he strayed out into the hall.

"I was well rested, Yosuke." The tensai smiled back. "I feel like walking around a bit."

The butler nodded. "Ahh, so let me leave you so that you can go back to your leisure activity then—"

"Yosuke." Fuji's eyes snapped open, staring at the old man intensely. "Do you know who has the key to our old bedroom?"

Yosuke's jaw dropped. No one has mentioned about the old bedroom where they used to occupy for two years.

Fuji sensed how anxious the old man became. His shoulders slackened. "I-I just want to check it out...for the last time."

Yosuke studied the brunette. He saw the sadness in his sapphire eyes. He's always like this, the days after their anniversary fort he past two years. Well, not only him but the rest of his master's lovers. He sighed and slipped his hand inside his pocket.

"Master Keigo will not like it if he learns that the room was reopened." He took out his sets of the keys to the mansion and led the way towards the abandoned bedchamber.

"Thank you so much, Yosuke." Fuji followed him. "I promise I won't mention anything to him."

They came upon a padlocked door. Anxious to see it again, Fuji's heart started to beat harder. The sound of the lock clicking made him tripled over.

"Here you go, Master Syusuke." Yosuke pushed open the oak doors, revealing a cold and imposing aura.

Fuji took a deep breath. "I'll lock up after I'm done here Yosuke." He stepped in and closed the door behind him. He scanned the chamber that was once the cradle of their love.

He took a tentative step further into the room and then froze.

_"Syusuke!"_

He spun around, hearing the fleeting sound of Ryoma's voice. He saw nothing. He closed his eyes again and in the void that he locked his self in, the colors started to spun into an image of Ryoma...on the bed, staring back at him with pain evident in his eyes.

_"Fine."_

He snapped back into reality, drawing in a sharp breath. He eyed the bed once more...but no one was there. He felt his eyes grew warm as he realized that everything that just happened were just memories...mere memories of their past.

He looked out the window and noticed that the soft rays of the rising sun started to peek into the dull room. He made his way to the window but a flash of light caught his eyes. He followed the ray of light until he saw the point of reflection. It was something metallic and shiny and it was stuck underneath the edge of the carpet.

He went down on his knees and pulled the object loose.

"A CD?" He asked aloud. 'Must be the CD that Yukimura sent.' he bit his lip as he examined the disc. But no, it was different. He knew that Tezuka already broke that CD into hundreds of pieces so there's no way that the one he's holding now is the same thing. He stood and opened the window.

"Must be some random CD Gen forgot to put away." He muttered to himself as he leaned against the window sill. He held the disc against the ray of sunlight and played with its reflection for a while...until it hit something on the ground which reflected the light back.

Fuji was curious. He bolted out of the room and ran down the stairs to get to the garden.

"Master Syusuke! You forgot to lock—"

"Do it for me, Yosuke!" He cried before disappearing into the yard. He ran, with the CD in hand, he searched the spot exactly under the window of their old room.

'Why does my heart race like this for something seemingly unimportant?' Fuji mused as he stumbled upon the bushes underneath the window. He searched the soil, his fingers digging into the dirt for the object that shone under the light earlier.

"It must've been a bottle cap or something." He shook his head in disbelief. He was about to leave when his eyes caught sight of the shinning object. He crouched down and picked it up.

He didn't realize that tears were falling down his face already as he grasped the object tightly and brought it to his chest.

'Ryoma's ring...of God I'm sure this is Ryoma's promise ring!'

willwillwill

As expected, Xander's private jet landed in Narita the next morning. Dressed in a simple shirt and slacks, he pulled the reluctant Ryoma out of his chair and into the car waiting for them in the tarmac.

"There's no use for your protest now Ryoma." Xander smiled, trying to cheer the raven-haired man up. "Do you want to go to your house?" They were inside Xander's new car, waiting for directions to come from the golden-eyed man.

Ryoma titled his head to look outside. Japan didn't change that much. The airport's still the same.

"Just drive Xander." He muttered.

"As you wish, darling."

Ryoma snapped back to him and glared. "Oi—"

Xander grinned. "You came here in disguise right? Why don't we pretend we're lovers--"

"Shut up and drive Xander or I'll jump out of the car." Golden eyes narrowed in annoyance.

"Fine, fine."

will

"Nanako."

Ryoga sighed and sat next to his cousin who seemed to be eternally positioning and reposition the urns of his parent's ashes.

"Why did this happen, Ryoga?" Nanako sniffled, not carrying to wipe her tears away. It had been seven years since she last saw her uncle and her aunt. And she never imagined that that would be the last time she'd see them.

"I don't know Nanako." Ryoga placed an arm around her and pulled her into his embrace. "All that's left now is me, you and Ryoma. It'll be hard but we'll manage"

Nanako couldn't help herself as she started sobbing her heart out against her cousin's chest.

Ryoga just sat their, staring at his parents' remains. 'I wish you have taught me how to break through the walls that Ryoma put up, Tou-san, Kaa-san.' He closed his eyes, tears falling down his face.

'So that I could be more help in easing the pain he's feeling. I don't know how to reach out to him. I don't know how to start helping him heal.'

willwill

Xander shook his head as he watching the fleeting image of Ryoma.

"I don't know if you made the right decision Alexander Hawthorne." He muttered. "But I guess I just couldn't stand the pitiful look in his eyes."

He scanned the busy metropolitan, trying to make up his mind. "Hmmm, with Ryoma gone, where am I off to now? Should I go directly to Ryoga?" He pinched the bridge of his nose, weighing his options.

Then it came to him. His eyes snapped open, excitement gleaming from his icy-blue orbs and energy coursing in his veins.

"Saa, I think it's time to give a certain someone a surprise visit." Grinning like a Cheshire cat, he stepped on the accelerator.

"I wonder what Kei would look like if I jump on him while he's sleeping."

willwillwill

As a routine for the past 9 years, the four of them spend Thursday morning out in a public court, playing. Sure Atobe owned a sports club with a professional-looking tennis court but nothing beats the excitement of being watched by amazed teens. They maybe past the age of 20 but they are still in their top forms.

"Keigo, are we expecting someone?" Sanada asked as he lowered down the window, staring at the expensive-looking red car parked haphazardly outside the mansion.

Atobe moved to join him and his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "What a plebian! He doesn't even know how to part his car properly!"

"You've got to admit, he does have a nice car." Fuji told them. The moment the car stopped, Atobe jumped out and rushed into the mansion, his lovers hot on his heels.

"Yosuke!"

"M-Master Keigo!" The butler gasped. "Y-you wouldn't believe who came!"

Atobe's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I wasn't expecting anyone Yosuke." His gaze turned to the garden where his eyes caught sight of something red.

"You're over-reacting Keigo." Tezuka muttered as they followed the diva.

"But he parked his car like he owned Ore-sama's place!" Atobe shot back, determined to find out his unwanted guest. They came upon a person with long, silky red hair seated on one of the tea tables, reading a newspaper.

"Keigo, mind your manners." Sanada warned him. The stranger stood up, his back still turned towards them.

"My Kei-chan, I never imagined you'd still have someone look over your manners at the age of 23. How adorable."

Atobe's jaw dropped. 'I know this voice...' He just stared dumbly as the stranger spun around, icy-blue eyes sparkling in delight.

"Are you one for surprises, Kei-chan?"

"Xander?!"

will

Ryoma sighed and turned back towards the opposite way. At first he thought that he should personally seek out his former coach to deliver the news but he lost all the courage to do so.

"I doubt if she still haven't heard of my parents' demise." He muttered as he walked up a familiar path. He took a deep breath and pulled his heart lower to cover his face. 'Better behave and refrain from giving Ryoga more headaches. He's doing his best alone when in fact, I should be the one who should step up and hold this gig.'

He slid his hands into his pockets. 'I guess I'm just proving that I'm nothing more but a big coward. I'm running away from everything. Just what I did two years ago.' He bit his lip, trying to shoo the looming pain away.

'It's just that I don't know what to do.' Ryoma looked up, only to find his self standing a few yards away from their house...the house which now has a long cue of grievers waiting their cue to enter and share his family's grief.

'My family.' Ryoma sighed deeply before slipping into the back street. He knew that he'd cause commotion and probably reveal his presence to the rest of the world if he used the front door so he'll use the temple instead.

will

It took a couple of minutes for the two cousins to settle down. Tezuka could sense major headache coming up as the two continued chatting like only the two of them existed.

"Keigo." Fuji muttered.

"You didn't tell me you were coming! I could've prepared something for you!" Atobe protested, still ignoring his lovers.

"And what? Ruin the essence of surprise? Come on Kei." Xander scoffed.

"Ahem."

"When did you arrive? Who are you with? Where are you staying?"

"AHEM!"

Xander's smile widened at the indignant look on Yosuke's face. "I'm sorry I was rude. I didn't mean to hog my cousin's attention immediately."

Atobe finally realized that he hasn't introduced his cousin to his lovers. "Oh I forgot! Everyone, this is Alexander Hawthorne. He's a cousin of mine from my mother's side. He just arrived from Britain this morning."

Tezuka smiled. "Welcome to Japan, Hawthorne-san."

Xander waved an impatient hand. "Oh so polite. I cannot imagine how you could stand my cousin's arrogant behavior." He eyed each one of them.

"Xander!" Atobe protested.

"But then I can sense that he's very lucky to have all of you in his life. Not everyone's blessed to have this opportunity like you do."

will

"I'm sorry." Ryoma kept his head low as Nanako took him in her embrace. "I can't imagine how much pain you're going through right now."

Ryoma breathed slowly. "It's ok Nanako. I'm dealing with it on my own."

"But everyone should--"

"Not know that I'm here." Ryoma's eyes narrowed as he met his cousin's gaze. After seeing the shocked expression on his cousin's face, his eyes softened. "I don't want to divert the attention of the people. This is my parents' wake. I don't want to desecrate it."

will

"So you're all tennis players? Wow." Xander was impressed. Not only his cousin was able to modify his attitude to accommodate a relationship but he succeeded in accommodating three...three equally strong personalities in his life.

"We just play for fun now. We chose not to go pro." Fuji replied.

Then he suddenly remembered Nanjiroh. "So this means you already know about the latest and hottest story in the circulation now?"

Atobe's eyebrow arched up. "Well, we haven't read any newspaper or watched sports news these past few days. We were in a vacation in Jamaica for a few days."

"Oh that's too bad." Xander sighed.

"Too bad? Why? Is there something wrong with the tennis community?" Tezuka asked.

Xander set his teacup down. "So you don't know a thing about Samurai Nanjiroh dying in a vehicular accident with his wife?"

Silence...his announcement was met by a few seconds of quietude. He studied the ashen faces before him, wondering what's wrong.

"N-no..."

willwillwill

A/N: I don't know what's happening to me! I can't fully grasp the idea for this story. Stupid Saint Beast! Stupid Princess Princess! Now I'm at a lost...

I don't know if this chapter is any good...gomen.

So now you have learned that Xander is Atobe's cousin...joy.

So if you want more...

MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!


	6. hard hand of reality

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

I realized that almost everyone, if not everyone, was socked to know that Xander is Atobe's cousin but if you actually go back to chapter 2, Atobe already referred to him as his "most favorite cousin in the whole world". And another thing, our beloved Yukimura reappears in this chapter. Let's see where that one lead to ok?

willwillwill

"What?" Tezuka blurted out. "No...how come we've never heard—no one mentioned—" He was at a loss. 'Jiroh-san and Rinko-san...dead? W-what about Ryoma?' His eyes darted to catch his lovers' eyes in panic.

Xander picked up the newspaper Yosuke brought him earlier. He had to be careful or else he'll blow Ryoma's cover.

_"Remember, if ever you feel like opening your big mouth regarding my parent's death, make it seem like you don't know them." Ryoma muttered, determined not to look into his eyes. _

_"But why? Why is there a need to pretend that I don't know the persons who came as close as parents to me?" Xander pouted. He wanted so much to know what was going on inside Ryoma's head but he's got to focus on the road ahead. _

_They only need one tragedy to last them a lifetime. _

_"Because you might slip. If people suspect that you are well-connected to us, they will asks questions and you know by heart that you're in no position to answer anything." Ryoma snapped at him. _

_"And besides, you might give away my location." Ryoma reached out and grasped Xander's shoulders, still not looking into his eyes. "Promise me, Xander. Please promise me that you won't say a thing about me being here." _

_"Ryoma..." _

_Ryoma turned his eyes angry and teary at the same time. "You promised me you'd protect me. Now prove it." _

_Xander was riveted at the sight of the agonizing man. He pulled over before he leaned in and let his forehead touch with Ryoma. _

_"Fine, I promise. No matter what sick and crazy reasons you have, I will not say things that are not mine to tell. Will that make you happy, Ryoma?" _

_"No." Ryoma closed his eyes. "But it makes me feel safe. Thank you." _

"It's all over the news for the past two days already. Look here, there's a big obituary for the two of them." He gave it to his cousin who still looked aghast. 'Eh? Is he that famous that even my cousin, the Great Ore-sama is this affected?'

Fuji leaned in as Atobe scanned the obituary for their ex-lover's parents. He looked up and met Atobe's eyes. It's hard to tell who he was reacting for his eyes glassed over.

"W-what about their sons? They have two sons. What about the remains?" It was Sanada who fired out the questions. He buried his face into his hands. 'Oh god! How is Ryoma going to cope with this? Both Jiroh-san and Rinko-san...I can't imagine how he is right now!'

Xander took a deep breath, carefully selecting the words he's to say. "I heard from the radio earlier that only the oldest son came to Japan to hold a service for his parents. It was rumored that the youngest son facilitated the service abroad that's why the older sibling is taking charge now."

"Why? Do you know them personally?" His curiosity was now at its peak. 'Don't tell me, they revere Papa Jiroh as a Tennis god or something.'

Tezuka caught Fuji's warning glance. "His youngest son was a kohai of ours in junior high and his former coach was our coach." Tezuka fought the urge to frown. 'Do we really need to put up the facade until now? Ryoma's hurting...I can feel it. I don't think we have time for this!'

"Master Keigo! There's a report about the Echizens being televised!" Yosuke cried. In a blink of an eye, all four of them ran towards the mansion, leaving Xander behind.

"Hmmm...this is strange." Xander muttered to himself as he leisurely followed them.

will

Ryoma peeked into the receiving area where the remains of his parents were placed for the mourners. He was really surprised that a lot of people actually cared, adored and loved his parents, especially his father. His heart swelled with gratitude and yet he couldn't express it...he's supposed to be incognito.

He slipped back into his room when he saw the flashes of cameras. As expected, a lot of people from the Press came not only because of his father but because Ryoga's a celebrity now, with the world's ranking of no. 10. Another thing his father failed to see…his oldest son grab the no. 1 spot...his ultimate dream.

He had seen a couple of familiar faces, especially the old gang from junior high. Inui came by with Oishi, Kawamura and Kikumaru. They all demanded why he wasn't there and Nanako, asked to spare Ryoma the unwanted attention, said he had to stay and tend the orchard.

He sighed as he slumped back on his bed. A lot of people has deserted his life now. First were his lovers...then Karupin after stupidly sleeping inside one of Xander's wood chippers and then his parents.

'There's not much left in my life now but I'm still grateful that I'm not alone.' He curled up into a ball. 'There's aniki, Nanako and...' He closed his eyes and an image of Xander popped inside his head. 'Yes, there's he...as much as I don't want to, I can't help but entrust myself to him...he made me.'

will

Fuji had to bite his lip to suppress the sob that threatened to escape his throat. They just stood there, watching the coverage of the memorial service for the man whom they considered a father. He clenched his fists hard, fighting back the tears but he couldn't. He collapsed against Tezuka and started crying his heart out.

Atobe turned the TV off. He turned his back to beck before he wiped his tears away.

"I'm sorry that you had to witness this Xander but it's just that this couple mean so much to us." He turned to face them. "Everyone get dressed. We're leaving for the service in ten minutes."

Xander silently watched the four of them ascend the stairs to prepare. He turned his gaze to Yosuke who was trying to avoid his gaze. 'This is too troublesome. If I'm not focused on Ryoma's welfare at the moment, I would've pried for more.'

"Yosuke, get dressed too. You're coming with us." Thus was Atobe's last order.

will

Yukimura sat in a corner, still in a daze. Although he knew that if Ryoma told his family about what he did to him he'd be dead meat, he still came. He has too much respect for the father of his best friend to actually cower inside his apartment.

"Sei-kun, would you like some tea?" Nanako appeared beside him, holding a tray.

"T-thanks." Yukimura replied. He took the steaming beverage and eyed the continued stream of people warily. "I'm ok here, Nanako-san. Shouldn't you go back to meeting the guests?"

Nanako shook her head. "It was fortunate enough that Sumire-san came. With Ryoga off to take a rest, she took over. She actually asked me to take a breather."

"Ahh..." Yukimura stared at the greening liquid. "Tell me Nanako-san. Ryoma didn't stay in Glasgow just because the orchard needed tending right?" He looked up and met Nanako's melancholic gaze.

"You are still his best friend indeed, Sei-kun." Nanako smiled sadly. "Ryoga told me that Ryoma simply just doesn't want to go home. He fought hard against his brother over where their parents will be buried. He wanted them in Glasgow...Ryoma said that uncle would want to be buried in his native land."

Yukimura tore his gaze way from the woman's face. 'Is this still part of my punishment, Ryoma?'

Nanako looked up to the gathering dark clouds in the sky. "It looks like it's going to rain. I think the heaven is mourning our loss as well."

will

Ryoma opened his eyes. It stung. Yes...he had been crying for a while now. He tried to move and realized that his head was laid on his brother's lap.

"Ryoga..."

"Hmmm?" The older sibling was gently petting Ryoma's hair.

"Thank you." Ryoma closed his eyes again, savoring the feeling of security in his brother's presence.

Ryoga smiled. He knew that his younger brother had built a personal version of the Great Wall of China between him and the rest of the world. However, it's nice to know that his was not as strong as the real thing.

"Remember, we only have each other now." He muttered.

"You're wrong." Ryoma replied.

"Hmmm?"

Ryoma shifted so that he could look up straight to his brother's eyes. "We still have Nanako...Xander...and you can throw in Richard as an added bonus."

Ryoga's eyes watered. "Y-yes...we still have others. We're not alone."

Ryoma shifted again to his side, not caring if his brother's tears dropped unto his cheek making it look like it's his own.

'Yes...I'm not alone.'

willwill

It was already around noon that Xander and the others arrived at the Echizens. The number of people was reduced greatly judging from the diminished cue outside their house.

Sanada swallowed hard as he pushed the doorbell. He and his lovers were anxious to know what kind of welcome they will receive.

Meanwhile...

'Ohh so this is Ryoma's house. Quite simple compared to the villa that they owned in Glasgow.' Xander mused as he waited patiently.

The gate opened, revealing Nanako.

"Oh you..." She breathed out, staring at her cousin's ex-lovers.

"O-our deepest condolences Nanako-san!' All four of them bowed before the woman. Yosuke copied them, leaving Xander free to wink at Nanako.

Nanako's eyes widened upon recognizing the redhead. She hesitated a bit but she did step aside to let them in. She led them inside, only a handful of people were left.

"The people subsided for lunch. We're expecting the number of the sympathizers will increase by the evening." Nanako said as she slid the doors to the receiving area open.

Tezuka did his best to suppress his emotions as they went in and sat before the remains of their ex-lovers' parents. Unbeknownst to them, Xander slipped into the kitchen.

"We're so sorry to have heard your loss Nanako-san." Yosuke spoke in behalf of his young masters for they were rendered speechless for the moment. "How is Ma-I mean Ryoma-kun doing?"

Nanako smiled at them sadly. "He's focusing his attention to tending his parents' farm. I guess that is his way of coping with the losses of this family."

It was Fuji who spoke first. "Farm?"

"Ryoma-kun has given up tennis and concentrated in tilling the land his parents worked hard for." Ryuzaki-sensei, old that she is already, appeared out of nowhere and sat next to Nanako.

Atobe wiped his tears away. "A-and Jiroh-san allowed that to happen? Why?"

"I think you know that answer to that question, Atobe-kun." Ryuzaki-sensei gazed at him intently. "Or maybe not."

"I personally don't know what works are there inside the facets of his brain."

will

"Where's Kitten?" Xander whispered to Ryoga who was descending down the stairs.

The golden-eyed man gaped at the redhead indignantly. "Where have you been?! He came home alone! I thought you promised you'd look after him!" Came a whispered outrage as he almost ran down the stairs.

Xander's eyes darted around, watching out of eavesdroppers and such. "He's home? Oh I'm glad!" He let out a sigh of relief. "He asked me to let him get off for a while. Seriously Ryoga, his eyes should be considered mutant with special abilities that can make other people bend to his wishes."

Ryoga lightly punched him in the arm. "Damn you, I was worried!" He sighed deeply. "Why are we whispering anyway?"

Xander's eyes darted back to the receiving area. "I brought my cousin and his lovers here. They seem to know Ryoma. I cannot risk breaking my promise to him."

"So where is he? Is he sleeping?"

Ryoga rubbed his face with his hands. "He snuck out into the temple in the backyard a while ago. Use the backdoor then climb up the stairs."

Xander smiled at him before tip-toeing out of the house. Ryoga had to suppress his smile while watching his friend's antics. Xander's a serious man but when it comes to his brother, he turns into a lovesick teenager.

He heard voices from the receiving area so he went to cheek it out. However, the sight before him made him stumble back a bit.

"Bullshit." He spat upon seeing the familiar faces of his brother's ex-lovers...all four of them.

'Damn in hell!'

will

"W-would it be ok if we look around a bit, Nanako-san?" Sanada breathed out, doing his best to keep his voice under control. "I-it's been a while...a-and I wish to reminisce my memories with Jiroh-san."

Nanako bit her lip. 'Is it safe?' She eyed Ryuzaki-sensei and the old woman nodded in affirmation.

'The last time I checked, Ryoma was sleeping in his room. I guess it should be safe to let them wander.' She nodded. "Just the yard please...Ryoga is resting upstairs and he needs all the rest he can get."

Tezuka reached out and held her hand tight. "Thank you Nanako-san...thank you so much."

will

Xander was amazed to find the customized tennis court near the temple. 'This must how he grew to love tennis so much.' He could almost imagine Nanjiroh playing with his son in that very same courts.

'How I wish to be a part or maybe just witness this part of you Ryoma.'

"Oi, what took you so long?"

He turned and saw Ryoma coming out of the temple. Xander flashed him a smile before the redhead ran towards the wooden structure.

"This is amazing Ryoma!"

Ryoma just grunted in reply. "You're being noisy again. People will hear you."

Xander stood next to him. "Wow...I still can't believe that I'm actually seeing this page of your life story Ryoma. This is so surreal."

Ryoma was tempted to smile back to him when he heard distant voice drawing near. His eyes snapped in alarm as he grabbed Xander's arm and yanked him inside the temple.

"What the—?"

"Someone's coming." Ryoma muttered as he pushed Xander against the wall, cautiously peering outside to find out who it was. His eyes widened in shock as he started to make out of the faces of his ex-lovers ascending up the stairs. "Oh my god..."

A perfectly-shaped eyebrow arched up. "Ryoma, why are we hiding in this dark..."

But Ryoma wasn't listening. His heart thundered into his ears as he watched all four of them nearing their hiding place. 'God Ryoma, think! If they hear Xander ranting...oh god...'

"...it's kinda scary in here you know and—hmfph!!" Xander was pushed back hard against the wall with Ryoma's soft lips pliant against his.

His eyes initially widened in shock but all pretences ran out of his head like a sieve when Ryoma's tongue darter out to lick his lips, seeking entrance.

Ryoma's heart thundered against his chest, waiting for Xander to give in. 'Please, Xander...stop thinking and just feel.' He pleaded silently as his nibbled at his lower lip, hoping that he was able to get the redhead distracted enough.

'Complains be damned later.' Xander swore before he cradled Ryoma's hands in his hands and took charge of the kiss, earning an enticing gasp from the golden-eyed man.

'Oohhh...well' Ryoma's eyes drifted shut as he allowed himself to feel...

will

"I-it's been a while since we last came up here." Atobe swallowed hard when they came upon the tennis court. His eyes wandered as he swore he could almost see the shadows of past, animated before his eyes.

"I-I wonder how Ryoma is coping with this." He felt a warm hand on his back, caressing him, soothing the heavy feeling in his chest. Tezuka fought back a smile. Atobe's sure is coming along the road to forgiveness.

"You think he's really out of the country right now? No matter how aloof he is, he couldn't do that to his parents." Sanada asked, toeing a stubborn rock half buried in the untended court.

Fuji gazed at him warily. "Maybe this is his way of coping with the loss, just like what Nanako-san said. We know very well that he likes to keep to himself."

Tezuka was about to comment on that when he heard a moan...an almost non-existent moan coming from the temple.

Atobe's eyes narrowed. He heard it too. "Mitsu?"

"Shh." Tezuka took a step closer to the temple. "Someone's in there." He was about to climb up when...

"Oh it's you guys."

They turned around and saw Yukimura standing by the stone stairs, gazing at them with sad blue eyes, almost repentant.

"You?!"

will

Xander tore his mouth away from Ryoma's, not matter how enticing it looked when he heard the cry of outrage.

"What was that?" He breathed out, still trying to recover.

Ryoma's eyes widened in panic when the redhead tried to, as least tried to pry his body from his, and peer past the temple door. But before he could do so, the golden-eyed man took his hand and kissed the palm up to his finger.

Xander immediately forgot what he was about to do when he caught sight of Ryoma's alluring golden eyes once more. There's something about those golden orbs that made him compel to every one of his biddings.

"Kiss me again." Ryoma leaned in and kissed his jaw. 'Please...think only of me...please.'

Xander's eyes glazed over as he gently pulled Ryoma down to the floor. 'Questions later...I may not have this opportunity again.' He thought as he straddled the young man while carefully kissing up his neck.

"Yes...anything for you Ryoma."

will

The air was heavy with tension as four glares almost burned in on the spot. But Yukimura Seiichi held his ground.

'This is the inevitable...I have to face this.'

"How dare you—"

Yukimura lowered his gaze. "Not here please. I don't want to desecrate Ji-san and Rinko-san's wake." He looked up to them again. "I will answer all questions, take all the blows and everything else you plan to hurl at me but not here."

Tezuka took a deep breath, trying to conjure all his rationality. He knew that the other three will be nowhere near rationalism.

"Fine..." He turned to his lovers, flinching inwardly at the livid looks that they sported. "Come on guys. Let us respect Jiroh-san and Rinko-san." He cast one last look at the temple before he made a move away from it.

When he was at Yukimura's level, he paused. "Don't you dare escape Yukimura. Don't you dare." He growled deep in his throat before he continued down the stairs. His lovers had no choice but to follow him, but not without brushing roughly past the teal-haired man.

With them already descending down the stairs, all the he could actually do was sigh. "There's no going back now Seiichi." He muttered before he turned around to follow them.

willwill

The place was dead quite and Xander can't hear the voices anymore.

'They must've left already.' He mused as he caressed Ryoma's serene face. After the sublime make-out session, the golden-eyed man fell asleep in his arms and he was more than happy to just lie there and watch his beloved drift into a seemingly peaceful slumber.

Nothing happened past kissing and not-so-innocent touches. Ho matter how he craved for so much more, he forced himself to be satisfied at the pace their relationship was taking. It had been a year since he confessed to the young man and the latter down right rejected him.

'It's a definite improvement.' He smiled and leaned down to place a chase kiss on his forehead. 'I'm glad that you're starting to open your heart to me. I know it won't be easy, breaking through the walls you put up around you but I will do my best to try.'

Icy-blue orbs sparkled in delight when Ryoma shifted in his sleep and adorably wrinkled his nose. "I love you Ryoma. I don't know what you exactly feel for me but I will not demand for something you are not ready give. I promise you that."

"I just want you to know that I will always be waiting here for you...always waiting...and always loving." He pulled the raven-haired man closer to him before he too, drifted off to sleep.

will

The moment he felt Xander's breaths evening out, Ryoma slowly opened his eyes, only to stare up into his incredibly handsome, flawless face.

He bit his lip as he brought his hand up, his fingers gently caressing his face. There was an unfamiliar longing that bubbled out of nowhere, filling his chest with warmth.

Dare he? He knew that he only allowed this to happen because he was still not ready to face his ex-lovers. He knew that he'd be hurting the redhead immensely if he found out the truth.

Ryoma shifted further in the confines of his embrace and buried his face in the crook of his neck. But he certainly knew that somewhere along the road, even before his parents died, his heart started beating differently for the redhead. It feels nice and it doesn't suffocate the air out of him.

Ryoma inhaled his scent and tentatively, almost afraid, placed a hand against his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart.

"Ryoma..."

He stilled for a moment as the redhead moved to pull him even closer. Ryoma breathed out gently as the latter continued sleeping.

He couldn't help but suppress a smile. 'My emotions may be scattered all over the place and I may not give you what you so rightfully deserve right now but I promise you Xander...you definitely have a place in my heart.'

'And the more time I spent with you, the more my heart grew fonder.'

willwillwill

A/N: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT!! I was thinking like, "Should i continue this as an OT5 fic or I'd rather turn it into RyoXander?" but NO WORRY MY DEAR CHILDREN, THIS STORY WILL STILL BECOME AN OT5!!

Yes, the expected confrontation that you have been waiting for will occur next chapter.

I so really like Xander. Can I have him instead? (Puppy-eyed look) Poor him! I wonder what Ria-chan has up against him in the next chapters.

Hmmm...I guess that quite gives you a bit of time to think as to whom the phrase "Will you still love me tomorrow?" really applies to. Love the angst!

So if you want more, more, more and more,

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!


	7. scars of the past

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

willwillwill

Yukimura clenched his fist tight, his heart pounding against his chest as he waited for the eye of the storm to pass and face the real turmoil ahead. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see their faces right now. It's enough to be seated with them, cornered like a poor rabbit with four angry predators looming over him.

_"S-Sei-kun! Where are you going?" Nanako blurted out when they came back inside the house. She noticed how severe the faces of the other four were. "W-what's wrong?" _

_Ryoga suddenly appeared next to her. "If you're looking to trouble Yuki-kun here, let me tell you—"_

_Yukimura looked up and forced his self to smile at the two. "I'll be fine, Na-chan, Ryoga." He then turned towards the door. "I'll be back in no time to help prepare for the burial tomorrow."_

"We've gone far enough." Atobe announced as the limousine halted. "Get out."

Yukimura took a deep breath as he followed Sanada out of the car and into a deserted park. As he gazed at the solid back of his friend, he couldn't help but feel a big lump in his chest.

'Gen-kun has been my friend for a long, long time. I know him...he knows me. I know what he's capable of.' He felt a shiver ran down his spine. 'It's ok Seiichi. It's time that you face the consequences of your reckless actions. If there's a way for you to face Ryoma again with dignity, you better sum up your courage and be a man for once in your life.'

"It's fine here." He heard Fuji muttered. He spun around to face them only to meet a hard swing of Atobe's fist.

"BASTARD!!"

"Keigo!"

Yukimura fell back hard against the ground. His cheek stung...his lips...he brought his hand up to his lips and felt something dripping down his jaw. He gazed at his fingers...blood. He made no move to stand up.

"Get up you bastard!!" Atobe was thrashing hard as Tezuka and Sanada tried to restrain him. "Get up and face me you coward!!" It was as if his heart was trying to jump out of his chest. It hurts...it hurts as the anger that he keep inside for almost two year tore through his defenses to break through.

"YOU RUINED OUR LIVES!!"

'Keigo sure is strong when angry.' Sanada's eyes darted from his fallen friend then to his other lovers. Fuji was standing still, staring at the man on the ground.

"You took Ryoma away from us!! You took him away!!" Atobe was crying now as he succumbed to his lovers' strength. "You ruined everything..."

"I'm sorry." Yukimura kept his eyes cast on the ground. That's all he could do anyway.

"Sorry?" It was Fuji's cold tone that tore through the thin sheet of shrill tension in the air. "Is that all you can say to us?" He may have tears running down his face but the sharp edge of the simple words he uttered stung him like thousands of needles.

"You don't even have the decency to tell us why you did it? What did Ryoma see in you that made him crave you?" He clenched his fists to tight that his knuckles turned white. "Sure you're handsome and powerful in tennis and you're probably good in bed but Ryoma already has that." He barely took notice on how his body trembled in anger.

"We thought we were enough to cater to Ryoma's needs and wants. We were lead to believe so. So tell me why he still craved you!"

Yukimura looked up to him, his blue eyes soft and sad...very much opposite Fuji's which were sharp and enraged.

"ANSWER ME!!" Before anyone else could react, the tensai pounced on him, shaking his roughly.

"Syusuke!" Tezuka was at a lost. He tried to grab the tensai back but Fuji was strong as he continued to cling to Yukimura's shirt. "Stop this! We're not getting what we want by being violent!!" With a powerful tug, he heaved his lover off Ryoma's ex-best-friend.

'I'm going to die.' Yukimura was gasping for his breath. He tried to move, it's like every strip of muscle in his body ached. He staggered up to his feet.

"Before you continue extracting your revenge on me, let me just clear this up with you." He wiped his mouth on his arm, blood staining his porcelain skin.

"Ryoma had nothing to do with what happened. It wasn't his fault."

"What the fuck are you saying now?! Had nothing to do with it?!" Atobe was seething. "He looked more that willing to cooperate in the video!!"

Yukimura bit his lip. "I drugged him."

"What?" Sanada spat out.

Yukimura looked up and finally meet their glares. "I drugged him and took advantage of him. That is the reason why he couldn't remember anything about what happened." He immediately closed his eyes, sensing that the Hand of God will strike upon him hard.

And it did.

The strength of Sanada's punch almost sent him flying. It's painful...it's excruciating. His mind was almost reeling in the pain that he just received.

"HOW COULD YOU?!" Sanada bellowed, now being the one restrained by his lovers. "I thought you were my friend! I trusted you! Ryoma trusted you and you did this to him?! To us?! WHY?!"

Yukimura kept his eyes glued at the clear skies above him. There...he finally said it. 'The physical pain is almost unbearable...but I can't quite explain why my heart feels so light.'

"Because I love him."

It was now their turn to gape at the teal-haired player. They just stood there, like a perfect still picture as they tried to comprehend what was happening. The silence was excruciating. Every second that passed by seemed to draw out their breaths rather painfully.

Yukimura took a deep breath, hoping that it would somehow still his nerves. "Yes, I am Ryoma's best friend...his best friend since after the Nationals in junior high but that didn't stop me from falling in love with him." He slowly wrapped his arms around his body, as if warding off the chill his words were creating.

"And it hurts so much seeing that I can never be something more than a friend to him because he's madly in love with you guys. For years of being together, I felt like he's so close to me and yet there's a mile-wide wall between us."

Tezuka was the first one to recover from his initial shock. 'It's true that Ryoma's been the object of desire of a whole lot of people...but him?' He swallowed hard. "You were his best friend, Yukimura." He made sure that he placed more emphasis on those words.

"He's able to tell you things which he never found the courage to tell us. You probably know him better than we do. Don't you realize that you were put in a far better position than us?"

"But he doesn't love me the way I want him to!" Yukimura clenched his fists tightly. "Do you realize how painful it is to know that he's tremendously happy in your arms and that I can never give him that? Do you know how it hurts to know that he will never be able to look at me that way he looks at you?"

"And to think that he settled to have not one but four lovers and I was never even considered for that category..." tears were uncontrollably escaping from his eyes. The years of resentment...of agony...everything's trying to burst out of him in such a small period of time and it hurts.

Sanada suddenly felt a pang to pity for his friend. It is true that he noticed the hungry gaze that the teal-haired man gave only to his lover. He, however, ignored it since thought he knew that Yukimura knows his limitations. He didn't realize that he's suffering to this extent.

"But doing that it very low for you, Yukimura." Atobe muttered. "Not only that you destroyed his happiness, but also his trust—"

"I know!" Yukimura clutched his head. "I know and until now I'm suffering the consequences of my actions! Everyday since that incident I still find myself awake at night, still seeing how his eyes glared at me with so much hatred...loathing. Even if he already has forgiven me, I couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that it's still me who ruined his life—"

"Wait!" Fuji cut him off. "He forgave you?" He felt the anger coursing through his veins once more. "He forgave you and yet he didn't come back to us? Why?!"

Yukimura just sat there for a few seconds, trying to think of the right words to say. Yes...breaking them up was his fault, there's not doubt about that. But the thing that prevented Ryoma form coming back to them was entirely their doing.

"That is what I want to know too. Surely Ryoma found out what you did but had you explained everything to him properly, he would've returned." Tezuka gazed at him intently. "Then why didn't he?"

"It's because you hit him."

That damnable silence once more…it was five simple words...five simple words felt like a hard blow in the gut that almost squeezed the air out of their lungs.

will

The two of them stirred from their slumber, not knowing how to act after what happened. To Ryoma, it was a act born out of desperation which turned into something so overwhelming that he's trying to deny its existence. To Xander it was a profound turn of events which gave him the will to hope for more.

"We better get back." Ryoma muttered as he straightened out his clothes. 'God, how am I supposed to face him after this?'

"Uh...ok." Xander nodded; his eyes clouded with confusion. 'Is this the awkward part the novels usually talk about? Damn I hate this.' However, when Ryoma held his hand to him, he took it without hesitation, reveling at the warmth that the golden-eyed man had.

They were silent as they moved out of the temple with added stealth.

"Ryoma!!" Came an outraged whisper the moment they went inside the kitchen. In there sat Ryoga and Nanako looking very anxious.

"What happened?" The younger sibling whispered, taken aback by the urgency in their eyes.

Ryoga eyed Nanako but the woman just returned his glare. He sighed deeply. "Tezuka and the others came in today." He was expecting his brother's indignant shock but it never came.

"Yeah I know...I saw-heard them." Ryoma felt his heart thumping hard against his chest. He eyed Xander nervously, hoping that his gullibility is still intact.

Xander frowned. "Where are they? Don't tell me they left without my permission."

Now that made Ryoma's head snap his direction with mouth agape and eyes wide in utter surprise. "Y-you know them?"

Xander shrugged. "Well, Atobe Keigo's a cousin of mine." He failed to notice how Ryoma's face paled further. "I actually brought them here upon knowing that they know Papa Jiroh and you. But I didn't tell you're here because that would literally break the promise I gave you..."

Ryoma's brain shut off the redhead's voice. He just sat there, staring at the handsome redhead dumbly while his mind denying to process the information he received. 'Xander and Keigo...cousins...no…'

Ryoga resisted the urge to groan and bury his hand sin his hands. 'This is so fucked up!'

"...what's the problem? They told me that you were a kohai of them—"

"I'm going upstairs." Ryoma announced with that monotonous, cold voice once more before he stood up and walked out of the kitchen.

Xander was perturbed. The last time Ryoma used that tone was during the first months after he arrived in Glasgow. It made his chest ache for some reason. "Ryoma..."

Nanako sensed trouble looming in their household once more. "Xander, we know very well that Ryoma has unresolved issues with coming back to Japan. Please don't take it as if you did something wrong."

Xander turned his gaze to Ryoga, confusion and desperation tearing at his heart. "B-but..."

Ryoga reached out and held his clammy hands. "Xander, there are things that Ryoma wants to keep to himself for now. It is best that we, the people around him, give him the space that he needs."

Xander's shoulders sagged. 'Why? What did I do wrong? I don't understand!'

"Are you going to stay here for the night or with your cousin?" Nanako's soft voice somehow soothed the ache inside him.

"I-I..."

"Stay here." Ryoga told him.

Xander's teary eyes turned to him. "Ryoga..."

"You are a guest of this family...heck! You're already a part of this dysfunctional, crazy family. Stay here. My idiot of a brother might be having a tantrum right now but there is something that I need you to help me with later."

"Ryoma needs you by his side by the time he does that."

will

"I don't understand—"

"Ryoma used to tell me in the past that there was only one condition he gave to you when he agreed to be a part of the relationship. You guys promised him that you will never hurt him physically. But apparently you did." Yukimura watched how their faces paled upon realization of what they did.

"I knew by heart that he would've returned if that didn't happen. Ryoma got scared when he got the first taste of physical pain inflicted upon him and it made him cower and hide."

"Oh god..." Fuji collapsed on his knees, his strength finally leaving his body.

Guilt...remorse...a mixture of these nearly wrecked havoc in their already desolate minds.

"It's all my fault..." Atobe muttered, more tears trailing down his cheeks. " If I didn't...if—"

"Shut up Keigo!" Sanada snapped at him. "You acted upon impulse and anger. You cannot control that."

"But I hit him!!" Atobe cried. 'What have you done Keigo?!' He then felt a strong arm drawing him in to lean against a solid body.

"I would've done the same Keigo...had you not moved that fast. So it's not your fault entirely." Sanada muttered into his ear.

Yukimura felt a painful tug in his chest as he watched the scene before him. 'I still can't imagine that I caused this...this pain...' He moved until he was on his knees, bowing low in front of his best friend's former lovers.

"It's my fault...all of this and I'm very sorry. I know that what I did...to you and to Ryoma was unforgivable and I'm not expecting you to forgive so easily as what my best friend did. the reason why I'm doing this is because I want to fix whatever was damaged." He looked up, his eyes pleading.

"This is the only thing that I can do to make amends with myself and all those that I have hurt."

willwill

Ryoma was curled up into a ball on his bed. He's trying hard to process what happened but he's having a very hard time doing it. He almost had a close encounter with the individuals he vowed never to see again. He made out with the cousin of his ex-lover.

'This is so bad...' He groaned as he succumbed deeper into the confines of his bed. His eyes snapped open. 'I cannot tell Xander about Keigo and I. I cannot bear seeing him hurt...I don't want to hurt him.'

The faces of his ex-lovers popped inside his head, creating a strong sense of longing in his chest. 'They all still look so ethereal...and yet I can't have them back.'

His little reverie was cut short by a sharp knock on his door. He closed his eyes and pretended so be asleep when the door opened and soft sounds of footsteps echoed inside the room.

"Ryoma..."

'Xander.' Ryoma refused to open his eyes. 'How am I supposed to go about knowing that the man who's offering me his heart and soul is actually the cousin of the man who ripped mine?'

Xander frowned at stubbornness Ryoma was showing. He sat on the bed, unable to control himself as he reached out and caressed Ryoma's hair. "Ryoma...you have to get up now."

Still no response… Xander huffed indignantly as he grabbed the blankets and stripped it off Ryoma.

"Argh! Xander!!" Ryoma protested, trying to snatch it back.

"I'm not giving this back because you're acting like a brat again." Xander told him. His expression then turn sullen when he saw Ryoma frowned and turn his back to him. "Ryoma...I—"

"Shut it Xander."

The redhead frowned. "I don't know what I did that made you upset Ryoma. And I'm so confused right now." He felt the tears warming up his eyes once more. Damn! He's such a crybaby. "A-and I don't know w-what to do anymore."

Ryoma heard the cracked voice and all his resolve melted into a pulp. Sighing, he sat up and drew the redhead into his arms.

"Y-you know very w-well that I can't s-stand it when y-you're mad at me. For whatever that I did...I'm sorry."

Ryoma felt someone squeezed his heart. He gently soothed Xander's back while the redhead sobbed against his chest.

"You didn't do anything wrong Xander. I'm just—I mean I'm quite tired from all that is happening to me." Ryoma bit his lip hard, as he almost slipped. 'I can't let you know the truth.'

"I'm the one who should apologize for the way that I acted—"

"Ryoma you have to--" Ryoga suddenly went inside his room before he froze dead on his track when he finally saw what they were doing. "I'm sorry—"

Xander gently eased out of Ryoma's embrace as he dried his eyes.

"What is it, Ryoga?" Ryoma asked.

The older Echizen sighed. "Could you like change into something more presentable? Inoue-san just arrived."

Ryoma nodded as he slipped out of his bed. "Give me ten minutes." He waited until his brother left before his closed the door.

"Ryoma, are you sure you are ready for this?" Xander asked him.

Ryoma gazed at him for a while, trying to sum up the courage to actually nod. "It's about time I do something for my parents, specially my father. However, this will only be revealed once I'm safe back in Glasgow."

will

They just sat there, all five of them, in silence as they tried to digest what just happened.

"Where is he now?" Fuji asked, finally breaking the solitude that encased them for an hour already. The sky was slowly being painted yellow and orange. "Why didn't we hear from him for the past two years?"

_"Just promise me one thing." _

_"Don't tell anyone where I am, especially them. Only if they asked, which I doubt they would, then you can give my location."_

"The day Ryoma left was the day that all ties he has with Japan was severed, even Nanako. I kept coming back to their house and called Nanako-san so many times but he didn't contact her." Yukimura wrung his wrists. "The only person I was able to talk to about him was his father."

"He made us promise, Nanako-san and I, not never give away his location unless someone asked about it."

"You mean—" Tezuka muttered.

"You never asked...so I kept my mouth shut. I have heard that he refused to take up tennis once more and forced his brother to play in the pro scene just to satisfy his father's wishes."

Atobe could resist anymore. He grabbed his shoulders and shook him lightly. "Where is he now? God Yukimura, tell me where Ryoma is now."

"Keigo..."

Atobe tore his gaze from Yukimura to gaze his lovers pleadingly. " Please Mitsu...I want to see him. I need to see him. I want to—I need to do something to fix what I have done!"

Fuji gently eased his grip of the teal-haired man and drew him in his embrace. "Shhh Keigo...we all want to see him. It's not only about you...it concerns us all."

Yukimura sighed. "Ryoma never divulged his exact location. The night that he left Japan, he said that he will staying with his parents in Glasgow in Britain. I tried getting the exact address from Nanako-san but she wouldn't give it to me."

"She knew that once I got hold of his address, I would definitely seek him out."

Tezuka's eyed narrowed. "Does anyone in Ryoma's family knows what you did to him?"

Yukimura looked up to him and nodded. "A week after Ryoma left, I went to confess to Nanako-san and Ji-san. That was the reason why they denied me Ryoma's location. But they forgave me eventually seeing that their son already forgave me."

They fell into silence once more. The wind gently caressed them, almost soothing the wounds of the past.

"Why only tell us now?" Sanada asked. He still couldn't accept the face that his friend waited for two years to reveal the truth. 'We wasted two years of anguish for nothing. We could've fixed what was broken...and prevented things to happen like they did.' He gritted his teeth.

"The earlier that you explained this to us, the shorted our agony should've been."

Yukimura shook his head. "I was scared Gen. I was so scared and ashamed of myself at the same time. I thought that playing tennis hard will eventually make me forget and erase everything but the longer I waited out, the more painful the memories became."

"And something happened that made me realize that it's not all about me."

"What is it?" Atobe asked.

"Ji-san and Rinko-san died. but the thing that haunted me the most was when Ji-san called me two days before he died, asking me...begging me to find a way to give back Ryoma his happiness. After that, then knowing they died two days later, I decided that it's time that I set things straight."

"Ryoma's been through enough and I cannot bear prolonging his pain more. And if getting you back together is the only way, then I would do it. Maybe Ryoma and I were never destined to share the same love that your guys shared...even though it hurts, seeing him happy at last would somehow compensate to whatever losses I shall incur."

willwill

Xander sat beside Ryoma as they waited anxiously for the said visitor to come up to meet them. He learned that Ryoma finally agreed to participate in the tribute issue dedicated to his father, Samurai Nanjiroh, in a tennis magazine. The reporter was a friend of his father and was briefed about Ryoma's predicament regarding his privacy.

"Hey..."

Ryoma jerked, indicating that he was on edge too.

Xander smiled fondly at Ryoma's behavior. He forced himself to set aside what happened to him and Ryoma that morning and tried to focus himself to the feat his beloved was about to take on. He reached out and grasped his clammy hands.

"If you feel uneasy or revolted in any way, tell me so I can stop the interview ok?" Icy-blue eyes gazed down at him. "Ok Ryoma?"

Ryoma forced his self to look up and meet Xander's gaze. He felt his stomach flutter as he succumbed under the redhead's intense gaze. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat and nodded. He forced himself to tear his gaze away from the redhead, not trusting his impulses at the moment.

"Thank you."

Xander forcibly doused the budding ache in his chest by the way Ryoma averted his eyes form him. 'Take things one step at a time, Xander. Forcing yourself on him is not the wisest thing to do...specially with all the mysteries that are shrouding him.'

The quietude inside was shattered when the door was slowly opened, revealing Nanako and a kind-faced man behind her.

"Are you ready Ryoma?" She asked as she stepped aside to let Inoue-san in.

Ryoma gaze at her then to Xander. Squeezing his hand tighter, he nodded. "Yes, I am."

will

Inoue-san couldn't suppress the sad smile when he saw the state the youngest Echizen was in. somehow, he felt as if he was treading into sacred, guarded territories and with one wrong move, everything will collapse.

'Let's start with the easy stuff.' He said as he was ushered to a chair facing Ryoma and an unfamiliar redhead who were seated on the bed.

"Good evening Ryoma-kun." He reached out to clasp his free hand with his. "Thank you for giving me this opportunity."

Ryoma nodded at him. "My parents deserve so much more, Inoue-san. By doing this, I still hoping I still resemble the son whom they hoped for in the past."

"Even though it's a tad too late for that."

will

Despite curiosity egging her to witness this momentous act, Nanako forced her self the back down and leave her cousin.

'Xander will know what to do.' She mused as she descended down the stairs, given that the number of sympathizers doubled this evening. She cast one last look at the closed door.

'You've come a long way, Ryoma. I can't tell you how proud I am for the decision you made.'

"You're almost a man now."

willwillwill

A/N: So hard to make this! Ok guys, I know you realized that I've been a bit prompt and quick in updating this story. I'm sad to say that I may fall a bit, just a bit, behind schedule after this chapter since my 200-hour hospital exposure will start next week. I'm not sure if I will be able to comply to my one-week-update rule since I can foresee tons, and tons of paperwork ahead of me. But I will do my best.

The OT4, now knowing the truth will start a hunting game, with Ryoma as the prey . On the other side of the coin, Xander will do his best to protect the only thing he considers his treasure. Thus will start a series of jealousy-laden scenes, power plays, cute lovey-dovey periods, sadistic schemes, smut, tears, grief...and anything I can think of adding to this healthy concoction of angst. Make sure you get your weekly doze of WYSLMT! It's good for your health!

P/S: Something hilarious occurred to me while writing this chapter. What if Richard and Yosuke face off as the best butler when it comes to protecting his Master's interest? hahahahahah...:)

So you, if you want more, more, more

MAKE ME HAPPY AND PLEASE REVIEW!!


	8. crossing the line

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

willwillwill

"I'm asking you again Ryoma," Ryoga wanted to grab his hair and pull it off in frustration. "Are you really sure that you don't want to be there?" He gazed at him hopefully. After the interview with Monthly Tennis last night, his younger brother had taken refuge inside his room again. Not even Xander was able to convince him get out.

Ryoma just continued staring on the floor, ignoring them.

Xander sighed as he slid next to him. "Ryoma, you know very well that this is not how your parent would want you to act."

'Who are you to actually know what they want?' Ryoma stubbornly mused. 'They're dead.'

"Are you still scared that someone might see you? Fine then! Let's create a disguise for you." Xander added. 'You're really making it hard for me to break those damn walls Ryoma.'

Ryoma stood up and paced the distance between his bed and the window. He peered outside where he could see Nanako bustling around, frantic to prepare everything for the ceremony. He gripped the window sill tight, a pang of mixed guilt and shame flooding his heart.

_"Ryoma, you know very well that this is not how your parent would want you to act."_

'Why does he always have to be my conscience?' Ryoma inwardly groaned. 'I know that this is far from what Oyaji and Okasan wanted me to act but...' He closed his eyes and the images of his ex-lovers popped inside his mind again. He bit his lip at the annoying feeling that gnawed his heart.

That feeling he identified as longing. 'Do they miss me? What goes inside their head knowing that I'm hurting now? Would they ever initiate a way for us to get back together? What will happen if i bump into them accidentally?' These questions flooded Ryoma's brain.

_"Ryoma, why do you do this?" Nanjiroh glanced at his son warrily as the young man forcefully stabbed the spade unto the ground. "Why are you punishing yourself this way?" _

_Ryoma let out of the spade to glance up to him. "What are you talking about Oyaji?"_

_Nanjiroh sighed as those cat-like eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Killing yourself through hard, manual labor will indeed divert your attention but you must always remember, you may have forgotten your problems today but tomorrow, when you open your eyes again it is still there." _

_"Moving on is not measure by how strong you are when it comes to ignoring the situation. When you are able to accept the verdict of destiny and still be able to smile, when you are able to whisk the pain away and face those who wounded you with forgiveness in your heart, then that is really moving on." _

_Ryoma shook his head. "You know nothing about it Oyaji. Just shut it ok?" He took the spade again and continued tilling the soil._

_"Ryoma, forgetting your dreams and retreating into a secluded area is not moving on. The way you're dealing your problems is very immature."_

Ryoma bit his lower lip. 'Very immature, eh?' He loosened his grip on the metal. 'I guess I've always been a kid, Oyaji...always a kid who needs someone to cuddle him...someone to tell him that the world is not such an ugly place.'

will

Sanada glanced at his still-tender knuckles and frowned. The redness will not go away immediately. 'Great...then I have something to remind me of my stupidity.'

_"But he doesn't love me the way I want him to!" _

He gritted his teeth in anger. 'We've been friends since we were kids. I should've known. I should've noticed Seiichi's feelings towards Ryoma. I could've things from going out of hand. I could've—'

His train of thoughts was cut short when he felt something cool on his bruised hand. He looked up and saw Tezuka seated next to him, holding a cool damp cloth over his knuckles.

"I keep forgetting how impulsive you three can be." Tezuka muttered, feeling Sanada's hand relax under the cloth. "Not only that you end up hurting other people but you also end up hurting yourself. Kei's hand is far worse." He applied a cooling gel over the tender flesh.

Sanada watched him intently as he bandaged his hand neatly. "I just couldn't get over the fact that I somehow allowed this to happen. If—"

Tezuka placed a finger on his lips. "I know. and I know that you feel really bad that you were not able to stop Yukimura form doing what he did to Ryoma but things happened Gen." He leaned in and pressed his forehead against Sanada's.

"It is really late for our "what ifs". All that we can do now is accept what happened and try to fix it somehow."

Sanada's breath lodged in his throat as he drowned into those hazel orbs. It was very rare to see Tezuka like this.

Tezuka pulled back, a sad smile grazing his lips. "I had hit him once before, days before the Goodwill Games. I could never forget the broken look in his eyes after my hand came in contact with his flesh. I knew that he really wanted to play Kevin Smith but his intentions were rather obscured. I broke him. I may not show it but I have been agonizing for nights, thinking about what I did to him. I've never seen him so vulnerable."

He pushed his glasses up. "I felt a painful tug in my heart when I saw him drop to his knees with tears in his eyes. During that time I really, really want to take him in my arms and somehow heal the wound that I had created in him."

"I never thought I would break the promise that I secretly made to him that night."

will

Fuji was rummaging inside his drawer when the door opened and in came a distressed-looking Atobe.

"Keigo, are you alright?" He asked as the young man collapsed on the bed.

"I've been making arrangements regarding our trip to Glasgow. I have to make sure I leave the company to trust-worthy people." Atobe muttered as he slung his arm over his eyes, enjoying the dark comfort it gave him.

Fuji's eyes spotted Ryoma's promise ring and the CD which he realized he tucked deep inside his drawer. His throat tightened as his fingers grasped the circular band. "Keigo?"

"What is it? You should be packing your bags already Syu. We'll be leaving as soon as I can find where my impetuous cousin went off to."

Fuji approached the man, the CD and the ring in hand. "I just want to let you know that I went inside our old bedroom the other day."

Atobe sat up abruptly. "I had it padlocked Syusuke." His voice cracked.

Fuji sat beside him. "I know. I asked Yosuke open to it for me and I found these." He took Keigo's bandaged hand and placed Ryoma's ring on his palm. He watched his lover's obsidian eyes widened in shock, knowing that the diva already realized who the ring belongs—or rather once belonged to.

"Well actually I found this inside the room." He held the CD up. "And that I found in the bushes underneath our room's window."

Keigo felt his eyes water when he closed his fingers around the silver band. 'Ryoma's promise ring!' Then the memory of him swiping Ryoma's ring off the dresser in his anger came back. He brought it to his lips and kissed it. 'I-I'm so sorry Ryoma. I-if I only knew the truth...I'm sorry.'

he heard the door opened and saw Tezuka and Sanada came in. His eyes were riveted on the similar bandaged arm of his lover.

"What is that?" Tezuka asked when he saw the ring still pressed against Atobe's lips.

"Ryoma's promise ring." Fuji stood up. "You guys take a seat. I still don't know what this contains but if this came with Ryoma's ring, then this should be important." He popped the CD inside the player. He then took his place next to Sanada as they waited for it to play.

**"Mitsu..." **

Tezuka tensed up when he heard Ryoma's voice. His heart swelled with emotions just by hearing that soft voice once more.

**"Will your feelings change if I start growing gray hairs and all?" **

'This is...' The realization made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 'i remember this conversation!' He gaped at his lovers who were equally perturbed as well.

**"Of course not Ryoma. My hair would be far worse before you start growing gray hairs. I don't think age would change what we share." **

**"Will you still love me tomorrow then?" **

He could feel his body trembling with raw emotions that simple words that came from Ryoma had evoked. He felt something warm and went trailed down his cheeks. He touched his cheeks.

He's crying.

**"I loved you yesterday, I still love you today..." **

**"And I will continue loving you tomorrow." **

"This is..." Fuji breathed out, in tears as well. 'Oh good god...'

**"G-Gen, time-out." **

Sanada's hand on Tezuka's tightened. 'I remember this. He was helping me train. I-I did not know he's been recording all the while.'

**"You have amazing stamina in tennis and in bed and you cannot handle martial arts?" **

**"I'm only a kid, you know. I can only do so much." **

"**I love you Ryoma." **

He felt his heart leaped. Yes...it had been so long since he last told Ryoma how much he loved him. it seemed ages now but it still has the same effect.

**"G-gen...for how long will you stay in love with me then? Will you still feel the same when we wake up tomorrow?**

Sanada closed his eyes, not caring if his tears spilled uncontrolled. It remembered how Ryoma's eyes looked so vulnerable when he asked that particular question. It made his heart flutter.

**"Yes…tomorrow, for days, weeks, months, years...nothing will change." **

Atobe bit his lip, trying to douse the intense yearning in his heart. 'This is all my fault...oh god Ryoma please forgive me.'

**"S-Syusuke!" **

Fuji's head snapped up. The particular moan that followed made his gut churn wild. He soon felt that there was a gaping hole in his chest—left open when Ryoma walked out of their life.

**"You're too hot to ignore Ryo-chan. You're too irresistible."  
**

He caught sight of his other lovers and found them glaring at him. He resisted the urge to laugh. 'I didn't know he was recording. I wonder if he recorded all the way...'

**"B-but w-what if a day will come and I'm no longer desirable or irresistible as you have said?" **

**"You will always be desirable in my eyes Ryo-chan. **

"**Now...tomorrow...forever." **

His blue eyes darkened with desire. Ryoma's been gone too long. He clenched his fists as he tried to subdue the emotions in his chest. 'You can't imagine how much I need you now Ryoma.'

**"Why do you love to challenge Ore-sama's patience, brat?" **

Atobe clang to Tezuka's arm. Ryoma's voice rouse the goose bumps that made him shiver all over. He knew that if he listened until the end, he'd be forever haunted by the voice and the memories.

**"Because I like every emotion that you display Monkey King. We fell in love this way, remember?" **

**"Right...I will never get tired of this...never." **

He closed his eyes tight, wanting to block the voice from his head. 'I need you Ryoma...I love you Ryoma...please come back. Please...'

**"What if something happens to me tomorrow...will you still love me?" **

**"I will always love you Ryoma...always." **

"I will always love you forever...even if we were apart I kept on love you...we kept on loving you."

The voice long died down but still it seemed to echo inside the room. The four huddled together, crying as they tried to comfort themselves with whatever assurances they would think of.

"Things will change Keigo. We will not let it go on this way." Sanada muttered into his ear.

willwillwill

The hours flew by like the gentle evening zephyr that Ryoma almost failed to grasp the reality that the remains of his parents are now being slowly covered with dirt. His heart longed to be with them...even for the last time. His heart swelled with remorse as he stood a few yards away from the ballooning crowd of sympathizers.

'I'm sorry...I'm really sorry Oyaji...Ka-san. I'm a coward...I'm nothing but a worthless son who's too afraid to face the consequences of his past.' He ignored the river of tears that flowed down his cheeks. Today he will not hold back. Today he shall let his facade crumble.

A warm hand gently grasped his shoulder and pulled him towards a warm body. He did not need to know who it was. He just melted into that person's embraced and cried his heart out.

Xander held Ryoma tightly in his arms, his heart breaking as the raven-haired man sobbed his heart out. He caressed his back in a soothing manner.

'I'm sorry Ryoma. I am unable to help you ease the pain. For once I am at a lost for words. I can only give you my strength...my heart. I'll share it with you...for I know that you're grasping for your own in the dark.'

His icy-blue eyes turned towards the crowd, vaguely recognizing his cousin and his lovers's faces. 'I want to know who pushed you to hide away like this. This is your parents' day...they do not have the right to impose this kind of domination over you.' His arms around the man tightened unconsciously.

'I will make them pay. This is unfair. Your parent's last day on earth should not be like this.'

willwill

The crowd slowly dissipated, living only a few close friends and relatives. With Nanako off talking to some of their relatives, Ryoga was left staring at the freshly erected tombstone.

'Oyaji...you shouldn't worry. I will take care of this family, or whatever is left of it. I will certainly not rest until Ryoma was able to fulfill what he was meant to be...what he was born to do.' He clenched his fists tightly.

"Ryoga-san."

He spun around and came face to face with his Chibisuke's former lovers. His eyes narrowed in annoyance, seeing their faces again; for he knew by heart that they were the reason why his brother was able to endure not sending off their parents.

"What is it?" He tried to keep as much bile as he could from seeping into his words.

Tezuka bowed low before him and soon his three other lovers followed. "Our deepest apologies, Ryoga-san."

Ryoga was taken aback by their sudden actions. He just stood there gaping at them like an idiot.

Atobe swallowed hard, struggling to fight off his pride. "We know very well that Ryoma's absence is mostly our fault. Please forgive us."

Ryoga swallowed hard. He doesn't know what to say. 'I surely didn't expect this one.'

will

Xander gently steered Ryoma away, still holding him tightly against his body. He'd take the golden-eyed man back after everyone left. He kept his eyes focused on the ground as they continued drifting away when...

"Ryoma?"

The young man in his arms jerked. Xander forcefully swallowed the hard lump in his throat. They were found out. Not good.

He felt Ryoma pulled away from him to face the teal-haired stranger that crossed their path.

"Seiichi."

will

Ryoma sighed. He turned his back to them as he tried to compose his thoughts.

"I cannot deny the influence but it's the brat's choice. You may have precipitated the matters but he definitely took things into his hands."

Sanada stepped forth to his level to gaze at the tombstone. "For what it's worth Ryoga-san, we're really sorry."

The older Echizen shrugged. "What are you up to now?" He kept his emotions in check...not wanting to draw too much attention. He knew that his brother was somewhere near the vicinity. He doesn't want to put Ryoma in jeopardy.

Fuji tucked a stubborn lock behind his ear. "We would like to see your brother, Ryoga-san. We would like to correct the mistakes we made in the past."

"Then that is one thing that I could never help you with." Ryoga snapped. His golden eyes narrowed in anger. "If you want to remedy the wound of the past that much, then go but don't expect me to lend you a hand."

"Ryoma dropped everything in his life...because of you. Did you expect that him to be the same person as he was before? Do you expect that once apologies were given, everything will return to the way they used to be? If you are, then you are expecting too much."

Ryoma closed his eyes, almost wanting to believe the things that he said.

will

Yukimura blinked a couple of times, just to make sure that it is Ryoma who was standing before him.

'He changed.' It was the only thought that came to his head. His heart started pounding against his chest. Ryoma's still beautiful... the seemingly rough days polished him to refinement.

Ryoma wiped away his tears. "I suppose you'd be here. Well, we're leaving anyway." He grasped Xander's hand.

"Wait! Why did you—why are you hiding? Why didn't you join—"

Ryoma pulled the stunned redhead with him. Just as he brushed against his ex-best friend, he paused. "I still hope you kept true to your promise Seiichi." He managed to whisper before he dragged Xander away; leaving Yukimura pale and gaping behind.

It took him a couple of seconds to gain back the feeling in his legs. He spun around only to see the fleeting image of their backs. Without him knowing, tears started staining his pale cheeks.

willwillwill

They fell into silence when they got inside the car. Xander drove around town aimlessly, trying to understand what happened earlier. Ryoma sat quietly beside him, with his eyes cast downwards onto his lap.

"Was that the one who forced you into hiding?" Xander suddenly asked, breaking the icy sheet of silence.

Ryoma shook his head. "Stop asking questions regarding things that you know nothing about Xander."

The car suddenly swiveled to the right, stopping abruptly. Xander gripped the steering wheel tight that his knuckles turned white. "Things that I know nothing about?"

Ryoma sighed. "I'm not having this conversation with you again. Let's get back. I want to bid my parents goodbye."

Xander eyed him. "And what if the so-called ghosts of your pasts were still there?" the golden-eyed man just kept quiet. Xander let out a sigh of frustration and collapsed against the seat.

Seconds passed for like an eternity. Ryoma mind strayed far from the subject. It kept on straying back to the temple incident. He felt his heart started to drum in its cage.

"Xander…about what happened in the temple—" Golden orbs looked up to him in apprehension. Xander felt his breath got caught in his throat. His chest ached in a familiar way.

"Don't Ryoma." Xander tore his gaze eyes, not wanting to show the man the pain evident in his eyes. "I know what you want. You want it forgotten. I understand but please…don't say the words."

"What?" Ryoma spat, not understand what the redhead was babbling.

Xander sighed and forced his self to look into Ryoma's eyes, tears almost made his eyes shimmer. He gripped the steering wheel tighter, hoping it would anchor him to reality.

"I always had this fantasy in my head; that one day you will look twice and see me as someone more than a nuisance." He knew he's crying now but he couldn't seem to stop. "And it came true yesterday. I felt like I was flying. I want to preserve the memories. I already know that you want nothing from me…just like the old times."

"B-but p-please…give me this…give me this memory to hold on to."

Ryoma's heart swelled with emotions, seeing how vulnerable the redhead was. He never had this luxury with his former lovers. It became a bit clear to him now. This warm feeling that bubbled from his heart was akin to that of an attachment to the other man.

He closed his eyes for a moment. 'Why didn't I realize this before?' Without thinking twice, he leaned in and let his lips gently touch Xander's, earning a gasp from the redhead.

"Stupid Xander." Ryoma muttered against his lips. He pulled back a bit to stare into those endless pools of icy blue.

"Everything I realize it's time to give you a chance, you keep on reminding me that one thing that I hate about you, you blabbermouth."

willwillwill

A/N: WAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! gomen everyone!! I was so busy!! Please forgive Ria-chan!!

This is so rushed!!

If you want more…

Make me happy and review!!


	9. the calm before the storm

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

OOOOHHHH about the reactions last chapter. All I can say is I am staying true to the OT5 pairing. The Xander/Ryo pairing is there the make you flinch in pain while experiencing the angst in each chapter. Hehe...I'm evil that way. And I have stated in chapter 6 that the "Hunt" will start. Be patient ne? Or else I will lose my credibility as an angst writer if I gave them rainbows and candies immediately.

As for Yukimura's happiness...hmmm let me think about that first. Xander? I won't say anything but I know you'll hate me for it. hahahahahahaha

willwillwill

Xander blinked for a couple of times, Ryoma's words failed to register inside his head.

"Wha-what?"

Ryoma sighed in frustration. This man can be really dull sometimes. "You better listen for I will not repeat myself." He cradled Xander's handsome face in his hands. "I'm letting you in...in my life and in my heart. Understood?"

When Xander saw the resolve in Ryoma's eyes, the tiny knots that curled in his stomach slowly eased and his lungs stopped aching. Tears welled up in his eyes once more. "R-really?" His hands came up to grip Ryoma's wrist.

"Y-you're not kidding right?" Those seemingly cold orbs softened.

Ryoma smiled a little before leaning in to rest his forehead against his. "Yes, yes, yes. Why do you--" The rest was cut off when Xander suddenly pulled him close and held him tight.

"Thank you." Still in tears, he started showering Ryoma's face with kisses. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

Ryoma relaxed in his embrace and allowed the older man to do what he pleases. A large chunk of him felt relieved, at ease with the decision he made.

However, as their lips met in a slow lingering kiss, there was still a small voice inside his head that kept on nagging him while he melted in his new boyfriend's embrace.

'Am I doing the right thing?'

will

Yukimura slumped against a tree, finding himself robbed of his strength. The sheer intensity of meeting the golden-eyed man once more almost sent him reeling.

He closed his eyes tight. "Two years have gone by and still the longing never vanished. God, why won't my heart just accept the fact that I will never be with him, ever?" He bit his lip as he clutched his chest.

Then the image of Xander came to him. 'Who was that guy? Was that Ryoma's new lover?'

"Yuki-kun?"

Suddenly torn away from his reverie, Yukimura's head snapped up to meet the concerned gaze of Ryoga.

"Ryoga-san."

Ryoga sat next to him but didn't speak further. They shared a shrill silence so thin and fragile that even the lightest move could break it. He stared down at the young man beside him and frowned at how dejected he looked.

"So is it safe for me to say that you have discovered our secret?"

Yukimura nodded solemnly, still unable to formulate any coherent thought about the matter.

"I'm sorry. We didn't mean anyone harm." Ryoga hugged his knees to his chest. "It's just that Ryoma still cannot sum up the courage he needed to be able to face the whole lot of you—"

"No!" Yukimura cut him off. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine…mine alone." He buried his face in his hands. "Oh Ryoga-san! If you only knew what I did—"

"I already know."

That damnable silence once more. Yukimura was left gaping like a fish out of its pound at the revelation the older Echizen had.

"B-but..."

Ryoga gazed into his blue eyes. "The whole family knows. To be honest with you, I wanted to kill you upon hearing what you did to him; on how you shattered your friendship and essentially his life." His lips curved up into a melancholic smile. "I wanted to rip you into shreds. However...Ryoma has already forgiven you."

"I mean we're no saints but this is Ryoma we're talking about. It'll be like a field day for the saints in heaven."

willwill

Atobe stared at their luggage. Ever since the day they confronted Yukimura, they had agreed to fly to Glasglow to retrieve what was theirs.

Ryoma...

He bit his lip as the familiar longing in his heart returned. 'It's time that you come out of hiding, Ryo-chan.' He clenched his fists tight to pacify whatever ache in his heart. 'I don't think I'd be able to stand a day without you anymore.'

"Master Keigo."

He looked up to see Yosuke gazing at him worriedly. "What is it?"

"Master Keigo, are you sure that dropping everything to follow a disheartened lover is a good idea?"

Keigo frowned a little. Yes, their decision was a bit rash. Tezuka was about to start his internship in Tokyo Gen. Fuji was to debut as a professional photographer in a month and Sanada was getting ready to take his licensure exam to become a teacher. And he, the great Atobe Keigo, has a business empire to run. Indeed, their decision was something incomprehensible for the common folks.

"I know Yosuke but you cannot expect me, us to be able to live with ourselves, knowing that we have the ability to fix something and yet backed away just because of some obligations." He unclenched his fists, feeling the blood cam rushing back to his deprived fingers.

"An obligation to the heart is equally, if not far more important than that to society."

Yosuke nodded, showing that he understood what his young master just said. Actually, he's not at all against the idea of his young masters up and packing to find their wounded lover. In fact, he has been secretly wishing for the past two years that they would soon wake up from this daze and recover what they lost.

"Do you already have a place to stay in Britain, Master Keigo? Or would you want me to have your villa in the French countryside be readied for your arrival?"

Keigo shook his head. He stood up and paced the distance from the sofa to the window. "There's no need for that Yosuke. Ryoma's in Glasgow and you know very well another person who lives in Glasgow."

Yosuke's solemn face broke into a smile. "Should I alert Hawthorne Castle regarding your arrival then?"

That thought gave Keigo his first smile of the day. "No. I think I want to return the favor to my beloved cousin. After the wake, he was nowhere to be found. It's so like him."

"Ahh yess, I remember how Master Alexander used to be such a carefree spirit." Then his face sobered up. "Pity that his care-free spirit is restricted."

Keigo's smile disappeared. "I know. That's why I vowed that I shall look after his welfare, his happiness until I die." He turned around to face Yosuke.

"I'm basically the only one he's got."

willwillwill

The flight back to Glasgow was relatively peaceful however, the moment they got inside Ryoma's jeep, a simple question sparked an argument for about half an hour already.

"Xander, I told you, finally agreeing to be your boyfriend doesn't mean I would immediately move in with you." Ryoma fought hard with his self not to slam his foot on the accelerator.

"But Ryoma!" Xander protested. "It's not like my house is that far from yours!" Yes, he wanted the golden-eyed man to move in and quick.

Ryoma gave in and rolled his eyes. "Damn Xander it is! I have a farm to tend. Geez! Don't you realize how much I'd be wasting from traveling to the farm and back to the castle?"

Xander pouted. "I just want to spend more time with you."

Ryoma sighed and he turned towards the road that led to the locally famous Hawthorne Castle. "As if you have not been spending more time with me already, even before my parents died."

Xander leaned back against his seat as he looked out to the outline of his beloved castle at the distance. "I'm sorry." He muttered. "We've been a couple for like less than a day and I'm demanding much from you already." He turned into to be drowned in those golden orbs.

Ryoma couldn't help the amusement he felt, watching the redhead. Yes, they're in the beginning stage of a relationship. He knew that Xander had very little experience with romance and the way he's behaving now reminded him of how he was years ago.

He felt like banging his head against the steering wheel at the comparison he used. Before they met a fate similar to his departed parents, he pulled over the side of the road.

"Fine." He breathed out. "We'll make an arrangement as to who shall stay over at who's house and when. But I'm telling I don't plan on seeing you on a daily basis in my villa. You're much of a distraction than it is."

Xander couldn't suppress the grin. He knew that Ryoma always had a soft part dedicated solely for him.

"Why? Am i an amazing distraction?" A perfect eyebrow arched up teasingly.

Ryoma rolled his eyes again then revived the engine. "Don't feed your ego that much, Xander. It's already humongous as we speak."

Xander's chuckled died away as the roar of the enginge echoed into the peaceful air as they went back into the road. "Ahh, you know how much I adore a man with a big vocabulary, love. It'll give me a hard time complying to these "rules" that we would impose."

"Shut up."

willwillwill

A/n: i know it's short. however, i'm just sticking to the essence of the chapter title. It is indeed the calm before the storm. i know it's a bit useless...full of non-OT5 fluff but my head's really thrown off-course right now. i will try to mount a long chapter for the next update.

however, this chapter is not a waste all throughout. If you noticed, i gave you another hole to wander into, hoping that you'd be trapped inside for quite a while. it's about Atobe's conversation with Super Butler no. 1, Yosuke. i'm pertaining to the "restriction of Xander's care-free spirit". so basically, one of the main source of angst in this story is the Atobe-Xander blood tie. i mean literally.

so if you want more...

PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!


	10. on false assumptions

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

ok...I did promise you a long chapter...so I'll start with something easy.

**to:**

MoonExpressions: A Bribe for a bribe! Now that I have updated mine, you update yours .

PS: loved the update of "Club 7"

willwillwill

Richard was smiling when he put the receiver down. Ryoga had called in advance and had informed him that his volatile young master and the sulking golden-eyed man were back in Glasgow.

'Did they think they could surprise me?' He chuckled as he bustled through the garden where the other servants were. "Everybody, hustle up! Master Alexander and Ryoma-kun will be arriving in a few hours." His smile grew wider when he saw how they scattered like a flock of doves.

Xander was a good master. Even better than their dearly departed Master Lucius. "I couldn't imagine an even better heir than him." He muttered under his breath as he strolled back to the massive stone structure. The young redhead came to them as a confused 15 year-old boy, disowned by his heartless parents just because he'd be unable to produce an heir to due to preference in sex.

He couldn't help but shiver at the sudden surge of the memories back in his head. His blue eyes wandered across the vast space of the castle's welcome area. He could almost see how his departed Master Lucius ran from the stairs to embrace the young redhead who was crying uncontrollably with his luggage on his both sides. From then on, he had cared for the young man as if he was his own.

The old master of the castle gave him everything, sometimes even things that the boy did not want, hoping that it would erase the painful memories of his childhood. A year after that, a Japanese couple came to their doorstep, wishing to buy a piece of land to start an orange orchard.

Richard swept through the entrance, making sure that everything is in place. He could hear the maidservants clamor to clean the castle. 'It was a good thing that we met them.' He couldn't erase the expression Echizen Rinko had when she saw Xander.

_"Kawaii."_

_Xander tried to hide behind his uncle when the woman hovered over him._

_"Rinko, please don't scare him." Nanjiroh rolled his eyes, causing Lucius to laugh. The young redhead looked up to his uncle questioningly. _

_"W__**hat does it mean?**__" He asked. _

_"I__**t means you're cute.**__" Lucius told him. He then turned to Rinko. "You seem fond of kids. I thought you have two of your own?" Xander gaped at him when he spoke effortlessly in nihonggo. _

_Nanjiroh's smile faltered a bit. "It seems that ours were a bit wayward. Do forgive her. She just misses the little brat who chose to stay back in Japan." _

Ever since that day, Xander found another set of parent figures in Rinko and Nanjiroh. They made it easier for him when his beloved uncle died from his heart ailment two years after that. Where Lucius Hawthorne left off, they continued.

The sound of a familiar noisy engine shattered his reverie. He ran towards the great oak doors, threw it open only to crash into a familiar bubbly redhead.

"Richard!! I'm home!!"

will

Ryoga settled back against the sofa after his phone conversation with Richard. He was hoping that his brother and the redhead were already home but he guessed he's a bit early. His eyes scanned the living room. The sadness flooded back in his heart once more. If he had not been such a wayward child, he would've spent his childhood in this happy-looking household, with his parents and his brother.

Now, he's going away again...leaving this house, this country. But not because he hated this place. Japan has nothing to offer him and his family anymore.

'I'm sure Otousan and Okasan will understand.'

"Ryoga-san, I've finished packing." Nanako's voice echoed inside his head.

Ryoma blinked a couple of times before he nodded. "Oh ok. We'll leave in a few minutes.' He stood up and dusted off his pants. "Le's go and lock up."

"Ok." Nanako beamed at him.

Ryoga smiled back, grateful that his cousin was willing to leave her life here in Japan to help out Ryoma in the farm. And besides, her being a finance graduate will help his brat of a brother when it comes to settling the finances of the business...much like the role of his mother when she was still alive.

He took a deep breath before he lead the way upstairs to clean up. 'I hope I'm doing the right thing. I want to give Ryoma all the support that he needs. I know I wouldn't be able to watch over him closely, given that I have tournaments to play in.'

He paused before his parents' old bedroom. "Ok, let's start with this."

willwill

Ryoma was back in his jeep after placating a whiny Xander. The man thought once he's in the castle, he can keep him in there. One stern "no" did the job.

His lips curled up into a sad smile when the reddish glow of the setting sun painted his orchard's canopy. "Not very far now," He stilled the churning of his stomach. It has been almost three days since he left for his parents' burial.

He was surprised to see Suzu and her husband Hugo, their housekeepers waiting for him outside the gates of his villa. His. He drove in and waited for the couple to come up to the front door before he went out of his jeep.

"Ryoma-sama, welcome home." Suzu held her arms wide open and embraced Ryoma tightly.

"I'm glad to be back Su-chan." Ryoma mumbled.

Hugo smiled at his young master. "Let's get your things inside then, Ryoma-sama. Suzu has her delicious curry boiling in the kitchen. I can sense that you need nourishment."

Ryoma nodded and broke free from his nanny to help Hugo unload his jeep with his luggage.

Suzu helped out as well. She pushed the oak doors open. "Your parents must be looking after us, especially the farm, Ryoma-sama. Your apple seedlings are beautifully growing as we speak. The oranges started budding fruits. Harvest time will be in a few weeks."

Ryoma kept silent the whole time. He caught glimpse of his vast orange orchard through the low window in the receiving area. 'Yes...' His sad smile turned into something less bitter.

'They're definitely watching over us.' He closed his eyes and imagined his parents' face.

"Oyaji, Okasan, I will not let you down."

willwillwill

Fuji's smile was as wide as it can be as he stepped off Atobe's private jet. It was about four days ago when they have learned that Ryoma was staying in Glasgow. They would've left earlier had Atobe's cousin, Alexander Hawthorne, stayed put. Their flight to Britain was delayed since his diva of a lover wanted to make sure that the handsome redhead was not in Japan anymore.

"Syusuke, hurry up." a low grumbled echoed from behind. He turned around and saw Sanada glaring at him.

"Oops! Sorry if I hogged the door." He chuckled before moving to get out of the way. He knew he loved teasing other people but he'd rather not cross Sanada right now. He's been cramming to study for the licensure exam as much as he could, given that he's taking an unnecessary vacation.

"Oh don't be grumpy Gen." Atobe scoffed, following the disgruntled man. "We're in a beautiful country."

Sanada gritted his teeth. It's not as if he doesn't want to see Ryoma. He's just stressed out with his exams only a few weeks away. "Tell that to me when I'm unable to answer my test Keigo."

Tezuka smiled fondly at his lovers antics. "I'll help you review Gen. Even though this place seems tempting; I would not allow you to get careless."

Sanada turned to him and smiled appreciatively. "Thanks Mitsu."

Fuji pouted and wrapped his arm about the raven-haired man. "I'll help you too, Gen. I'll give you massages while you study."

Atobe snorted. "Please...as if three minutes of that and you're on your back or knees, begging for Gen to discipline you."

That earned him a blushing Sanada and a chuckling Fuji. A familiar black limousine stopped before them.

"Now, now kids..." Tezuka picked up his luggage. "We shouldn't forget why we're here in the first place."

"We're here to retrieve a lost kitten."

will

Sunlight peeked beneath his eyelids and Xander knew that it was way past Ryoma's wake-up time. He reached for the golden-eyed man's side of the bed and felt nothing. It made Xander smile.

Ryoma, during his first months of stay in Glasgow, was very difficult to wake up. It has been his parents' problem. Xander, being the self-appointed guardian of the young man, experimented with methods on how to get him up. First was the lure of Japanese food...and sometimes, if the heavens allow it, Italian breakfast. He's amazed when his Mama Rinko told him about this method.

But then the young man developed a resistance to it so he had to think of something else.

Xander stretched out before grabbing the pillow Ryoma slept in that night. He held it tight and inhaled the distinct scent that was Ryoma's alone. He then stood up and paced the distance from the bed to the window.

The next method was the use of oranges. He discovered, while watching Ryoma sulk in the orchard, that the young man was rather fond of the scent of the citrus fruit. So one harvest morning, he crept inside Ryoma's room once more and placed dozens and dozens of newly-harvest orange around the sleeping man, framing his body. In a few seconds, those golden eyes which he adores so much opened.

Xander leaned against the open window and scanned the vast orange orchard, looking for his boyfriend. Yes, it's still boyfriend since they haven't crossed _that line_ yet. It's his first time to stay in Ryoma's room, his first time to share his bed.

The third method, which proved to be a true woe, was the erratic sound of Nanjiroh's wood chipper. Since Ryoma's gotten used to the scent of oranges, he's back to being the godson of Morpheus. However, ever since they've found out that it was his wood chipper that shredded Karupin into bite-sized pieces; Ryoma always wakes up in a start every time he hears a wood chipper running.

His smile disappeared at that memory. Karupin. He remembered how the young man cried for days due to the death of his beloved pet. As usual, he was there to comfort him.

Failing to spot Ryoma, he turned his back towards the window and started fixing their bed. Their bed. The mere thought made him grin like a Cheshire cat. Although they just fell asleep in each other's arms last night, he's beginning to love the feeling of being beside him.

"I could get used to this." He muttered as he took a ridiculous amount of care smoothing out the creases on the sheets. A soft knock on the door robbed him of a nice fantasy of Ryoma writhing on these sheets.

The door opened and Suzu peered inside. "Master Alexander, Master Ryoma wishes you to come to the kitchen immediately. He said he would like to start tending the farm as early as possible."

Xander smiled at her. "I'll be there in a sec." He turned his attention on the bed once more and smiled sadly. His Ryoma now is nowhere near the Ryoma he met in the past. Funny how a horrid twist of events changed someone so drastically. The Ryoma now is an early riser. He stopped lazing around the orchard and became the first one to pick up the shovel to tend the soil nurtured by his parents' blood and sweat.

The Ryoma now doesn't sulk anymore. Instead, his face falls into a serious expression, as if thinking deep. He doesn't smirk that much anymore; instead a sad, tolerant smile grazes his lips most of the time.

Xander sighed. "Why do I feel like I'm so close to you and yet there's a mile between us?" He caressed the sheets one last time before leaving the room.

"No biggie...I felt like I crossed a hundred miles just to get to you...I don't mind crossing a mile more."

will

Nanako glanced at Ryoga warily. The young tennis pro was glaring at his hands ever since they boarded the plane. They had been delayed for a few hours due to the mayhem the paparazzi caused at the airport.

They forgot that today was the release date of the special issue of Monthly Tennis. The issue which was solely dedicated to his father. The one where Ryoma's interview was printed.

It cost them almost three hours to completely get away from the press people. And since Ryoga's a celebrity now, they were able to talk there way into a flight to London...far from their true destination but still, they were able to get out of Japan. Just as they were to pass the boarding gate, Ryoga spotted a magazine stand and bought a copy of the magazine. His eyes watered instantly when he saw the title on the cover.

**Samurai Nanjiorh: A Legend Passes On**

The minute he got to his seat, he immediately tore the wrapping off and directly went to the features page. The first thing that appeared before him was a pin-up of Ryoma...an image taken two years ago just as he was presented once again as one of Japan's representative to the Olympics. His heart was filled with sorrow as a memory of the past came to him.

_"Why me?" Ryoga asked. "You're the one who's already established a career in tennis. I've been gone far too long...had not trained in like years." _

_Ryoma sighed. "Because you're an Echizen. And Echizens are naturally excellent in tennis." _

_An eyebrow arched up. "And what are you? Are you not an Echizen?" He leaned in. "your future is brighter than the sun Ryoma. Why are you dropping everything—"_

_A deadly glare form those golden orbs cut him off. "Oyaji's dream should be fulfilled." _

_Unexplained anger suddenly bubbled from his gut. "Shouldn't you be the one to fulfill it? You're the great Prince of Tennis anyway!" He was panting hard, not realizing that he has been holding his breath at the time. "Why are you being a coward?! Why are you forcing upon me the responsibility that is supposed to be yours?!" _

_"Oyaji spent all those years honing you...perfecting your skills and now you're throwing everything away! And for what?!" _

_Surprisingly, the younger sibling didn't respond with a retort. Those angry golden eyes turned soft...watery...until tears trailed down his cheeks one after the other. Ryoga was perturbed at the sight. He had not seen is brother cry in like 15 years of so._

_"Please Ryoga..." Ryoma hastily wiped those tears away. "I-I cannot do it anymore. N-not like this. e-every time I pick up a racket, I can s-see them. I can see their angry faces. I-I can't move. I want to but my legs won't allow me to run after the ball like I used two."_

_He watched at his younger brother hugged himself, as if trying to make his self as little as possible._

_"I don't have it anymore. I don't have that fire, the will to win. I felt like it was doused dead by the icy words that came from their lips and not even the fieriest words of encouragement could revive it. This should be one of those rare instances that a phoenix failed to rise from the ashes." _

Ryoga closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. He opened then again to read Ryoma's interview.

**Inoue: What is it that you regret the most regarding the death of your parents?**

**Echizen: Regrets...yes I do have a lot. To top it all off, I regret being a coward. I let my pain cloud my judgment. As you have learned, I stopped playing professional tennis and my brother's the one playing pro instead. I selfishly denied my father his dreams...and most of all, I denied myself the happiness I know Tennis alone could give. **

Ryoga collapsed against his seat with a heavy sigh. Everything's just wrong. Ryoma shouldn't be tending an orchard. He should be holding a tennis racket, not a spade.

"Ryoga-san? Are you ok?"

Ryoga cast a glance on his cousin. "I'll be fine Nanako. Eventually."

**Echizen: My father is a good man. I couldn't thank the heavens enough for having him as a father... **

**I just wish I was able to tell him that...before he died.**

willwill

Richard was busy with the paperwork concerning the Hawthorne Winery when a vaguely familiar black limousine skidded at halt before the entrance of the castle. They were not expecting any business associate nor tour organizers for the day so it made him really curious.

There was a curt knock on the door then a maid's head peeked in.

"Sir Richard, there are a couple of young men outside the castle--"

The butler didn't wait for her to finish as he strode out of the office, his long grey hair cascading behind him. He moved swiftly, wanting to see who came to visit. He broke into a dignified run down the stairs only to halt in mid-step, gaping at the newcomers.

"Oh hello there Richard. You seem to have aged handsomely these past years." Came a deep, sultry, taunting voice that seemed so familiar; a familiar trait that ran in the Hawthorne family.

"Young Master Atobe, this is an unexpected surprise." Richard beamed at him as he descended down the stairs. He doesn't recognize the rest of the young man's companions aside from Yosuke, the brat's personal butler for years, just like him.

He nodded at the butler, acknowledging his presence. "Nevertheless, welcome to Hawthorne Castle."

will

Ryoma had a wistful smile on as he watched the redhead worked on the apple seedlings. Never did he imagine that he'd be able to have the redhead do such a thing. Xander's looks is as dainty as a flower; almost giving him an entirely feminine look.

He shook his head to dispel such thoughts from his head. No matter how feminine Xander looked, he's definitely an alpha male underneath. He'd just have to get rid of the whining.

"Hey Ryo!" The latter's yell broke into his mind bubble. "You still have a few yards free. Are you sure you don't want to get more apple seedlings?" The redhead stood up and brushed off the sweat beads on his face with his sleeves.

Ryoma took a clean towel and stood beside him. He tiptoed to be able to reach Xander's face and toweled him dry. "I have other plans for that and it's a surprise."

Xander grinned while enjoying the luxury of being tended to. Sure he's not used to manual labor but he had experience while under Nanjiroh's wings. "Thanks." He muttered when the golden-eyed man was done with him.

"A surprise?"

Ryoma nodded and eyed the healthy-looking seedlings. "It's already 9 am. I'm sure Richard is dead worried about you. You better go home."

Xander pouted. "But Ryo! You said something about a surprise." He protested. A snap from his raven-haired boyfriend and he sealed his lips.

Ryoma sighed in resignation. "It's a surprise for you so stop prying or else I won't do it at all." That changed the redhead's mood in an instant.

"Really?! Oh geez thank Ryo!" Xander couldn't help but crush Ryoma into a tight embrace. "Don't worry I will stop prying. I promise." He then sealed this with a firm kiss on Ryoma's lips.

Ryoma gave him a small smile. "I know, I know now off you go you big lug." He playfully pushed the redhead. "Go on."

Xander cast him one last giddy grin before he ran off to return to the castle. "You may have disposed of me now but I'm telling you only it's temporary!" He yelled.

Ryoma shook his head. "I know. You'll be back in no time." He couldn't help but feel hollowed out as he watched the redhead's figure vanish from his sight.

willwill

After Richard had them settled inside one of the tea rooms, he left his master's cousin to alert the rest of the castle about the unexpected visit.

Fuji had been pacing back and forth in front of the glass sliding doors while looking around with amazement in his eyes. "Wow...I never though I'd actually see an English castle let alone stay in one."

Tezuka took a sip of tea. "Yes and their tea is remarkable; very much different from the ones we have back home." His eyes settled on his other raven-haired lover who was busy checking out the books on the shelf.

"Amazing book collection as well." Sanada grunted as his eyes scanned avidly at the titles.

"Of course!" Atobe scoffed. "Hawthornes, as much as Atobes, lived in luxury for centuries." He turned to Yosuke who was standing silently while looking at the vast grape plantation seen from the veranda. "How long was it since Ore-sama last came here, Yosuke?"

The Japanese butler turned to his young master and smile. "Almost 12 years now Master Keigo. You and Master Alexander were just nine back then and the two of you were visiting Count Lucius at the same time."

"Ahh...and your cousins from which side of the family again?" Fuji asked as he caressed the elegant brocade curtains.

Atobe flipped his hair off his face. "Mother's. His father and Ore-sama's mother are siblings—"

Richard came back inside, cutting the rest of his statement. After him followed two maidservants with sandwiches and cakes.

"I apologize for being poorly prepared for your visit Master Atobe. I was indeed surprised by this sudden...engagement." He said as he eyed Atobe's three other lovers. "Please excuse my rudeness but may I know why you came to visit? Surely Master Alexander would've mentioned—"

"You said it yourself Richard." Atobe snorted. "It's a surprise." He set his cup down and crossed his legs. "Now tell me. Where did my impulsive cousin flew off to when he's supposed to be here to greet me?"

Richard smiled a little, remembering that his master spent the night at Ryoma's villa. "He's at his boyfriend's—or rather lover's house right now." His smile widened at the utter shock on Atobe's face.

"L-lover?!" Atobe muttered in indignation. He stood up abruptly. "Richard!! Have you not learned from the past?! How could you allow Xander to do such a reckless thing?!"

Tezuka's eyebrow arched up. "Why are you so worried about your cousin having a lover? He's a handsome, single guy. Of course he'll look for a relationship."

"But Mitsu!!"

Yosuke cleared his throat. "I think what my master is referring to was the incident that occurred a few years back when Young Master Hawthorne—"

The rest of his sentence died off when the doors burst open and an angry-looking Xander stormed in.

"Don't you dare talk about my lover like that." His perfectly-shaped lips were set in a firm line. "You don't know anything about him."

will

Ryoma had just finished moving four boxes of flowering plants and bulbs when his phone rang. He glanced at the screen curiously, seeing as it was an unregistered number.

'Now who could this be?' He asked himself as his accepted the call. He however did not speak right away.

"**Ryoma? This is Seiichi.**"

will

"I'm not having this conversation again Keigo." Xander grumbled as he stepped out of his dirty farm suit. He forgot to change clothes since he was still elated with the news Ryoma gave him. He just hopped inside his car and drove home.

Atobe groaned as he flopped on the bed, watching his cousin's silhouette through the tatami divider. "You know I'm only worried about your welfare Xander. You know very well that we only have each other—"

"I'm 23 years old damn it! I'm not a baby!" Xander put on a shirt and lose pants before he stepped out from behind the sliding divider. "And look at yourself! You have three lovers! How does that make mine look wrong?"

Atobe shook his head. "My lovers and I had been together for nine years. That makes the difference." He leaned back on his arms. "And besides, we knew each other even before we got together. We were rivals." He eyed his Xander carefully, noting the odd new light in his icy-blue eyes, the wistful smile on his lips. 'Damn! The idiot is mooning. How did this happen so fast? How could I allow this to happen?'

"How long have you known this man anyway?"

Xander shrugged and sat before his dresser. Then again, vanity runs in the family. "Two years. It's not like what happened to Erick. I assure you of that." He took the brush and started smoothing out his red locks. "He doesn't even care if I'm rich for he's quite well-off himself." He watched in the mirror as his cousin moved to stand behind him. "A-and he wasn't the one who did the wooing and stuff."

"I did."

Atobe stared at his cousin on the mirror once more. Loath though he was to admit it, Xander looked down right gorgeous...more gorgeous than him. That, in the past, compelled him to protect the seemingly-weak boy from any harm. He took the brush from his hand and did the brushing himself; marveling at how soft his hair was.

"I'm just scared that it'll end up like it did with Erick. That bastard nearly took off with your money and business." He watched at Xander closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling of being groomed. "I just want to make sure you're safe and happy. You know very well that you're—"

Xander's eyes snapped open. "I'm fine Keigo. I haven't had a relapse in years, thanks to you." He took hold of Atobe's hand and squeezed it firmly. "I can understand that you are worried and I'm grateful for that. But Keigo, I have to have a life and this man gives me the one thing that I want the most. Trust me on this one ok?" He smiled hopefully to his cousin.

Atobe took a deep breath and squeezed his cousin's hand in return. "You cannot stop me from keeping a not-so-opened mind regarding this until I have met this man Xander. But I will try to bite back my tongue until I do."

Xander's eyes almost twinkled in delight. "Oh you'll love him Keigo! I can't wait for you to meet him!"

Atobe forced his self to smile back. 'Yeah...I can't wait. I really can't.'

will

"You seem against this relationship Yosuke. Why?" Tezuka asked their butler. Ever since the cousins left, they had been sharing this shrill silence with a huge tension cloud looming over them.

Yosuke opened his mouth to speak but closed it anyway. "I apologize Master Kunimitsu but that story is not mine to tell."

"Four years ago Master Alexander fell for an employee of his in the Winery. However, that person had nothing in mind aside from being rich." Richard set his tea cup down and sighed. "Had I not caught him sniffing around the Winery's financial reports, I wouldn't have suspected anything. And since my master was a young man in love, he was almost convinced to let Erick handle a few stocks."

"I can say I'm glad that I was able to stop such a catastrophe however it left only one thing that is broken...my master's heart. Young Master Atobe was really mad that he almost had Erick killed."

"I see." Sanada nodded. "And are you sure that this lover of his does not have the same motive?"

"Of course not!" Richard snorted. "The young man's family and Master Lucius go way back. And besides, the couple had been a second set of parents for my young master even after Master Lucius died." His face then sobered up.

"They're Japanese, just so you know."

"Really? How…interesting!" Fuji smiled his trademark "I'm-so-intrigued-I-want-to-do-something-about-it" smile.

"Richard!" Xander burst back into the tea room with Atobe in tow. "Call Suzu-chan! Tell her that we're having a lunch over the villa. I want Keigo and his lovers to see my boyfriend so that their suspicions would disappear. And also tell Mimi to prepare something too. I don't want to put excessive pressure on sweet Suzu-chan."

"And tell Suzu-chan that this is a surprise ok?"

Yosuke chuckled at the redhead's antics. "There's no need to—" He trailed off when Atobe threw him a glare. He watched at Richard stood up and went out to the phone room.

Xander waited for him to disappear before he glared at his visitors. "Now you better behave yourselves. My boyfriend hates visitors, especially prying ones. We just hooked up so don't do anything that will ruin our budding relationship, understood?" The rest nodded and he relaxed.

"Ok great!" He spun around but paused in mid-step. "Oh one more thing," He titled his head to smirk at them. "He's hot and sexy but think twice. I worked hard for two years just to get him and I'm not about to just hand him over to anyone."

will

Ryoma sighed and collapsed on a wooden bench situate under on of their biggest orange tree. He gripped his phone tightly, still listening to his ex-best friend.

"So you mean to say that they already know that I am here?" Ryoma asked. 'This is not looking good.'

"**I'm so sorry Ryoma! God! How could I've been so stupid!?"**__

"It's ok. You had a weird sense of justice...you were trying to make amends." Ryoma massaged his temple, sensing a huge bout against a terrible headache coming up. There was a long pause from the other line.

"**Um Ryoma...that redhead—**"

"He's someone important to me Seiichi." Ryoma kept it to that. I'm sorry too." he closed his eyes, almost seeing Yukimura's sad face.

"**Sorry? Ryoma, I'm the one who should be apologizing—**"

"I'm sorry for still not returning your feelings Seiichi. But you have to understand, especially after what you have done, that I could never, never give you a chance." He bit his lips when he heard a sharp intake of breath.

"You know very well that I'm not prone to giving people second chances."

willwillwill

A/N: ok...I'll leave it to that. I think I'd be able to update faster after next week...summer class ends at last!! Man! I love the Operating Room! Love it! Love it! Love it! Ok so back to information dissemination.

I hope you noticed one of the major angst sources I have for this story. I told you from last chapter that it would come from the Atobe-Xander relationship. I know...I'm leaving you off to a cliffhanger...again! But aren't you guys used to that? you know how much I love to leave you hanging.

So if you want more...

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!


	11. something about the orchard

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

More notes: Curious as to why Ryoma said he's not prone to giving second chances even though it is slightly obvious that he still feels something for his ex-lovers? Well, wouldn't you place your bets on doubts after you got hurt?

And yeah...as I have been reviewing the previous chapters, I found a glitch. It was described in chapter 2 that Tezuka was a Law Student and the proceeding chapters after it described him as a MD student. So I apologize for the mix-up. Now Tezuka is an MD student. Gomen!

to:

MoonExpressions: A super long update? wai!! Arigatou!! (Ria-chan jumps in glee!)

To everyone: I'm sorry for the cliffhangers . I think it's Syusuke's sadistic side. It's contagious.

willwillwill

Minutes passed by silently as Ryoma contemplated on the situation at hand. Basing from what Yukimura had told him, the others wanted him back. Something that he did not expect. Another thing that he did not expect was the way his stomach fluttered in excitement. If he's to believe Yukimura, they'd be here already.

'But I stopped believing.' Ryoma mused as he played with the dried leaves that fell upon him. 'They told me that they would never hurt me and yet they did. My parents told me they'd be by my side all the time and now they're dead. Yes...I stopped believing a long time ago.'

Then an image of Xander popped in his heart. it made his heart ache further. 'Just when I started putting my faith back on someone again...' He closed his eyes; a memory came vividly at him.

_"Well, Atobe Keigo's a cousin of mine." _

_"I actually brought them here upon knowing that they know Papa Jiroh and you. But I didn't tell them you're here because that would literally break the promise I gave you..."_

_"...what's the problem? They told me that you were a kohai of them—" _

He buried his face in his arms with a groan. He knew already the Xander was Atobe's cousin. He probably knew that the redhead would lead him back to his past. And yet...

"_Don't Ryoma." _

"_I know what you want. You want it forgotten. I understand but please…don't say the words." _

"_I always had this fantasy in my head; that one day you will look twice and see me as someone more than a nuisance." _

"_And it came true yesterday. I felt like I was flying. I want to preserve the memories. I already know that you want nothing from me…just like the old times."_

"_B-but p-please…give me this…give me this memory to hold on to."_

And yet he allowed his self a moment of weakness. He crossed the line. He was the one who kissed him first anyway. In darkness he immersed himself...seeing a very catastrophic...very painful future.

He bit his lip, almost oblivious to the fact that tears were now falling from his eyes. 'I'm really sorry Xander. I didn't mean to drag you in this mess I'm in.' He brushed off the treacherous tears away.

'I don't want to be hurt again...I don't want to be left alone again...but I certainly don't want to see you get hurt.'

will

'They sure move fast.' Tezuka mused as he found his self and the rest inside Xander's limousine. In the center was a packed picnic basket which the castle chef was able to produce in a flash. Richard was the one who insisted to personally drive them to "The Villa" of Xander's lover. Yosuke sat with him up front.

"So, tell us what this man is like." Fuji smiled at Xander. He instantly saw how the redhead's facial expression lightened up. 'He must really love him.'

"Well he's character is very opposite to mine. He's the silent, brooding type...still has a bit of brat-streak in him. He prefers to keep to himself most of the time." Xander wanted to laugh at his self right now because he'd probably be sporting a dreamy sort of look at the moment.

Sanada felt a sudden tug in his heart. 'This man is seemingly similar to Ryoma. Or is my imagination playing with my heart right now?' He forced his self to clear his throat. "And what does he do for a leaving?"

Xander shrugged. "He's a fruit farmer."

"What?!" Atobe looked aghast. "A farmer?! I thought you said he's well-off?"

Xander chuckled at his cousin's reaction. "He owns a 6-acre orange orchard Keigo. And right now, I'm helping him start on a new fruit venture. His parents bought the land from us and from that they became the supplier of the best oranges in this part of Britain."

"Is that the reason why you looked disheveled when you arrived this morning?" Fuji asked, his smile growing wider causing Xander to blush.

"No! Not like that!" Xander flailed his arms, his face heating up. "I just helped him out in cultivating his apple seedlings this morning. They only hire workers during harvest time so I felt sorry that he'd have to slave the day away tending the farm on his own." He smiled shyly at them.

"And besides, given his personality, it gave me a chance to be with him more and that makes me happy."

Atobe managed to placate his self. Damn, his cousin looked like an utter fool right now, blushing shyly and such. That further fanned the flames in his heart. 'I need to meet this man soon!' He looked out the window as saw a beautiful white structure coming at the distance.

"Is that it?" Fuji leaned in too, watching the villa avidly.

Xander nodded. "I sure hope I don't get into trouble bringing you there." His heart suddenly fluttered anxiously. He closed his eyes. 'What is this that I feel? I feel like I'm forgetting something but I can't remember!'

The next thing he realized was the limousine stopped in front of the elegant white house. He forced his self to smile as the door opened.

"Here we go."

will

Ryoga felt his heart doubled over just as he stepped unto the platform. They've just arrived...after being delayed for hours back in Japan.

'Did something bad happen to Ryoma?' His mind immediately reeled with the possibilities supplied to him. 'Surely he wouldn't commit suicide. Xander would make sure that he wouldn't'

"Ryoga-san."

He blinked a couple of times before refocusing on Nanako. "What is it?"

"You look pale." She said. "I think we better hurry so that you could lie in for the rest of the day."

Ryoga found his self agreeing. "That would be great." His eyes cast up to the sky. 'Ryoma...please be safe. Wait for me.'

will

Ryoma started on breaking the few yards of soil remaining. He's planning to put up a sort of small green house for his ornamental plants. He knew that he did not need another set of work in his already full hands but as the situation turned bad...he felt like he needed another zen-thing going on.

'And besides...' He placed all his strength, courtesy of his newly formed muscles, into unearthing the virgin soil. 'I promised Xander a surprise.' Sweat beads started to breaking into his skin and yet he ignored it.

'Yes...I guess I remember why I came to like farming now. It diverted all thoughts and emotions and turned it into raw power I need.'

'Very much like how tennis used to be for me.'

will

They immediately sought out Suzu who was still busy in the kitchen. From her Xander learned that Ryoma's still far out in the farm, keeping himself busy.

"Ok that gives us time to prepare for a picnic outside." Xander smiled.

Suzu smiled at him. "I already had Hugo set up the table in the garden." It was then that she noticed Atobe. "Is that—"

"Yes Suzu-san. I'm the proud young brat that you took care of twelve years ago." Atobe smiled at her. The old woman smiled back and embraced him.

"My you look stunning Young Master Atobe." She muttered. She then noticed the other of their company. "And these are?"

"My lovers Suzu-san." Atobe smiled at the shocked expression she has. "Now what's cooking?"

will

Ryoma surveyed his work. He managed to produce six soil plots in less than ten minutes...damn he's good. He dropped the spade to inspect the equipment he gathered. He took one of the metal pipes and the mesh net.

"Hmmm...I think it is much better to use these than build a glass green house. Much more cheaper...looks more natural and easy to build." He muttered to himself. He shrugged and started digging hole for the pipes.

Over the years that he spent in the farm, his body changed. It was something that he had learned to accept. He's lost most of his boyish, innocent look. It was replaced by layer of solid muscles and his skin turned a bit tan after spending grueling days under the sun.

No matter how many changes occurred to him...he's still as hot...if not hotter than ever before.

will

"Wow...this place in incredible." Fuji breathed out when they stepped into the garden where the picnic table was set up. His eyes turned to the white fences that let to a cast field of orange trees. "I wish I had brought my camera with me."

"See? I told you." Xander looked at them smugly. He saw Richard and Hugo talking in a corner. "Hugo, where is your young master?"

"He's still out in the fields Master Alexander. I haven't seen him return to the house after you left." Hugo replied.

Xander sighed. So typical of Ryoma. "That means I would have to fetch him there right? He wouldn't come around unless someone goes out to get him." He turned to his cousin and his lovers. "Come, I'll tour you around the orchard at the same time."

"Who knows? You might get the surprise of your life." He winked at them before he pushed the white gates open.

Atobe raised an eyebrow at his lovers before they followed Xander into the orchard.

"I think this is going to be fun." They heard Fuji muttered.

will

Ryoma moved in haste, his heart pounding in his ears.

"What is wrong with me?" Ryoma asked his self as he secured the third pipe. "Where did all this excited energy came from?" He bit his lip as he weighed down on the erected pipe to allow it to burrow deeper into the ground.

He let go with a gasp. 'Anxiety and hard manual labor do not go hand in hand Ryoma.' He brushed the sweat of his face, not realizing that he was sweating profusely. He scanned the area and saw no one.

Ryoma took one deep breath and clutched at his chest. 'You are one big fool hoping that they would suddenly show up.' His lips curve dup into a bitter smile.

"Weren't they the ones who told you to get out of their lives?"

will

The five of them wandered into the vast orange plantation, basking in the fresh scent of the healthy looking trees.

"It almost took three years before they were able to establish this orchard." Xander stretched out his arms and breathed in deep.

"I think it was worth it." Tezuka replied. "I've never been in an orange orchard before...let alone be in one of the best."

Atobe reached out and caressed a leaf. "So you mean your lover solely handles this business?"

Xander stopped dead on his tracks to face his cousin. The sadness that clouded his eyes did not escape the trained ones of his audiences. "His parents died a week ago." He forced a smile to help erase the gloominess that surrounded him.

Atobe was atken aback. 'Dead?'

Xander sighed. "That's why he needs me more than ever. He's just taken over the business and amidst the grief and all…he needs someone stable to hold on to." He spun around and started walking once more.

_"They're Japanese, just so you know." _

Sanada's heart drummed thunderously against his chest. 'His lover is a Japanese...whose parents died a week ago.' A sweat bead trailed down his face. 'This is becoming to be too much of a coincidence.'

_"Ryoma never divulged his exact location. The night that he left Japan, he said that he will staying with his parents in Glasgow in Britain."_

_"Well he's character is very opposite to mine. He's the silent, brooding type...still has a bit of brat-streak in him. He prefers to keep to himself most of the time." _

He bit his lip. He eyed his lovers, a tad frustrated that they are not showing any signs of curiosity.

"There is the apple orchard that I was talking about earlier." Xander pointed at a sunny yellow-colored wooden fence a few yards away from them. "He has already established the seedlings and he and I are helping out each other in tending to their growth."

"And what about your own vineyard?" Atobe asked. "Who's in charge while your here?"

Xander shrugged. "Richard, of course!"

Tezuka caught sight of a dark-haired figure moving about that fenced-off portion of the farm. the instant that he caught glimpse of that ebony locks, his heart tripled over. He suddenly grabbed Atobe's arm, causing the rest of his lovers to stop as well.

"Mitsu?" Atobe aksed, wincing as the bespectacled man's hand tightened around his. He followed his line of vision and saw Xander broke into a run, approaching the person beyond the fence.

"Ryoma!!"

will

Ryoma spun around at the sound of his name only to be tackled by an over-excited redhead. The next thing he knew was he was being attacked by a white cloth.

"You really shouldn't let the sweat dry off you. You'll get sick." Xander's voice came to his ear despite the ruckus.

"Easy!"

will

Fuji paled when the name reached his ears. 'N-no...no...' He took a tentative step closer to the fence and saw the redhead fuzzed over the man with a towel. 'This couldn't be right.' He shook his head.

"Oh god..." Atobe gasped. A different set of trembling arms held him and Fuji and slowly guided them towards the two. "N-no...G-Gen..."

"Shhh..." Came a hoarse voice. "W-we could be wrong." They watched in horror as Xander turned towards them and threw the towel away, revealing an annoyed-looking, Ryoma in all his tanned glory.

"N-no..."

"Keigo! Come!!"

will

Ryoma's eyes darted around upon hearing his ex-lover's name. It was like the whole world around him started spinning and the only thing rooting him back to the ground was the solid arms of Xander around him. He felt sick...he wanted to puke.

"Don't be scared Keigo. Just don't step on the seedlings ok?"

'That name again.' Ryoma blinked a couple of times, trying to regain his focus. The name created a whiplash in his chest. He looked up, confusion evident in his eyes. Through the haze in his mind he was able to make out four faces...

Four faces that seemed so familiar yet felt a tad too vague for him.

For that very moment...he forgot to breathe.

Xander sighed, seeing as to how his cousin and his lovers were rooted on the spot. He tightened his arm around Ryoma and urged him to start walking. "Come Ryoma. I want you to meet my cousin and his lovers."

Ryoma felt like dead as his feet started moving. 'Cousin and his lovers...' He forced himself to muster the best facade he could ever build in his entire life. He made his arm wound around Xander's waist, holding onto him tight.

Xander eyed Ryoma. He looked really pale and disoriented. He looked back at his cousin. They looked the same. Now his curiosity has reached its peak. 'Now what the bloody hell is going on?'

will

The four watched in horror as Ryoma and Xander started approaching them. The courage they had started to falter. Amidst the chaotic beating of hearts, erratic breathing pattern, they found themselves taking a step back.

"If this is a dream please someone wake me up now." Atobe breathed out, lips trembling. He would feel his eyes growing warm as the man that they longed for the most was only a few feet away...in the arms of another.

In the arms of his beloved cousin...just to compound his torment.

Then pain came...it snatched him away from his daze. he glanced down on his arm, Fuji's nails dug into his skin, cutting...hurting. He glanced at the tensai...bad. Fuji has his eyes wide opened and a mixture of negative emotions was swirling in those sapphire orbs.

"Get a hold of yourselves." Tezuka's hushed whispered rang inside their ears.

Alas, the couple stopped in front of them, Xander in all smiles. Ryoma however maintained a stoic expression...his golden orbs blank.

"Guys...you look like you just came across a ghost or something." Xander muttered, his smile morphing into a frown.

They stared at each other for a while; Ryoma and his ex-lovers. The much fated reunion happened in a very unfavorable time. He tightened his grip on Xander's waist. The redhead would probably be hurting right now but he couldn't help it. He needed something to keep him ground. His eyes were glued on four other pairs...obsidian...sapphire...hazel...chestnut. He felt like he was drowning in those orbs.

Xander, torn from the confusion and pain, tried to think of something to break the ice--or rather the iceberg that suddenly crystallized among them...freezing them...engaging them in a fierce internal battle.

_"Why? Do you know them personally?"_

_Tezuka caught Fuji's warning glance. "His youngest son was a kohai of ours in junior high and his former coach was our coach." _

His eyes widened upon realizing what he has forgotten. "Oh I get it!!" He clapped his hands. The sound of two flesh colliding broke the spell. "You're Ryoma's senpais, correct?"

Ryoma broke off from the fierce eye contact he had established with his ex-lovers. 'Ex-lovers...remember that Ryoma...never forget.' He forced out a smile before he looked up to his boyfriend. 'Remember Xander...remember your present...'

"Correct." Ryoma glanced back at his still-perturbed visitors. "They are indeed my senpai-tachi." His eyes lingered on the dazed orbs before him, not quite understanding why betrayal seemed to shimmer in them. 'What do they want from me now? Another round of retribution?' He felt his throat tightening. 'Would they want to slap their perfect relationship to my face?'

His eyes slightly widened in shock when he saw the adamant sadness in their eyes, especially Atobe's. 'It was his eyes that condemned me the most...why show me this kind weakness now?'

"W-what brings you here to Glasgow?"

will

Atobe fought back hard to suppress the cry the rose from his heart. The struggle pained him. He moved to clasp a hand over his mouth, shutting everything. His eyes darted around in panic...from Xander's confused face, to Ryoma's black expression.

He bit the flesh of his hard to tame down the roar in his chest. 'God! Is this t-the kind of punishment you want to bestow upon me?' His other hand clenched into a fist. 'Ryoma...and my cousin of all people!!'

He closed his eyes, unable to bear the weight of Ryoma's gaze. 'Why the two people I cherish the most?'

will

Tezuka struggled hard to keep his facade intact...however he did not have that much resolve left. It was their Ryoma...their beloved, hurting Ryoma who turned out to be Xander's lover.

'Xander...' Hazel eyes shifted to focus on steely-blue ones. He studied the redhead thoroughly, trying to understand what the raven-haired man found in him. He clenched his fists tight. There was an unexplainable anger that coursed down his veins.

"Were we too late?"

will

Sanada's eyes darted to stare at Tezuka. Yes, the man just whispered it, however that very whisper morphed into a shout.

"Too late? For what?" Xander asked curiously.

Sanada watched at how Ryoma's arm around his waist tightened. 'So it's affecting him like it is affecting us.' He took a deep breath, amazed at how hard it was to take one.

"He said we're too late. We were hoping t-to comfort our kohai. we're he's seniors anyway but he seemed...' He paused to find the right term. '..._comforted_ already."

Somehow, that didn't turn out right since he saw how Ryoma's look darkened. He felt cold sweat trickled down his nape. 'Whatever I'm to say will not make sense anyway.' He closed his eyes, feeling those golden orbs burying into his flesh like hot steel.

'He's not the same. He's changed'

will

Fuji inwardly winced when he saw Ryoma's look darkened at Sanada's statement. As much as he want to hurt him for breaking his heart once more...he couldn't bring himself to mount such emotion. He felt hollowed out inside...empty.

'I'm going to close my eyes...I'm going to pretend that this is not happening. This is merely a dream...a dream and nothing else.' And close his eyes he did. He reveled at the dark comfort it gave him.

"So you came here..." Ryoma voice drawled into his dark space. "...to comfort me? H-how touching."

Fuji snapped his eyes open. Simple words lashed like whip in his flesh. The pain was evident. The resentment was palpable…the pain became the main evidence of reality. "Ryo-Echizen." Angry sapphire orbs met flaxen ones.

"See? Can't even say my name properly."

will

'I think I'm gonna be sick.' Ryoma swallowed hard, trying hard not to falter under the tensai's smoldering gaze. Everything soon came back to him; the sound of flesh hitting flesh, the anger blazing in their eyes, the words said so easily.

"Ryoma? Is something wrong?" He suddenly felt something warm on his cold clammy hand that was digging into something.

Ryoma blinked once. 'Who am I holding again? Why am I holding onto him again?' He forced his self to look up only to be smoldered by worry-filled ice-blue eyes. "X-Xander?" Those eyes seemed to smile upon the mention of the name.

"You seem faint Ryoma...let's head back ok?" Then he felt he was being enfolded into a tight, familiar embrace. Ryoma inhaled deeply Xander's scent...and found it rather calming. He relaxed under its gentle weight.

"Ok...let's head back."

will

A sleek, black Porsche Carrera GT skidded into a halt in front of the white villa. Two raven-haired individual stepped out of the expensive vehicle.

"Hmmm...no welcome? How odd." The man grumbled in his baritone voice.

"Maybe they're busy doing something." The woman replied. The man sighed and went to get their luggage out of the car compartment.

"Oh well, might as well let ourselves in." Ryoga smiled deviously at Nanako. He stretched out an arm, gesturing to the door of the villa.

"Welcome to our humble abode."

will

All six of them walked back to the villa in silence, with Ryoma and Xander leading the way. The four were haplessly trailing behind the two. Morose was almost palpable.

'I showed them around the orchard and they're pretty impressed." Xander broke the quietude. He had his fingers laced with the golden-eyed man. He squeezed is gently. "Right Keigo?"

Atobe stopped dead at first before he almost stumbled to keep up with them. "Y-yes. Ore-sama found the place acceptable." He watched carefully as Ryoma moved his free hand to slide inside his work suit's pocket.

"Acceptable? Wow...whatever have I done to earn such compliments, Atobe-sanpai?" Ryoma drawled out, putting as much sarcasm he could muster into his words.

"I'm gland you find me acceptable for your beloved cousin."

willwillwill

A/N: I will cut it short right here because I still have a faculty evaluation to attend to. Today is the last day of our summer class, and also my last day in the Emergency Room. True that I love the Operating room but can't deny the fact that life is indeed in the Emergency Room. Having your body kick into alarm stage of Stress every time a bloodied drunkard, or a burnt lineman or someone having a cardiac arrest is wheeled in is very exhausting by the end of the day.

And I love it.

And yes I'm too exhausted to really polish this one. I'm just so afraid I couldn't post it in time. Gomen everybody!

But if you still want more...

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!


	12. electricuted

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

willwillwill

Ryoma wondered where he got all the self-restraint. He knew that he was always the impulsive one in the family. 'It all went down the drain I guess.' He mused as he pushed the white fences open. He could sense the frustrated desire radiating from the four zombies following them.

He stole a shy glance back and sighed. 'Thank god that Xander's gullible enough.'

"This may have been a bit rushed but we organized a luncheon." Xander told him. Ryoma followed his gaze and saw that the garden was indeed dressed for an occasion. "This is a good way to form bonds isn't it, Keigo?"

"Ahh." The once-arrogant diva was reduced to a Tezuka-like speech.

Ryoma sighed. "Well I can sense that this is going to be fun." He caressed the chairs before he turned to his ex-lovers. "Take a seat, my beloved senpai-tachi." A fake smile was plastered on his lips. "Now let me freshen—"

"What the fuck—?!"

That exclamation made everyone jump or flinch. They turned towards the terrace where two raven-haired individuals stood.

"Ryoga-sama!!" Suzu and Hugo gasped upon the sight of the enraged looking man. Beside him was a raven-haired woman was looked equally perturbed.

Ryoma's eyes immediately darted towards his brother before everything goes out of hand.

"My, you never fail to surprise me, _Onii-chan_." Flaxen orbs almost blazed with angry and his voice, though soft, seemed to be full of venom.

"Welcome back."

will

Ryoga was snatched away from his initial shock by the murderous look on his younger brother's eyes. He felt his knees shook a little bit as he tried to retaliate such gaze.

'The last time he looked at me that way was when he was convincing me to go pro.' he shuddered at the memory. 'There wasn't much that I can do. His eyes can fry a person alive.'

He glanced at Nanako who was staring the scene with amusement. He watched his cousin lean on the terrace and smile at the occupants of the garden.

"It's a surprise to see you all here." Nanako said. She caught sight of Ryoma's death glare which was increasing in intensity. "Calm down Ryoma. The years have sharpened your glare. The blades are almost palpable."

will

Sensing that Nanako was having too much fun herself, Ryoma mentally prepared himself for the onslaught.

"Be polite and come down here." He hissed. "We have _guests_." He turned back to look at his ex-lovers. "I want you two to make them...hmmm..." He tapped a finger on his chin. "..._comfortable_."

Ryoma smirked at his ex-lovers. "Would that be ok, Tezuka-buchou?" His eyes sought out the stern hazel eyes but all he found was apparent sadness.

...so not what he wanted to see.

"Of course it will be alright!" It was Xander's voice which resounded. Ryoma sighed and turned to his brother who was still frozen in position.

"I don't have all day, Onii-chan" He watched as Nanako gently stirred to still-shocked man. He was about to take a step towards the house when he felt a light tap on his shoulders.

"What is it Xander?"

Xander smiled at him. "You still haven't greeted them, European style." Silvery-blue eyes sparkled in delight.

"What?!" It wasn't only his voice which echoed in the air. Ryoma met four wide eyes.

Xander shrugged. "It's a custom."

will

Fuji watched avidly as Ryoma's lips curved down into a frown. Despite the animosity looming in the air, the scene quite amused him.

"What is this...European style of greetings?" He asked. He smiled at little when Ryoma huffed.

"Like this."

will

For the second time that day, Ryoga froze on his tracks seeing his younger brother held Fuji's face with his hands and gave each cheek a kiss.

'This is Hell freezing over.' He continued to gape like an idiot as Ryoma gave each one of his ex-lovers kisses on the cheeks.

will

"Now, now I know you might be shocked but this is custom." Xander beamed at them, watching their flushing faces.

"It's just a kiss."

Atobe's eyes snapped to his cousin. "Just a kiss?" He didn't mean for the venom to seep into his words. 'It's a kiss from our former lover who is now your lover and you call it "just a kiss"?' He flexed his fingers, trying to relieve the tension.

Ryoma saw the suppressed anger by mere looking into Atobe's eyes. If he wants to avoid a catastrophe, he better move now.

"Well yeah." Ryoma went back to Xander. "It is just a kiss Atobe-senpai. Nothing to fuss over ne?" He reached out to caress Xander's perfect face with his fingers. His gaze however stayed on the murderous faces before them.

Xander's forehead creased in confusion was he watched his cousin's face from angry to murderous.

"Why are you mad, Keigo?"

"I'm going to freshen up." Ryoma announced, clearly wanting to get Xander's attention back. "Xander, let's go." He then turned his back on them.

Xander, given the opportunity to spend time with Ryoma once more, forgot that he asked and giddily followed him into the house. They left mayhem for Ryoga to face later.

Ryoma, on the other hand, was very glad that he was able to stir Xander away. 'He doesn't need to know...he doesn't have to know.' He kept telling himself. He looked up and saw Ryoga just staring at him. Ryoma took a deep breath and gently brushed past him...but did not forget to whisper something and only Ryoga could hear.

Smirking to himself, he ran up the stairs, trusting that Xander would follow. Xander always follows.

will

The moment that the golden-eyed man and the redhead entered the house, Tezuka was unable to control his self and collapsed on one of the chairs. The rest copied him.

'Everything's so fucked up!' He took off his glasses.

"You think we made a mistake coming here?" He groaned. He kept his eyes cast down on the pristine white mantel piece. "Clearly he looked like he already—"

The sound of a fist hitting wood cut him off. He looked up and saw Sanada gritting his teeth, his fist still on contact with the table.

"Gen..."

"Let's go home."

"No." Came a snapped reply. They turned towards Fuji who was staring at them with angry blue eyes. "We're not going home without—"

"The nerve of you to actually show your face here." They looked up and saw Ryoga, standing a few feet away from them.

"Calm down Ryoga." Came Nanako who held her cousin back. "There must be an explanation for this."

Ryoga glared at Nanako. "An explanation? Oohh I would love to hear one." He then turned to Fuji and the others.

"Tell me why you're trying to ruin his life again."

will

Ryoma rested his head on the tiled wall as the icy cold droplets of water from the shower rained on his back.

"Damn it...damn it...damn it..." He chanted as he pounded the concrete with his fist. Anger...resentment...he closed his eyes, not realizing that tears were escaping down his face, mixing with the water.

...jealousy...yearning...the years haven't dulled his desires for those men.

'I kissed them. God their scents almost drowned me...turning me into a drunk.' Ryoma bit his lip as the cascading water on his skin felt like needles. He grasped harshly unto his arms, nails raking the flawless skin.

"Why? Why is everything coming back now?"

will

"Excuse me Ryoga but we are not here to ruin anyone's life." Sanada glared at the older Echizen. "We just—if we could—"

Ryoga strode towards the garden, ignoring the presence of the butlers. "Could what?!" He could barely remember what Ryoma had muttered to him early.

_"Control your temper Ryoga. The luxury of revenge is not yours to extract but mine." _

Fuji sighed. "We told you already. We want to fix what was to recklessly destroyed two years ago."

Nanako slipped into one of the chairs. "Don't you think you're a tad too late for that? From what I have observed, Ryoma and Xander seemed to be involved."

Ryoga clenched and unclenched his fists. 'So that idiot hooked up with Alex...what was he thinking?!'

"During the funeral I had asked you whether you still expect him to be the person that he was before. And like I've said before, you're expecting too much from him."

"Now are you expecting that he dropped everything in his life now to follow you around once more?!"

The tension was escalating dangerously and there's no one to control it. Amidst the heat of arguments, two individuals slipped from the banquet and into the orchard.

will

Xander's snapped into the direction where the voice was heard. 'They're quarreling?" He stood up to walk towards the window when Ryoma reappeared from the bathroom, tying a towel around his waist. Had he been an uneducated man, he'd be drooling by now.

"What's going on?" A curious brow arched up.

Xander tore his gaze from the sculpted body before him and swallowed hard. "I-I heard someone shouting." He turned back to Ryoma but the latter had disappeared behind the folding tatami divider. He frowned. "I think it's a bad idea that I brought my cousin and his lovers here."

He took tentative steps towards the divider. "You seem to harbor animosity towards them. Is there something that I need to know?" He took a step back when the divider was roughly draw side wards, revealed a sexy Ryoma dressed only in loose drawstring pants.

He eyed the sculpted muscles before him, the almost golden skin, the wet ebony locks that clung to the perfect face. Flaxen orbs gazed at him almost lazily.

"Something? There's no something Xander." Ryoma slightly purred as he slowly approached the redhead.

"Uhh...Ryoma what are y-you doing?" Xander swallowed hard as he back away from his boyfriend, only for the back of his leg to hit the edge of the bed. "W-we have guests waiting for us." He could feel the heat rising to his cheeks.

Ryoma smirked. He knew he'd have this kind of effect on the man. 'He needs to be distracted enough.' He mused as he pushed the redhead to tumble on the bed.

"We have time."

will

Atobe has had enough. He banged his fist on the table. "Stop it! It's hard enough as it is!" His obsidian eyes flared in anger. "Do you know how...devastating it is to know that the very man which haunted my dreams every night for two years turned out to be the man which beguiled my own cousin?!"

"Beguiled?" Ryoga spat. "You think Ryoma did this just to spite you?" He closed his eyes, trying to rack his brain for answers. 'I, myself, don't even know why he took such a risky step. But no...Ryoma wouldn't do that to Xander. He wouldn't use the man just to—.'

"How do you suppose I should put it?!" Atobe tried very hard to keep his voice down but somehow he found himself failing. He felt a warm hand on his arm but he ignored it.

Fuji stood up and held Atobe warningly on the shoulders. "Give us more reason to think otherwise." Sapphire orbs held firmly under the burning flaxen ones. "Don't tell he had no idea who Alexander was from the very start."

Ryoga shook his head in disbelief. "You call this correcting the past?" He eyed every one of them intensely. "You're judging him again...just like what you did two years ago." He could feel his blood boiling.

"My brother was raped and yet you threw him away!" He managed to make the four of them flinch.

"He let go of a very bright future for he couldn't fathom staring at the other side of the court because he sees you there!" He was about to launch himself at them but Nanako held him back. "My parents never got to see their dreams fulfilled for their beloved son. My brother was much too scared to show his face to you that he even stomached not seeing his parents for the last time!"

"The nerve of you to show up here and accuse my brother of using your cousin to get back at you!"

will

Xander had to force himself from Ryoma's embrace when he heard Ryoga's outcry once more.

"Really Ryoma, we have to go and check what's happening." Xander said worriedly but his eyes were riveted at the plump, inviting lips of the very much debauched lover beneath him.

"Seriously Xander?" Ryoma reached out and caressed Xander's flushed face. "You still gave a damn of what's happening outside when you have me, nearly naked underneath you?" He managed to make him blush harder.

"B-but...but..." Xander tried to refocus to the situation at hand. He gasped when Ryoma suddenly switched their position.

Ryoma leaned down and nuzzled his fair, smooth swan neck. "You're still thinking. Maybe I'm not doing to it right." He muttered into the redhead's ear, making him whimper.

"Think of me...and only me."

will

"If you're planning to destroy whatever beautiful thing that he has now, I suggest that you leave immediately." Ryoga muttered under his breath. "I will not let you hurt Ryoma again."

It was Fuji who stood up to his challenge. "I do apologize Echizen-kun but we are not leaving...not until we have cleared things out." He took in a deep breath. "If his feelings for Xander are true, we will leave with our loses but if I...we...feel that there is still something left for us to fight for, we will fight for it."

"All is fair in love and in war." He turned his gaze towards his lovers...lastly to Atobe. "I know how much you love your cousin Keigo but this is not about you only, nor him. This is about all of us. It is not only you who loves Ryoma."

"I apologize but I will do everything that I can to get him back if a chance is given...and I do not care who gets trampled along the way."

will

Richard had been staring at Yosuke for quite a white now. Being good butlers as they are, they left since it wasn't their matter to discuss.

But that didn't stop him from listening.

"Correct me if I'm wrong Yosuke-san but was Echizen Ryoma involved with your masters before?" Steel grey eyes narrowed.

Yosuke nodded. "Young Master Ryoma was once their lover. A tragedy happened two years ago and he was forced to leave." His once-calm hazel eyes gleamed in malice when he saw the obvious anger in Richard's steely orbs.

Richard brought his hands behind him. "I do not know your real motive as to why you came here and I do not wish Master Keigo ill." He turned around, not wanting to let the Japanese butler to see the murderous gleam in his eyes.

"However, I will do everything that I can to protect my master's interests...even if it means that I would have to make your young masters a little upset."

Yosuke stiffened at the obvious threat on his masters' welfare. "Well of course it is normal that you look to your master's welfare." His eyes narrowed almost into slits.

"You'd have to remember though that I will do the same for the sake of my young masters."

willwill

Ryoma collapsed on top of Xander after that mind-blowing quickie. His ass may be aching terribly but it sated the hunger in his heart.

"That was..." Ryoma panted. A hand came up and caressed his face.

"...amazing." Xander breathed as he pulled Ryoma up and kissed him thoroughly again. "Simply amazing." Their bodies were sleek with sweat and passion as they moved skin to skin.

Ryoma pulled back and smirked. "Damn Hawthorne now I need another shower." A hearty chuckle was his reply.

"Then let's shower together." Xander grinned deviously at him. "It'll save a lot of hot water."

"Being environmental are we?" Ryoma chuckled as he pulled the redhead up.

"No...just being romantic." Xander replied as he watched his lover limp towards the bathroom.

willwill

They finally started the luncheon with Ryoga out of sight. Though a tad uncomfortable, Ryoma held his self proudly in a white shirt. By the murderous looks on his ex-lovers' eyes, he knew that they could see the hickeys on his neck.

"So...where did my impetuous older brother went off now?" He asked as Suzu started serving their main course.

No one answered for a while until Nanako cleared her throat. "He—he wanted to feel the dirt road again, he said. He'll be back before the luncheon is over."

"Ahh..." Ryoma gazed into Tezuka's eyes again and challenged him into a staring contest.

"Mada mada dane."

willwillwill

A/N: Evil, evil, evil me! Damn it! Honestly guys I'm losing my focus for this story. I'm really scared that it'll end up just like "Forgotten Heroes". OMG no!! I'm sick again...that's why I wasn't able to update promptly. I'm starting to notice that I get sick every after "trip" I took. So this means no vacation trips for Ria-chan?! Oh lo!!

I'm going as fast as I can...so as keep in touch with the plot that's trying to escape my memory engrams. Damn you will really hate me for this...for hurting Ryoma, the OT5, and Xander... the Xander thing will be most unforgivable. hehehehehe

I decided not to put explicit smut...want to keep it at T...or is you want smut then tell me ok? I don't think it'll hurt having an M rating.

So if you want more...

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!


	13. turmoil

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

A/N: Ahhh...the hatred is palpable. I love it!! And I have noticed that some are almost leaning to the RyoXander side...but sorry guys. This will be an OT5 fic by hook or by crook...and I'm willing to reel in Xander's heart and puncture it for your entertainment ! kidding!

willwillwill

Ryoga gritted his teeth, too much that any more and he would be replacing a few molars. He parked his car just outside Xander's vineyard. He had been sitting there for quite a while, noting that the so-called "lunch" would be commencing by now.

'This is some tight shit-hole Ryoma wormed his self into.' He let out a frustrated sigh. He glued his eyes to the healthy-looking grapevines to which produce the Famous "Hawthorne Effect" in every sip of its decadent liquid.

_"The Hawthorne effect, mind you Ryoga is not about the alteration of a seemingly candid action upon learning that you are being observed." Xander drawled in a professor-like manner as he "educated", or tried to educate Ryoga into the ins and outs of the wine business. _

_"It is the feeling after you've taken a sip...that glorious, almost saintly slide of wine down your esophagus that makes you feel—"_

_"Cut the crap Alex." Ryoga snapped. "I'm going to be an investor...no need to entice me with the crappy advertisements ok? I'm more than convinced already."_

"Oh how I wanted that Hawthorne Effect right now." Ryoga's head collided rather roughly on the headrest. 'My baby brother is going for it head on... his ex-lovers decided to join this carnage of a love story...'

He closed his eyes. "And my clueless, love-struck friend will be caught in the middle. Couldn't things get more out of hand?"

And as if the heavens wanted to taunt him for the rest of the day, his phone rang...with Yukimura Seiichi's name flashing on the screen.

"Damn it."

willwill

The lunch was over and yet Ryoga did not show up. Ryoma had to face the exhausting and tedious job of balancing his aggrieved ex-lovers, an ecstatic cousin and an annoyingly cheerful lover.

"I do apologize for my brother's rudeness." Ryoma took a sip from his wine glass. Xander insisted that they try his new concoction. "I do believe he's a bit thrown off by this...visit."

Fuji discretely glared at him. "And you're not?" Later during lunch, he discovered that it's pretty easy to go about Xander...give him time to obsess enough and he'll be blind to anything else.

Ryoma swallowed hard as he caught glance of his ex-lovers' eyes. "I can say I was a bit rattled by the sudden appearances." He sighed as Xander continued to nuzzle into his neck. he couldn't imagine that it was Fuji who actually told Xander to cuddle up to the golden-eyed kitten...showing Ryoma that not only he could play the Xander card.

Ryoma couldn't suppress a smirk. 'Ahh...I know two can tango but five? I wonder what kind of _carambola_ it will result to.' He wormed his arms around the snuggling redhead's waist. "But I'm fine."

Atobe forced the bile down back to his gallbladder. Ryoma's simply playing down-right dirty...with him nonetheless. "Yes...I can see how _fine_ you seemed to be." He bit back his tongue, not wanting to drag his love-struck cousin and actually slap the bitterness of reality to his face.

"Was Xander able enough to handle you?"

"Aherm!"

They all jerked and turned to Richard. "Nothing Ryoma-san. Please, do continue." A small devious smile that only Fuji was able to catch.

"Keigo, why are you verbally jousting with my lover?" But it worked. it rooted back Xander into Earth. "And I heard your last question." He pouted in indignation. he turned to Ryoma and tipped the golden-eyed man's chin up to look into his eyes.

"Tell them Ryoma."

Ryoma smiled almost bitterly as he tipped his head to plant a soft kiss on Xander's lips...much to their audience's distaste. "Why of course."

Then again, a vindictive Ryoma was never a good for their health. Even the sulking Sanada and Tezuka felt like ripping him into shreds.

"Quite done annoying people Ryoma?" Came Nanako's query after a long silence. "You do love to renew old wounds don't you?"

Now it was Ryoma's turn to glare at his cousin as Xander stared at her in confusion.

"Oops." Nanako playfully cover his mouth with her hands. "My bad."

willwill

Emotionally and mentally tired from the mind games Ryoma had been baiting them for over an hour, Atobe finally pulled his cousin aside and asked to be returned to sanctuary.

"What's the problem Keigo?" Xander gasped. "Are you sick?"

Atobe swatted his cousin's hand on his forehead. "No." He sighed and stole a longing glance at the raven-haired man who was busy with his staring match with Sanada this time. "But I'm well on the way on a migraine trip to hell."

Xander sighed deeply. He could sense the fatigue radiating from the man's pores. As to what caused it...he's totally clueless.

"Keigo."

Obsidian orbs met with icy-blue ones. " What is it?"

"Thank you."

Now Atobe's curious. He forced his brain to get back into consciousness. "Whatever for?"

Xander shrugged. He cast a glance at his lover. "I can sense and you and my paramour seemed to be going against each other's throats. I may look dazed all the time but I can sense it Keigo." He smiled bitterly as he toed the earth beneath him. "I can very much feel everything around me...even though I'm mostly kept in the dark."

Atobe blinked a couple of times. 'Does he—does he suspect something?' He forced his throat to loosen up so that he could speak. "Sense what, Xander?"

Xander shivered at the lost...haunting voice of his cousin. He gently tucked a stray red lock behind his ear. "The frustration. The repressed anger." He forced his self to look into Atobe's eyes once more. "Is it the rivalry in tennis? Or something else? No…you don't need to answer that." His smile was full of bitterness once more.

"I know when I'm not supposed to meddle into other's business. It's not like I can force it out of Ryoma."

'Oh Xander!' Atobe bit back his tongue. 'If you only knew! This is so cruel!' He forced in air into his chest to keep him from into a dizzy pulp. "H-he's your lover Xander. You have every right to know all about him." He bit hard on his inner cheek.

Xander chuckled. "If you only knew him as I have Keigo. Ryoma's not someone who'll wear his emotions up his sleeves." He hugged himself as the afternoon breeze suddenly felt icy cold on his skin. "It must've been the result of his past experiences. I mean, an unsuccessful relationship, forgotten dreams and parental deaths took its toll on him." His eyes were cast down on the ground so he didn't saw how Atobe flinched at the "unsuccessful relationship" part.

"But I'm thankful that you did this...mostly for my sake. You still came to acknowledge him and it made me very happy." Xander looked back to his cousin and smiled...genuinely this time.

"I want to protect him Keigo...against whatever it is that is keeping him from being happy. I want to make him smile once more...not smirk or sneer but really smile this time. I want to make him laugh, sans the cynical flavor in it. I want to see him play the game he loved dearly, not because someone expects him to win but because he's enjoying it. I want to look into his eyes someday and see that fiery in his eyes again that the pictures had once captured."

"And I'd die ecstatic knowing that it was me who made him do all that."

willwill

Ryoga drove back to the villa and was surprised to realize that their guests have left. He parked his car and jumped out of it. He ran into the house only to find Ryoma sitting by the veranda, holding a glass of whisky while staring off to the blue afternoon sky. He planned for a surprise attack but he stopped death on his track when he saw a tear trailed down his face.

"So they left already huh?"

Ryoma jolted, nearly dropping the glass he was holding. He twisted his trunk only to realize Ryoma was already hovering over him. "Ah I see you're back already." He hastily wiped his tears away. "Had fun on the dirt road?"

Ryoga sighed and snatched the glass from his younger brother's hand to drain its contents.

"H-hey!"

Ryoga gasped as he placed back the glass on the coffee table. He kept his eyes glued on the orange trees before him for a while, savoring the gentle burn of whisky sliding down his throat.

"You look pathetic Ryoma."

He closed his eyes and waited from a retort but none came. He opened his eyes again only to see how Ryoma's face slackened. Seeing him now reminded him of how he looked like when he came to the villa two years ago; pale, fragile looking...almost angelic.

"I know." Ryoma kept his eyes cast down. He let out a snort when a treacherous tear escaped from his eyes. "Isn't it hilarious? My ex-lovers who threw me out two years ago came here only to find out that I'm not available anymore. What's worst is that the man I hooked up with turned out to be the cousin of one of them."

"Can something be more tragic than that?" Ryoma bit his lip to try to pacify the roaring pain in his heart. He rubbed his eyes hard, wanting to extinguish any tear trying to make an escape.

Ryoga cursed under his breath before he slumped down on a chair in front of him. "Tell me one thing..."

Ryoma looked up and met his brother's blank eyes. "Yeah?"

Ryoga let out a sigh of frustration. "Did you agree to be with Xander just because he's Atobe's cousin?" He held his breath, watching the stoic face of his younger brother.

'Why did I agree in the first place anyway?' Ryoma asked his self as he held Ryoga's gaze. 'What were my reasons?' Somehow, he found his self empty-handed for answers.

Ryoga clenched the arm rests of the chair hard that his knuckles turned white. "I want to know. Because if you did, you better stop now. Xander doesn't deserve to be used—"

"I kissed him first." Ryoma's voice was barely audible. "I didn't know what compelled me to use such method. I know I could've just covered his mouth with my hands or I could've just knocked him out completely but I bloody kissed him." Under Ryoga's scrutinizing gaze, he felt small and weak; and yet something was keeping him from breaking the eye contact.

"He's gullible and noisy. He's also whinny and a cry baby. Damn he has most of the traits I dislike in human beings but I just can't—I find myself unable to push him away anymore." His lips curved up into a sad smile.

"What's worse, I find myself yielding to him...opening my heart to him. Before I knew what was really happening, I've said the magic words."

Ryoga couldn't hold back a groan. He slumped back against the chair, his head thrown back. "But by the looks in your eyes, it is very obvious that you still feel something for your former lovers. I'm not blind or stupid Ryoma. I'll bet that even Richard could feel the desire radiating from you every time you happen to look at them."

Ryoma's looked down on his trembling hands dejectedly. "I-I don't know—"

"But you have to!" Ryoga snapped at him, his eyes ablaze in anger. "I know you're my brother but I'm not only responsible for you."

"You seemed to have forgotten that Xander is my friend too...and I cannot bear watch you or him get torn in this tug-of-war you created."

will

Sanada flopped down on the huge, huge bed that Xander graciously had prepared for them. They fell in an uneasy silence the whole ride back to the castle.

"So what's the game plan?" Came the dreaded question.

Atobe, who was shredding his garments, paused, a frown marring his rather perfect face. "What game plan?" His eyes darted who Fuji who was seated in front of the dresser, combing his hair. 'He's the mad genius who came up with this lion fight.' He mused sarcastically.

Fuji, sensing that he has three pairs of eyes boring holes into his skull, turned around and sighed. "I honestly don't know where and how to start." He laid the brush down gently. "But you can't blame me for blurting out those words. You all looked like you're willing to surrender him to Xander."

"What happened to fighting against all odds and abandoning everything for love?" Sapphire eyes gazed back accusingly to them.

Sanada sighed and cast his eyes on his hands. "They—I mean Ryoma and Alexander looked happy." He glanced at Keigo. "Are we really going to break them apart?"

"Unless we don't have anything let to fight for then we won't." For the first time since he became petrified during the luncheon, Tezuka's voice rang into the still tension-filled air. Their heads snapped into the direction when the stoic man lay against the elegant quilts.

Tezuka turned to them, a burning passion, very much akin to Fuji's earlier gleamed in his eyes. "I saw a reason to continue the fight. It is all in Ryoma's eyes."

Minutes elapsed in silence as they tried to comprehend the simple words the medical intern spoke of...and of the risks.

Atobe shook his head in disbelief. "This is insane. I-I just can't do something that w-will hurt Xander." He gazed to his lovers, confusion and hurt reflected in his obsidian orbs.

Fuji stood up abruptly. "So you're going to sacrifice your happiness in ex-change for a cousin that you have rarely seen in years?" A challenging tone colored his words.

"Syusuke!" Both Tezuka and Sanada took offense.

Atobe gaped at the tensai. This must be one of those moments where the frail-looking brunette reminds them of his ruthlessness...especially to the things he's possessive of: Ryoma included.

"You don't understand." Atobe swallowed hard. "Xander is weak. He's very vulnerable and he can't fight—"

"If you look back carefully Keigo, just before we left for Ryoma's villa, you're cousin had bluntly said that's not going to hand Ryoma over just like that." A dangerous aura...the one that he used to exceed when he's angry, started to radiate from him. And his eyes looked nowhere near diplomatic.

"He will fight for what he has Keigo. Are you telling me that you're just going to hand him over your one chance of complete happiness just because he's frail-looking?" He spun around. "I thought I knew you best Keigo. I thought you love him more than you love us." He soon realized that tears were freely flowing down his face, his body trembling.

"Where the hell is that love now?"

will

They sat there in silence, watching the ever changing clouds reign over them. Ryoma was unable to formulate a response to Ryoga's last statement so he succumbed to silence.

"Where's Nanako?" Ryoga's soft query cut like heated knife across the butter of silence.

Big, confused looking golden orbs looked to him. "She's sleeping. I told her that if she can't keep her tongue out of the dangerous race track, she better roll it back unless it gets trampled."

Ryoga shook his head. "Be nice to her ok? She practically packed everything and left Japan to look after you."

Ryoma snorted. "I'm not invalid Ryoga. Morose? Yes. Grieving? Absolutely." He took a deep breath. "But I can still fucking look after myself."

Ryoga studied Ryoma's profile for a while. Before their parents died, he seemed content to his life in the countryside. He's a bit stuffed. But looking at Ryoma now, it was very obvious that the past events caused him to lose a lot of weight. Then he recalled the phone call he received earlier.

"Ryoma...there is something that you need to know." He took a deep breath, preparing his self. " And I know you're going to bitch about it for quite a while and that it will add up to the emotional baggage you're already carrying—"

"Cut to the chase and spill it out already." Ryoma snapped at him. 'Ryoga's not the one who would dilly-dally.'

Ryoga cleared his throat. "Yuki-kun called in today. The French Open is fast approaching and his coach, Kirihara Akaya proposed a joint training."

For a moment Ryoma just stared at him. Surprisingly, his mind went blank.

"Ryoma?"

The younger one snapped out of his daze. "Wow…in the span of a few weeks my parents died, I got myself a boyfriend, my ex-lovers came to collect their spoils and now...the man who caused all these is going to be here too." A hollow, haunting laugh echoed into the air.

Ryoga gritted his teeth as he watched his brother laughed like a loony. "I don't know Ryoga. It's your sport. It's your decision."

"Ryoma..." He hissed out. He does not like this Ryoma. This side of his brother is too accepting yet very much bitter. "This is not a laughing matter."

Ryoma gasped for breath as his laughter died down. "I'm sorry Ryoga. It's just that—" He took a lungful of air. "It's very funny. It's like a Greek tragedy turned into a cheap American comedy movie." He wiped away the tears that were forming in his eyes. He leaned in and took the whiskey bottle itself and downed a lot...

"Ahhh..." Ryoma gasped as he slammed the bottle down on the table.

"Oi get it together!" Ryoga leaned in and pushed his younger brother back to rest against the chair. "Shit Ryoma!"

The latter's head was swarming with memories that he soon found himself laughing...and crying at the same time.

"I don't know Ryoga. You tell me..." The whiskey's probably acting now as everything in his sight started to spin. "How am I supposed to react?"

"I'm merely human damn it!" His chuckled suddenly turned to sobs. "A-are they staying over? B-because if they are, give me two weeks notice so I can build a camp outside—or maybe flee to another country."

"Ryoma..." His eyes darted to the living room. Empty. "SUZU!! I need help in here!!"

"And it still hurts!" Ryoma flailed his arms. "Oh god I'm sorry." He choked out. He raised his hands and shook his head. "It's ok that they stay here. I'm sorry. Just pick out a training ground far from here."

"I don't think you'd be sadistic enough to entice me with the sounds of a nirvana that I can never achieve."

will

Yosuke frowned. He knew that eaves-dropping is bad but he couldn't help but listen. After hearing everything, he slowly stepped away from the door.

"My young masters are far more wounded than I expected." He muttered to himself. "Now how in heavens should I start helping them fix that they broke?"

He cast one last look at the closed door. 'It'll be once hell of a ride...but I'll make sure that I will always be there to safeguard them...and the love that is binding them together.'

will

After making sure that his guests had settled into their room, Xander went straight to his study to review the reports from his winery. He was busy shuffling through the stack of papers on top of his table when he noticed a white envelop buried underneath it.

"Curious." He muttered. "Did Richard forget to hand this to me?" He took the envelope. "It's still unopened, meaning—"

Then he caught sight of the sender's name...his eyes widened in shock, his jaw dropped and his heart raced. With trembling fingers, he opened in. He took out the contents, eyes darting everywhere on the pristine sheet of papers as he took in the information.

"Oh no..." He gasped. He felt his strength was drained off his body as the papers he was clutching so tightly slipped from his grip and flew onto the floor.

Tears soon fell down his handsome face. "N-no..."

At the moment, a curt knock echoed inside the room and in came Richard. "Master Alexander the—" He stopped dead when he saw Xander quietly shedding his tears and the scattered paper on the floor.

The handsome redhead looked up to his trusted butler, more tears spilling from his ethereal icy blue eyes.

Richard locked the door behind him and picked up the paper closest to him and scanned it.

"Master Alexander, this is..."

Xander wiped off his tears. "Arrange for a flight to America that will leave a day after tomorrow. I-I don't know why this has happened. I thought everything is alright. Oh Richard!" He broke even before he could actually summon enough courage to keep his self from shattering.

Richard sighed. He eyed the paper. It read: "**Slow onset of decreasing RBC, Leukocytes and Cytokines. Conclusion: Initial onset of Aplastic anemia. Etiology: Thalassemia Major.**"

"Please forgive me for saying this Mater Alexander but the heavens are really bitching with us."

Xander stood up and braced his self on his table. "This should be kept from Ryoma understood? It's says there that it's early onset...meaning I still have time, a lot of time actually."

Richard studied his young master for a while. "Shall I inform Master Keigo then?"

Xander shook his head. "No. Keigo has done enough for me. I'll try solving this on my own."

willwillwill

A/N: Ahh the power of research! Shall I go on explaining then?

Aplastic Anemia: Failure of the bone marrow leading to insufficient production of peripheral blood elements due to primary defects in, or damage to, the stem cell or marrow microenvironment. Hypoplastic bone marrow leads to **anemia** (insufficient amount of healthy red blood cells), **leukemia** (block in the differentiation of cells in the hematopoietic cell line that results in the massive accumulation of immature, non-functional cells or blasts in the bone marrow or in the other organs) and **thrombocytopenia** (reduced platelets) collectively known as **pancytopenia**

Thalassemia Major: An autosomal recessive genetic disorder – inadequate normal Hb production; disrupts the synthesis of globin causing an imbalance in alpha and beta globin chains causing aggregation and precipitation that damages RBC membranes leading to intravascular hemolysis (rupture of red blood cells)

I was on a search for the ultimate bitch disease but you cannot come across much that doesn't alter physical beauty. :) The genesis of the disease shall be explained in the future chapters and as to why Keigo has "done enough" for Xander. If you want, you can research with me!! (Did you know that I had to scan my two 3-inch thick medical-surgical books and my digital notes for this? Bummer...the lengths I go through to entertain you people :P)

Anyway...Yukimura's flying to Glasgow and Xander is flying to America. Foresee anything? :P NOW YOU KNOW WHY THIS IS STILL AN OT5 FIC...

SO IF YOU WANT MORE,

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!


	14. at crossroads

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

A/N: Shall I kill Xander? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...let me think about it ok? XD

willwillwill

Unable to get any shut-eye, Xander busied himself with the necessary items that he needed to bring with him to America and those that he needed to hide from everyone.

"Ok let's see...past medical records, annual executive check ups, pervious laboratory results...what else?" He muttered as he stuffed everything into his suitcase. He closed his eyes and sighed.

'The changes in my blood work are slow. This means I have ample amount of time to reverse it.' He slumped back on his bed. 'My Thalassemia was cured yeas ago. My parents said that the bone marrow transplant was a sure thing.' He bit his lips.

"Damn birth defects." He muttered. He opened his eye and glanced at his bedside table, to Ryoma's picture. 'Just when things are getting brighter and brighter for me.'

willwillwill

It was like waking up to a nightmare...only relieving it in broad daylight. Tezuka forced his unwilling body to rise from the bed, knowing that it'll be another day of torment. He grudgingly took his glasses from the nightstand and put it on.

"Mitsu?"

Tezuka didn't move. He couldn't move. The weight of misery in his heart was causing his body to lag. 'Was there any scientific explanation to how such a purely psychological stressor could cause much damage to one's physical being?' he asked his self.

'This is one of those moments where I wonder why medicine and science couldn't probe deeper into the emotionality of a person.'

"Mitsu."

This time, his arm muscles twitched to acknowledge to one calling to him. "What is it?"

The bed shifted and a pair of warm limbs wound around his body. Tezuka willed his body to relax as he entwined his fingers with his captor's. "You're up early Syusuke." He muttered.

Fuji, who noticed or rather sensed Tezuka's tensed silence, buried his face into the nape of his neck. "The last time you emitted such morose aura was the morning after Ryoma took off two years ago."

"Really?" Sadness flashed in those hazel orbs. He took in a deep breath. "I didn't even notice."

Fuji placed a kiss on his neck. "Talk to me Mitsu. We all are suffering. We're almost falling apart. Share your pain with me."

Tezuka's lips curved up into a sad smile. "I was wondering how the physical body copes up with non-tangible stressors like heartache and such."

Fuji let out a light chuckle. "And what did you find out?"

Tezuka moved until he was the one holding Fuji inside his embrace. "Nothing. All those years studying the human body and its functions failed to explain why my body is reacting this way." He noticed that the remaining sleeping bodies next to them roused into wakefulness.

"This is one of those times when I curse science to being unable to comprehend everything."

There was a curt knock on the door.

"Keigo? Are you awake?" came Xander's voice from the other side of the door.

Tezuka glanced at Fuji before prodding at the diva. "Your cousin is asking for you." he muttered.

Atobe sat up, bleary-eyed. "Come in." He said while rubbing his eyes. The door gently opened and in came the redhead, looking like he endured a rather sleepless night.

"I'm sorry for bothering you so early in the morning—" Xander muttered as he watched Sanada sit up.

"It's ok Xander." Sanada told him, causing the redhead to smile shyly.

Xander composed his self as he tried to fight back the sleepiness that's finally trying to claim him after it so graciously evaded him last night. "I was just hoping if I could talk to you about the winery Keigo."

Sensing how tensed his cousin seemed to be, Atobe made a move to get out of bed. "Sure thing. Give me a minute or two and I'll be right back." He said before disappearing into the bathroom.

Xander let out a sigh of relief before he settled into one of the chairs by the window. "Did you sleep well last night?" The question was directed towards the three of them.

"Well it's rather understandable that we felt a bit...awkward. It is our first night here." Fuji made a move to get out of bed.

Xander nodded and turned his gaze past through the window. "I'll be fine here. You can tend to your morning rituals." The glassy look on his eyes made them feel uneasy.

"I'll be right here waiting."

will

Sweat dripped down his face and unto the soil beneath him. He woke up well before the first rays of the sun peeked past the clouds of the night. For some unknown reasons, he felt restless and the unexplainable burst of energy compelled him to continue working on his new garden.

_"But by the looks in your eyes, it is very obvious that you still feel something for your former lovers. I'm not blind or stupid Ryoma. I'll bet that even Richard could feel the desire radiating from you every time you happen to look at them." _

He collapsed on the ground, exhaustion finally claiming his body. He buried his heads between his outstretched hands that he propped on his bended knees. "D-damn Ryoga...how nice of you to slap the reality to my face."

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the dark comfort it gave him. 'Desire being present or not...I couldn't just go back. I simply can't walk right back into their welcoming arms after they so easily pushed me away.'

_"Yuki-kun called in today. The French Open is fast approaching and his coach, Kirihara Akaya proposed a joint training." _

He bit his lip hard. 'Seiichi is coming...to play tennis nonetheless. It's bad enough that I'm clashing against my former lovers behind my current lover's back, now him?' He threw his head back to stare into the bright horizon.

'Is there someone who is out to see to it that I get tormented every minute of my life? I don't deserve this! I only wanted to be happy.' He gave up and completely collapsed on the ground.

"My life sucks."

will

It took surprisingly fast for Atobe to finish up and go back to his awaiting cousin. He would usually take minutes to hours inside the bathroom.

"What is it that you would want to talk to me Xander?" He asked as he settled in front of his dazed cousin. A second later he heard his lovers coming out of the bathroom as well. "Would you prefer to talk in private or—"

Xander snapped back to reality. "No it's ok. It's nothing really personal. They can stay." He turned and smile at the three. Silence reigned inside the room as Tezuka and the others settled down.

Atobe's forehead furrowed at he studied Xander closely. His shoulder seemed tense. He kept on wringing his wrist. He kept on biting his lower lip. It's easy to conclude that something big was bothering him.

"Ok. What is this about?" Sanada's voice, although a whisper, seemed to bounce off against the walls.

"Well," Xander took a deep breath. "First I want to know how long will you be staying. I'm not being rude or something but I do know that you are quite the busy type of people."

All four of them eyed each other awkwardly. The duration of their stay was clearly not discussed clearly among them.

"Maybe a week or two." Fuji told him. "We just wanted to—"

"Oh great." Xander's relieved whisper caught him off guard.

"Great? Why?" Tezuka asked.

Xander looked straight to Atobe. "Nothing. I mean..." He took another lungful. "...it's great that you'd be staying for a while. There is actually a favor that I would like to ask mainly you, Keigo."

Atobe leaned in. "What is it? Anything Xander, as long as I find it within my power and ability, ask me anything."

Fuji's eyes narrowed just a bit however it was obvious enough to Tezuka's and Sanada's eyes to catch. 'Another sigh of relief. What the hell is going on?' He mused.

Xander toyed with his watched for a few seconds, trying to reorganize his scattered thoughts.

"Xander."

'I wonder if it'll be alright to leave Ryoma into Keigo's care for a day or two.' He mused as he stared off into space once more.

"Xander!"

His eyes blinked and refocused on the worried faces before him. "Oh I'm sorry. I wasn't able to get a shuteye so I'm probably spacing out." He chuckled. "Ok back to the topic." His eyes flicked nervously back to his cousin. "I would like you to look into the winery's financial status."

Now Atobe's curiosity needed to be fed. "Xander, are you is some kind of trouble—"

"No, no!" Xander shook his head vehemently. "I'm not in trouble or something. I just want your opinion regarding the business. I mean, who could best evaluate a business if not an Atobe?" He smiled at them.

Atobe sat back and crossed his arms. "Are you sure?"

Xander was out of wits to say. 'He can't, as in absolutely, cannot know about the letter or the check-up.' He took in a couple of lungful to gather his thoughts. "Ok actually Richard and I are flying to Boston this evening to meet with a possible clientele. There is a long-standing offer of importation of wine and I'm going to test the waters."

"Why now?" It was the first thing that came out of Tezuka's mouth.

"Well, the meeting was scheduled two weeks ago but I cancelled due to the deaths of Ryoma's parents. Ryoga was still out of town, training, and no one was really there to be with him throughout the ordeal." Xander wanted to bite his tongue but resigned to the fact that he was partly honest regarding the whole thing.

'I can never really leave Ryoma unless it's life and death situation...and NOW is a life and death situation.'

Sanada couldn't help but mentally scowl. 'He did so much for Ryoma...so much that he almost deserved him.'

"Ok, ok I get it." Atobe sighed. "I will look into this. How long will you be gone?"

"Oh thank you!" Xander beamed at him, breathing easily at last. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" He moved to embrace his cousin. "Two days...promise I'll be back in no time."

Atobe smiled as he hugged his cousin back. "Anything for you Xander."

"Oh while you're at it, can you look after Ryoma? He may look tough but he actually needs the human warmth."

willwill

Xander was long gone before they could move. The second part of the favor unnerved them. After the intense battle yesterday, although Xander knew nothing about it, they couldn't quite believe that Xander actually handed them the price that came for.

"Did he realize what he was offering us?" Sanada blurted out. An eerie chill filled the room as soon as the redhead almost skipped out.

"Of course he doesn't." Tezuka replied. "He knew nothing about our past with Ryoma and if he did, he wouldn't hand over Ryoma even for a few seconds."

Atobe sweat-dropped. The excited aura was almost caressing him and he knew by heart who was the one responsible for emitting it. "Syusuke..."

The tensai just smiled at them, closing his eyes. "Oh we'll look after him alright." His words had the usually sadistic twinge to it. The three of them shuddered as the brunette stood up and disappeared to the bathroom...

...humming cheerfully.

will

Richard ran after Xander who, after changing clothes, ran outside to get to his car. The redhead had forgotten about breakfast.

"Master Alexander!" He called out just as the redhead was getting inside his car.

"I have to hurry and tell Ryoma." Xander told him. "It'll take time and I need to hurry."

Richard reached his young master. He scanned his handsome face, noticing that the usual reddish glow in his face was rather absent. "You forgot to eat breakfast master Alexander. You know very well that you need to boost up your body to battle this—"

"I'll take breakfast at Ryoma's then!" Xander cut him off, scared that someone would hear their conversation.

"No!" Richard insisted. He shoved a brown paper bag at his young master. "You will bring this and you will eat breakfast on the road. I already called Suzu to prepare you a vegetable drink that you will take the moment you arrive there."

"But Richard!" Xander protested.

Richard loomed over him. He may only be a butler but he's still in-charged of the welfare of the master of the castle. "Do you want to get well soon or not?"

Xander saw the determination in those grey orbs. He knew he's being petulant right now but he just could ignore the urgency of his situation. Finally giving up under the stern glare, he lowered his gaze. "I do—"

"Then take care of yourself more!" Richard flicked hard on his forehead.

"Ouch!" Xander massaged the sore part, pouting at his butler.

"Now go." Richard smiled gently at him. "You will have hell of a time explaining to Ryoma-kun about your abrupt departure."

will

Soft blue eyes peered past the fleeting clouds. A trembling hand touched the small window reverently.

"Seiichi-san?"

Yukimura turned to face Kirihara who was seated next to him. "Do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, can't we just fly directly to France and train there?"

Kirihara glared at him. "You are going to train with one of the best there is Seiichi-san. As your coach, I am more than willing to give it another push if it will secure your success in the Roland Garros."

Yukimura smiled sadly. "Ryoga-san was very kind to have accepted this joint training. I mean he's risking a lot just to practice with someone like me."

Kirihara rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Stop belittling yourself. You climbed up the ranks from 150th to 38th in less than two years. 10th is not that far off from 38th."

The teal-haired man sighed and propped his chin on his hand. He cast his eyes once more at the clouds that vanished behind the plane's speed. 'Is this really ok with you, Ryoma?'

Kirihara studied his face for a while. The bruises that his friend refused to talk about already faded. 'Something else is bothering you Seiichi-san. You're actually scared of the reception that you will receive once you set foot in Echizen Ryoma's domain. Yes, what you did was unforgivable and yet he easily gave you mercy.'

'Beyond those spoken words lie the knives that severed your strong relationship. Forgiveness is easy...but complete absolution is a rare commodity.'

willwill

Xander went straight into the orchard after ingesting what Suzu called as "Elixir of Life". It was a bitter or rather acrid mixture of vegetables with a revolting smell that almost made him retch out the wonderful sandwich Richard made for him.

As he walked down the familiar path to the apple orchard, he was rehearsing or rather still choosing the appropriate method to be used in breathing the not-so-good news to his lover.

"Ok how about I go like this," Xander took a deep breath before flashing his certified swoon-inducing smile. "There's something that I need to tell you Ryoma-love." He shook his head. 'Too flashy and sappy. He never fell for that smile before why start now?'

Then something came to him. "I know! What if I snivel a bit? Ryoma's a sucker for cry babies." his triumphant smile soon disappeared. "No...he could see through me. Damn!" He scratched his head.

"Why do I have to be so transparent!?" He leaned against one of the bigger trees and sighed. "How should I tell him something that he might not like to hear?"

"Well, you could try getting directly to the point." The second voice made him jump and glare indignantly at the speaker.

Behind him stood Ryoma, all dirtied up and sexy as hell, with a sack of loam soil perched on one of his shoulders. "You know very much that I don't like beating about the bush."

"Ryoma—!" Xander brain turned blank when it registered that Ryoma was only not wearing a shirt.

The golden-eyed man shook his head and dropped his load on the ground. He wiped off the sweat beads on his face. "You were going to tell me something?" Ryoma asked before he stepped to Xander and tip-toed to place a soft kiss on his lips.

"Uhh...I-I..." Xander stammered, trying to jumpstart his neurons back to life. "I-I was g-going t-to—"

Ryoma sighed and playfully snapped his fingers. Xander blinked a couple of times before his eyes refocused on Ryoma. "You were saying?"

Xander shook his head, ridding his head of the pornographic images of Ryoma. "Sorry. I got distracted."

Ryoma smiled sheepishly. "That's the obvious truth isn't it?"

Xander chuckled a little before he realized that he still wasn't able to do what he came here for. "Uhh yeah...I came here to tell you that I will be gone for a day or two."

It was Ryoma's turn to have his brain shut down. "Wha-what?"

Xander sighed and took the towel that was tucked inside Ryoma's back pocket. He bit his lip as he started wiping the sweat off the supple skin before him. "I said I will be gone for a day or two. Ri-Richard and I will be flying to Boston tonight." He mentally counted for the days in his head.

"We'll be back thursday."

Ryoma felt his throat tighten. 'Two days?! That can't be! Not with Atobe and the others still here and Yukimura arriving tonight! Oh god!' His head was racing a mile a minute that he didn't notice that he was backing away from Xander, fear evident in his eyes.

"Ryoma? Are you ok?" Xander asked; worry etched on his face.

Ryoma shook his head. "Y-you can't go." He stammered. "You can't leave me here." he grinned nervously. "You're kidding right?"

Xander studied Ryoma for a while. 'Why such a negative reaction? What are you so afraid of?' He took a step closer to him. "I'm not kidding Ryoma."

"THEN TELL ME THE BLOODY REASON WHY!!"

Silence punctuated the outburst. Both Ryoma and Xander stood there, perturbed by how things are turning out.

will

Atobe glanced at Xander's empty seat worriedly. After the talk, he was nowhere to be found.

"Richard, where is Xander?" He asked. The rest of the occupants of the breakfast table froze. "I haven't seen him since this morning."

The silver-haired butler was frozen in mid-air as he was serving soup to Tezuka.

Fuji noticed the tenseness of the butler. "He'll come down for breakfast if he's hungry Keigo." He turned his attention back to his bread.

"He left for the Ryoma-san's villa, Master Keigo." Richard replied.

"Oh I see." Atobe drawled out absent-mindedly. He cast a worried glance at Yosuke but the latter just shrugged.

"So..." Richard stepped back. "My master must've have broken the news to you already regarding our departure tonight."

Tezuka looked up to him and nodded. "Yes. He came to us this morning."

Silence reigned amongst them as Richard tried to select the gentlest of words to say.

"There would be a favor that I would be asking of you, if you don't mind."

Atobe looked up from his soup. "What is it Richard?"

The silver-haired butler smiled at them. But something was off with his smile. It almost mimicked that of Fuji's when he's in the mood.

"I would appreciate it if you would stay away from Ryoma-kun for the duration of our absence." He made sure the he's able to see their withering expressions. "You should remind your selves that he is Master Alexander's lover...not yours anymore."

"You should know your boundaries." He stood there for a few seconds, savoring the impact of his words on them. From the corner of his eyes he could see Yosuke's turned from shocked to nasty.

"If there's nothing else that you need of me, I will take my leave and do one last inspection of the winery." He bowed. "Please enjoy your meal."

The echoes of his footsteps kept on bouncing back and forth inside their heads. Seconds ticked by slowly...as if waiting for the tension to reach its limit and explode.

"Why you—" Yosuke gritted his teeth and was about to follow him when Atobe grabbed his arm.

"Tell me Yosuke..." Atobe was still staring at Richard's vacant spot. "Does he know about Ryoma and us?"

will

The weather suddenly morphed from humid and sunny into windy and chilly. Neither of them moved since the outcry.

Xander cleared his throat. "There's nothing to be upset about Ryoma. It was the business deal that I put off because Papa Jiroh and Mama Rinko died. I will be back in no time." Something wild and vivid churned in his stomach.

"Nothing to be upset about?" Ryoma glared at him in disbelief. "You're leaving me! You're leaving me to fe—" He clamped his mouth shut before he uttered something that would surely make things worst.

Xander grabbed Ryoma's shoulders and shook him. "It's not like that Ryoma!" He was getting exasperated as well. "What are you so scared of?! It's not like something bad will happen while I'm away."

Ryoma stubbornly averted his eyes. 'I'm scared of being alone, trapped. With Xander gone...no one can protect me.' He closed his eyes tight, wanting to ward off the thoughts that were plaguing his head. 'I'm weak. I cannot defend myself. i can't—'

"Ryoma!" Xander shook him hard this time. 'What the hell is wrong on with you?!' He gave up trying shaking some sense into his head so he pulled him into a crushing embrace instead.

Ryoma opened his eyes. "Can't I just come with you?" His voice came to the redhead frail and cracked. "Please let me come with you." He held on to him tightly as he could.

Xander closed his eyes and buried his face into the ebony locks beneath him. 'I can't Ryoma. I couldn't fathom letting you know about what's happening to me.' He took a deep breath and returned Ryoma's fierce embrace.

"I'm sorry, love." Xander muttered. "You have so much in your hands already. Don't worry. I will only be gone in a blink."

Ryoma bit his lip hard, trying to suppress the tears that came to his eyes. 'Please Xander I'm begging you. You can't leave me here to face my demons all by myself. Please..." He buried his head into his chest. 'I don't know if I'm strong enough to fend off the desire...the longing...these damn emotions that kept on haunting me!'

Ryoma gave up and continued to hold on to the redhead. Alas...he was unable to air out his reasons as to why he was clinging to him like he's his only lifeline.

Xander gritted his teeth when he felt Ryoma's shoulders shook. He instantly knew that the raven-haired man was crying. 'I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry Ryoma. I want to stay. I want to find out what is causing you to act like this but if I don't leave, I'm not sure how long will I be able to hold you like this. I'm so scared of what I'm about to do and I want you to be there for me.'

His icy-blue eyes glassed over as tears claimed them as well. 'But I know that the knowledge of my illness would only add up to your agony. And I just couldn't do that to you...'

'I love you so much that I couldn't bear seeing you suffer more.'

willwillwill

The day passed on swiftly, leaving several individuals trapped in an endless swirl of confusion and frustration. Almost everyone was occupied with their miseries that they didn't notice the minutes slipped to hours.

"You call me if anything happens ok?" Xander cradled Ryoma face in his hands. The raven-haired man has stopped crying hours ago but hurt and betrayal were still evident in his golden eyes. "Or if you feel lonely, feel free to call me. If not, I will call you every ten minutes so that you'll be too annoyed to be lonely ok?"

Ryoma nodded. "Ok." He closed his eyes only to feel Xander's light kisses on each eyelids. "If you don't, you will be sleeping on the floor for the foreseeable future."

Xander left the burden on his gut lightened a little. He captured Ryoma's lips in a slow kiss, wanting to embed the taste of his lover in his senses. "I will keep that in mind then." He muttered against his lips as icy-blue and gold met in a smoldering gaze.

"Ahem." They heard Richard clearing his throat. "We have airway clearance Master Alexander."

The redhead looked up to his butler pleadingly. "Ok fine." He felt the grip of his wrists tightened. "Ryoma?"

Those golden orbs shimmered in tears but Ryoma stilled his self. "Alexander Hawthorne...you love me right?"

Xander smiled at him. "Yes I do." He caressed Ryoma's elegant face gently. "With all my heart."

Ryoma closed his eyes, allowing the tears to escape. "Ok..." He took Xander's hands and placed a kiss on each palms. "Remember that I'll be here...tomorrow...and tomorrow's tomorrow waiting for you."

Xander felt his heart swell with happiness. It may not be the magic words that he had been expecting to hear from the man's lips but it must be the closest thing to a declaration of love that he could get from the Echizen Ryoma.

"I'll hold you to that."

willwill

Ryoma stood by the view deck watching Xander's private jet took off into the night. His grip on the metal railings was very tight.

'It's on me for the next two days. I would have to double my efforts in driving them away. I cannot afford even a minute of weakness.' His lips were set in a firm line, his eyes blazing with a newfound determination.

'Xander deserves everything and I will give him that.' He took a deep breathe before turning his back...only to come face to face with two individuals that he wasn't ready to meet just yet.

"Ryoma." Those hopeful blue eyes...Ryoma bit his lip as he tried to pacify his racing heart.

"It's been ages, bratling. You look fine for a farmer." Kirihara Akaya smirked. "How about a nice welcome hug for your former rival and best friend?"

willwillwill

A/N: my brain is not working very well. I have been living with a reversed biological clock this week. I was on a completion duty in the delivery room in an 8pm-8am shift. I still can't get over the sleepiness and all.

But I'm glad that we were able to deliver 7 babies in 4 days. Yay for the babies! We have been sleeping on hospital beds in an empty pediatric ward with no ventilation.

Ok class starts on June 10. I will have a very hard time finishing this up but I WILL FINISH THIS STORY! Yeah...Ryoma will be in hell for the next chapters...or maybe heaven. IDK...XD

So if you want more,

PLEASE MAKE ME HAPPY AND REVIEW!!


	15. lying to myself

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

A/N: I have listened to Amy Winehouse's version of "Will you still love me tomorrow?" and damn it gave me the chills. I mean, it's not the best version there is but it's far better than the original which was sang by The Shirelles. If you're asking where I got the inspiration, try listening to the song :)

More A/N: Let's see...Yukimura, contrary to what almost everyone expects him of, will not "actually" join the scuffle for love. There is something special reserved for him to do for Ryoma...probably for the final absolution for his suffering soul. (And I don't know how to do it yet) You've placed an enormous pressure on my shoulders actually. I really, really want to live up to your expectations, that is why I'm forcing myself to focus. There is a new story line playing in my head and it's making this difficult. Yeah...

P/S: OH YEAH, TO MAKE UP FOR BEING LATE...THIS CHAPTER WILL BE EXTRA LONG...just a bit. GOMEN EVERYONE! School just starter and I'm in a whole lot of mess.

willwillwill

Sanada glanced at the clock. It says ten minutes past seven; meaning Xander's plane already took off. He was sitting alone in one of the castle's study rooms hoping that he'd be able to squeeze in some review time.

Oh but he was wrong. The moment Ryoma and Xander kissed just before they got inside the car still burned in his memory...over and over.

Sighing, he set down his papers and pinched the bridge of his nose. He braced his elbows on the oak table and stared out into the evening sky.

"I always took myself as an honest person with a solid integrity." He muttered. "So why am I plotting something that will surely hurt other people?" He slumped back on his chair.

'Xander sure seemed nice enough and he can surely take care of Ryoma. Why not leave everything to him? Is it hard to admit that what we shared together was a mere echo of the past? It will always be an echo, resounding painfully in our heads and hearts.'

"And echoes soon fade away...but will love turn out the same?" he asked himself.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Come in." He called.

The door shyly opened and in came Mimi, one of Xander's trusted maids. "Master Keigo would like to inform you that dinner is ready in ten minutes. Ryoga-san and Meino-san will be here any minute."

Sanada glanced back at his papers warily. 'Will I be able to get some studying done?' he shook his head before following her out of the door.

'I better get through this. It's not like a disaster's waiting for me downstairs.'

will

Ryoma grimaced as he quickly skimmed the message before getting his focus back on the dark road ahead.

'They're already making a move.' He frowned deeper at the thought.

"You know it's not advisable to use mobile phones while driving."

Ryoma quickly too a glance at his rear view mirror, seeing Yukimura's worried face. "I've been through worst case scenarios. And besides, this is my road. I know it by heart."

A scoff came to his ear. He shot a glare sideways.

"I'll assume this is your parent's road too and your father knew it by heart." Kirihara's fierce green eyes met his. "It seemed like the road betrayed them."

"Aka-chan..." Yukimura muttered warningly. "Don't tempt him."

Ryoma hissed before he felt for his mobile phone once more and speed-dialed a familiar number. Silence reigned inside the vehicle as Ryoma waited for Ryoga to pick up. He made a smooth right turn and started for the long winding road.

**"Ryoga speaking."**

"Hey, please advice the temporary master of the castle to reserve two more seats at the dinning table." Ryoma fought back the growl that wanted to escape from his throat.

**"Wait, wait, two chairs? For whom—?"**

"I'll be there in 15 minutes." He immediately cut off the conversation and put his phone down.

"So..." Kirihara breathed. "Played any tennis recently?"

"Akaya?!" Yukimura cried in outrage. He glanced at Ryoma who looked like he was concentrating on the road ahead. "You do not need to answer that Ryoma."

Ryoma shrugged. "It's a simple question that required a simple answer." He replied. "And the answer is no."

"Why?" Kirihara, despite Yukimura's hard flick on his right ear, continued.

Ryoma spared him an irritated glance. "I don't think I'm obliged to give you an explanation Akaya-senpai. Have you ever heard of the words, right to privacy?" He made a quick left turn which led them to the familiar dirt road towards the vineyard.

"Surely you can deduce that my reasons for not playing are mine to keep and yours to stay away from."

will

"Additional chairs?" Atobe asked. "Is he bringing someone over?" He confronted Ryoga. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Tonight was supposed to be a solemn gathering...intimate perhaps.

Ryoga sighed and flopped down on the sofa. "As much as I would want to pry the contents of his brain Atobe, I can't."

Nanako was busy staring outside the window. She smirked a little when he saw a familiar jeep entering the castle gates. "Looks like we're about to find out." She turned to them.

"Shall we welcome the guests?"

will

'Oh deep breathing Ryoma...remember that.' With closed eyes, he tried to follow his own advice.

"Ryoma, aren't we supposed to get out of the car already?" Yukimura studied his face. No matter how hard the young mad tried to relax, Yukimura could see the tensed outlines of his facial muscles.

Ryoma looked up to them, realizing that they have been staring at him for a while now. "Uh yeah...I think so." He turned off the engine, just as the castle doors opened.

"He prepared." He muttered before turning the engine off and slipping out of the car.

"No fucking way."

Yukimura's snapped to Kirihara who was staring at the individuals emerging from the castle door. He felt his jaw slack a little as his eyes caught what made his friend and coach gape.

'N-no...' It was the only thing that registered in his mind just as Ryoma opened to door for them.

"Hurry up. I want this over as soon as possible." Ryoma grumbled.

willwill

The dinner staked an all-time high in the awkwardness meter. It was much too awkward than the luncheon at his villa. Well, that one wasn't that awkward at all...it was burning with too much anger, resentment to be considered uneasy.

Ryoma sighed at the silence grew more pregnant by the second. It was slowly trying to suffocate the air out of his lungs. His golden eyes flicked lazily at the faces seated before him...all tense...all grasping for the right words to say.

'Here's to one hell of a night.' He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He listened to the sound of utensils, the soft intake of breaths. He opened his eyes again and came face to face with Fuji.

"Should we start then Ryoma?" Sapphire blue eyes glinted in mischief, sending goose bumps down Ryoma's spine.

Ryoma had to avert his gaze from the devil's incarnate which was Fuji Syusuke to the supposedly head-of-house, which was Atobe. He couldn't help but smirk at little at how strained the handsome billionaire's face looked. 'I wonder what he's thinking.'

will

With his jaw fixed stiffly in its joints, Atobe tried to appease the turmoil churning in his gut. Never, as in never, in his entire life had he experienced such a stressful dinner until now.

'This is far tougher than yesterday. What to do? What to do?' He caught sight of Sanada who was sporting the same constipated expression. 'I couldn't actually blame him. He's the one seated right in front of the culprit.' His eyes shifted to Yukimura who had a soft conceding smile on his face.

'Probably forced. He's not here to intensify the rift between everyone.' He sighed and then let his eyes lingered on Nanako and Kirihara. 'They are probably the one's actually liking the idea of being here. They were busy chattering about almost anything...as if the woman had not seen the little imp for such a long time.'

Then his troubled obsidian eyes rested on Tezuka who was directly looking back at him. He was seated right next to Ryoma. Somehow, seeing the concern in those hazel orbs made the churning in his stomach a little less chaotic. 'This is one of those times where I totally thank the heavens for giving me Mitsu.'

He breathed out gently, releasing the air that he has been holding inside his chest. His face titled to his right and came face to face with the challenging ire of Ryoga. Similar to his frontmate, which was Tezuka, the golden-eyed man was staring at him...although concern was totally absent in those amazing pools of gold.

'He's daring you to speak out already Keigo. After all, his younger brother takes after him...or rather the trait was passed through genes.' He held Ryoga's gaze, thankful that he has been brought up properly by his parents.

'I'm an Atobe...I don't easily crumble underneath such a gaze...unless another pair of golden eyes would subject me to that.'

"Should we start then Ryoma?"

The familiar teasing voice broke the fragile quietude in the room and Atobe just knew who was responsible. His gaze settled on the ever-smiling tensai seated to his right. Loathe though he was to admit it, he missed the playful aura that the tensai used to exude two years ago.

'Yes...I will finally admit it to myself that we have been fooling ourselves for over two years. We were not happy...we were not complete. Syusuke still continued to smile and tease around but this certain aura of his was missing.' He knew that the tensai had a lot of plans in mind on how to get Ryoma back. He still hadn't divulged anything to them yet but he can't help but feel the excitement the possibilities created.

They have two days to do it...and they're about to unleash hell on earth. His eyes then refocused on Ryoma who had his flawless face propped on one hand, gazing at him amusedly.

'What are you thinking Ryoma? What is the reason behind this smirk?' He swallowed hard, after finding out that the supposed questions were lodged in his throat. In the end, he was stuck, sucked in into those gorgeous pools of gold.

"Atobe-senpai, you look constipated."

The shrill silence of the night was shattered by that announcement and was punctuated by healthy laughter courtesy of Kirihara and Nanako.

Atobe bit his inner cheek hard, restraining his self from strangling the beautiful man with his bare hands.

"That's not very nice Ryoma." Tezuka apprehended him. He gaze back at Atobe and gave him an understanding gaze.

"My god Ryoma that was priceless." Kirihara was wiping the tears off the corner of his eyes. "I apologize Atobe-san." He gasped, trying to control himself.

"Hmph!" Atobe flipped his hair and held his head high. It was then that the appetizers arrived. "Took you long enough Yosuke." He told the butler.

"I apologize, Master Keigo." He bowed and motioned the maids to start serving.

"Wow, talk about royal treatment." Kirihara muttered. He looked up and showed his brilliant smile to the maid serving his baked oysters, causing her to blush furiously.

"I believe it's pretty rare for plebeians like you to experience such." Atobe said, getting back at Kirihara for laughing earlier.

Yukimura glared at his kohai when he saw that the emerald-eyed man wanted to retort. He then caught Sanada's eyes and they were doing the same thing.

Sanada sighed and broke his eye contact with Yukimura. He turned his gaze to Atobe who was looking smug. "There's no need for spicy comments now Keigo." He caught glance of Ryoma who was eyeing the dishes with disdain.

"It's not like a love potion was included as an ingredient Ryoma." Ryoga drawled out as he started on his food.

Ryoma wrinkled his nose. "Can I just skip to the alcohol part?" He prodded his food before he disdainfully took an oyster and slurped it up.

"No." It was Nanako who replied sternly. "You got smashed yesterday. I do not need an instant replay."

Fuji's eyes suddenly snapped open. "You got drunk? Hmmm...interesting."

Ryoma glared at him. "This is Europe. Drinking wine is as normal as changing clothes."

"Not if you have an obvious reason to get smashed." Fuji replied, simply smiling back at him. The others were simply gaping at the exchange. "Ne Ryoma, was it us?"

Tezuka almost dropped his fork. His eyes widened shock. "Syusuke!"

Ryoma jerked. "How…" He muttered with eyebrows furrowed together, "…_portentous_ of you…" He hissed in a manner that was both vituperative and sinister that Ryoma didn't know himself was capable of.

Fuji immediately tried to mask his astonishment. Ryoma used this kind of tone on very rare occasions...and those rare occasions included extreme anger.

The air within the room dropped a couple of degrees as the lingering effects of the said backlash resonated against the walls.

"Ok," Yukimura breathed out, wanting to dissipate the tension. "Who's up for soup?"

will

Xander sighed and succumbed deeper into the confines of his lazy Jack. After he had ordered Richard to sleep, he started his frantic search on the internet about current researches regarding the treatment for Aplastic Anemia.

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I had that laboratory test done the day before Papa Jiroh and Mama Rinko died. So basically it's about a few days later when I received the results."

'I don't think that it has worsened in that span of time.' He worried his lower lip. "One of the best management for Aplastic Anemia is chemotherapy. No--I don't want things to lead up to that. It'll be too obvious."

"There's no way that i will allow anyone, especially Ryoma, to discover this." He glanced past the window to watch the stars flew out of his visual periphery.

"How come that I was immediately snatched to fall down to hell when I had only been starting my journey through heaven?"

will

After the gloominess ebbed, Kirhara and Ryoga initiated an intense conversation regarding the training regimen that they will subject themselves into. With the talk of Tennis catching everyone's attention, only Ryoma opted to keep his mouth shut.

"If you want, we could play a few sets with you," Sanada suggested. "Just to add variety in the training regimen. We will be staying here for a week more so it'll be fine." He glanced at Ryoma who was quietly digging his way through his Ratatouille.

Ryoga was seriously considering the suggestion. 'They had been the best, I mean THE BEST players in their circuit. It's not like their skill had dulled in the span of two or years.' He cast a side-glance at his brother. 'Would this be a good opportunity to convince him to go back playing?'

As if sensing that eyes were boring holes into his skin, Ryoma looked up only to meet expectant gazes. "Don't look at me. I haven't picked up a racket in two years."

Ryoga sighed. "Yeah...the moment you arrived here, the first thing you picked up was a shovel and a wheelbarrow."

Yukimura leaned in. "It would be great if we can play a few sets together Ryoma...just like the old times." He smiled at him, hoping that he would cave in. 'If I can just help him overcome what's stopping him from picking up a tennis racket, I would die happy.'

Ryoma frowned. 'They're ganging up on me. Why should I be subjected to such torture?' He leaned back. 'If was just a week ago that I was spending a peaceful life, hidden in the midst of orange trees. Now the past has returned to haunt me: tennis and past lovers. What did I do to anger the deities and make them punish me like this?'

"I have a farm to run and a vineyard to look after. I do not have time to play games."

Atobe set his knife down. "Xander left the vineyard to me. You don't have to worry—"

"Do you know what's going to happen tomorrow?" Ryoma asked him challengingly. Seeing that Atobe was slightly taken aback, he smirked. "See? You don't. So you can go on and play tennis like you used to and let me do my job and look after my lover's plantation."

"Lover?" Yukimura asked.

"Was it the redhead that you sent off earlier?" Kirihara added.

Ryoma took his wine glass and drained it. "As a matter of fact, yes. Alexander Hawthorne, the lord of this castle, is currently my lover. Have something against it?"

"You know we do." Fuji snapped at him.

"Syusuke, enough." Tezuka glared at him, then to the rest of the table's occupants. "Everyone enough. Stop baiting each other. We'll all end up with indigestion if this pursues."

Yosuke felt helpless. His masters were out-of-control and their guests were making it worse. He looked up to the ceiling. 'Please, if someone can hear me, please do something about this.' And as if the heavens immediately granted his wish, another maidservant came in.

"Ryoma-san."

Ryoma sat up. "What is it?"

The girl bowed. "Please forgive my interruption but Mr. Sullivan just arrived. He would want to discuss with you and Master Keigo the bi-monthly weeding that will happen tomorrow."

"Take Mr. Sullivan to the tea room. Offer him drinks and tell him that Atobe-senpai and I will meet with him after dinner." Ryoma said. "And if in case he forgot to bring the map of the vineyard, provide him a copy."

"Yes, Ryoma-san." With this, she bowed once more and left.

"How could I forget?" Ryoga slapped his forehead. "Tomorrow's the weeding!" He glared when he heard Ryoma snorted. "Brat!"

"You're part-owner of the vineyard Ryoga. You could at least do your part and help Xander run the business." Ryoma snapped at him.

"I was busy! You made me busy!" Ryoga protested. "Of course I would want to help my best friend in anyway but you forced me to play—"

"Whatever." Ryoma muttered. He pushed his chair back and picked up his refilled wineglass. "If you feel like fulfilling your promise to your cousin, you may follow me to the tea room Atobe. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend to." With this, he walked out of the dinning hall.

Eight pairs of eyes followed him out of the room, leaving behind a miserable aura behind him.

Nanako cleared her throat. "I apologize for him but tennis is a very sensitive topic." A sad smile grazed her lips. "Uncle Nanjiroh and Aunt Rinko just passed away...and so are the forgotten dreams."

Ryoga slumped back on his seat. "This is a dinner party from hell."

Atobe cleared his throat and stood up. "Please continue. I will see to the meeting with Ryoma." He pushed his chair back. "Excuse me." And he too disappeared from the hall.

Nanako frowned. "Now I'm depressed." She turned to Yosuke. "Need desert please."

will

When Atobe entered the tea room, Ryoma was already engaged in an intense discussion with a middle-aged man with a crooked nose but kind-looking slate-black eyes. They were hovering over a large map spread one the coffee table. The sound of the door opening caused them to pause and gaze up at him.

"**Mr. Sullivan, this is Keigo Atobe. He's a business man from Japan and a cousin of Xander. He left him in-charged of the vineyard's activities while he's away." **the man held up his hand which Atobe accepted. **"Atobe-senpai, this is Mr. Rafael Sullivan. He is the head of the field workers. He will be mobilizing two dozen workers to weed out the 6 hectare field." **

Mr. Sullivan smiled at him cordially. **"Pleased to meet you, Lord Keigo."**

**"Let's discuss the plan again." **Ryoma said as he gestured the diva to take a seat.** "In order to save fuel, I suggest... **

will

"Pardon me for insisting on the subject but why did Ryoma stop playing tennis?" Tezuka asked Ryoga.

Ryoga and Nanako glanced at each other.

"Well?"

Ryoma sighed. "It's not my story to tell."

"But you're involved." Nanako told him. "Just tell them the bits where you are concerned. And besides, didn't you promise to your parents that one day, you will get their stubborn son to pick up a tennis racket and bask in the joy that is tennis?"

Silence filled the dining hall once more. Ryoga looked like he was contemplating on the idea.

Yukimura swallowed hard. "Is it by chance related to what happened, I mean what I did to him two years ago?" His hands shook in trepidation.

Ryoga shook his head. "Not entirely. You may have predisposed the matter." He slowly let out the breath that he was holding in. "Ok, the truth is, Ryoma tried to play tennis when he arrived here. The two of us played in secret and he always faltered, losing one game after another."

"It seemed like a lot of things are bothering him while he's inside the courts."

"What would be those things Ryoga?" Sanada asked.

Ryoga shrugged. "All he said was everything he tries to play, he could see the four of you on the other side and he started to crumble." He took his wine glass and took a sip. "Now don't ask me why because I don't know. That would be the parts that are his to tell."

willwillwill

Ryoma stirred to the sound of his mobile phone ringing. He had been so tired last night that he didn't bother if he directly flung his body on the bed and immediately drifted off to lala land.

"The hell?" Ryoma groaned as he felt for his phone. When he found it, he squinted his eyes to see who was calling. He groaned and accepted the call.

"Xander, why are you trying to disturb me?" He asked.

"**Good morning love.**" Xander's cheerful voice came to his ears.

"It's still three am here**.**" Ryoma said. He heard Xander chuckled from the other line. "I'm sleepy and perfectly not missing you right now. Call me later when I'm starting to miss you."

"**Aww, that hurt Ryoma! Didn't I tell you I'd call often so that you won't get lonely? And besides, it's only two hours before your usual waking time. You'll manage.**"

"I hate you." Ryoma mumbled.

"**And I love you.**" Xander replied.

Upon hearing that familiar phrase, Ryoma's brain snapped awake. "You're cheerful and I hate you...oh yeah..." He bit his lip as he felt the slightest of hesitations grazed his mind.

"I love you too."

will

Tears threatened to well up Xander's eyes when he heard the magic words from Ryoma. The hand that was holding the phone to his ear trembled.

"H-hey...thanks." Xander's lips trembled. He sharply took in air, trying to fill his lungs.

"H**ey, are you ok?**" Ryoma asked.

"No, no I'm fine...actually, I'm ecstatic." Xander smiled, a single tear trickled down his face.

"O**h, ok. Have you met the clients already?**"

Xander surveyed the white-walled room. "Y-yeah...we came earlier than expected so they are trying to prepare the documents still." An electronic sound came to his ear so he immediately covered the phone.

"**Paging Dr. Smith, please proceed to OR1. Paging Dr. Smith, please proceed to OR1.**"

"**Hey, I can't hear much but it seemed kinda busy where you are right now.**" Ryoma said when a group of interns passed by Xander.

"Y-yeah." Xander swallowed hard. He could see Richard shaking his head from the corner of his eye. "Listen love, I have to go now. It seems that they have finished with the preparations for the presentation."

"**Ok oh. Don't get too excited that you seal the deal immediately ok? Think about it thoroughly first.**"

"I will, thank you. I will call you back as soon as I am able to take a breather. I miss you already Ryoma. I love you."

"**You go get them tiger.**"

"Bye."

"**Bye**"

His grip on the phone slacked that he actually dropped it. It was lucky enough that Richard was fast enough to catch it.

"Your lie is getting bigger and bigger by the minute Xander." Richard told him.

Xander wiped any traces of tears from his eyes. "I know." He breathed out. "But you know, he told me he loves me." A genuine smile grazed his lips. "It's the first time that he said that and I have been waiting for two years."

Richard couldn't help but smile as well. "Well now there's another reason for you to get better immediately."

"I know." Xander gripped the hospital blanket that was draped over his lower body. "I know." A soft knock from his opened door made him look up.

"**Mr. Hawthorne is it?**" The man clad in blue scrubs and white coat came in with three interns. One of them was holding a chart.

"**Yes?**" Xander sat up, looking at the doctor expectantly.

"**We have here the results of your labs and I hope you're prepared of what I am going to tell you.**"

willwill

Five in the morning...Ryoma forced his body to trudge the familiar path to his orchard. Since the weeding will start at exactly 6 am, he has an hour to tend to his apple seedlings, turn on the sprinklers to water the oranges and make the final modification to the green house.

As he was walking, he couldn't help but ponder on the conversation that occurred between him and Xander.

_'I love you."_

Ryoma hissed. 'Had I not sworn that I'm through with love the day I arrived here two years ago? I thought I have learned my lessons...so why do I find myself uttering those damnable words once more?' He not-so-gently set the wheelbarrow down before he forcefully turned on the sprinklers.

Ignoring that fact that he's getting soaked, he took off with his wheelbarrow once more to his happily-growing apple seedlings. Then a realization came over him, causing him to shiver.

'Did I mean it when I told him I love him?' He stood there, frozen, while he stared into the gradually reddening sky.

will

Yosuke got up earlier than expected. He wanted to speak with someone...and he knew that the dusk is the best time to engage that individual into a conversation.

"I will definitely help out in any way I can." He muttered as he trekked the familiar path to Ryoma's orchard. He had learned, after poking around in Richard's study room that there is a hidden trail that leads to the orchard. The trek takes only around 5 minutes.

He sighed in relief when he saw the familiar fences that surrounded the villa's garden. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. In his head were images of his five young masters, playing tennis, quarrelling and then loving each other n their own unique ways.

'No matter what happens, I will do my best to protect their happiness.'

He slowly pushed the gates open. 'Here goes everything.'

"_I do not know your real motive as to why you came here and I do not wish Master Keigo ill." _

_"However, I will do everything that I can to protect my master's interests...even if it means that I would have to make your young masters a little upset." _

He moved stealthily across the grass-patched garden and through the gate that leads to the orchard itself.

'Mr. Richard is doing his part in protecting Xander's interests. He is one of the most cunning personalities I have encountered.' His lips were set is a firm line. 'I need to do my job as well.'

As he took the main trail of the orchard, the first thing he noticed that the dampness in the air. 'Eh? It doesn't seem like it's going to rain.' He looked up and saw no rain cloud impeding the rising sun. He then felt a cool shower of water on his skin.

"What is this—?" He muttered. It was then that he realized that the shower came from the ever revolving sprinkler near him. 'Oh so this is the time when they water the plantation.' He took another step forward only to freeze in mid-air.

"Master Ryoma?"

Before him was an ethereal picture of beautiful agony. The handsome young man was on his knees, head titled up to the gradually brightening sky. His clothes clung to his body as the unending shower of water sprayed over him.

"Somebody...h-help me."

will

Richard felt pain in his chest as he tried to gasp for air. The air inside the room was so heavy, morose. The seconds ticked by slowly, almost wanting to draw out the anguish in their hearts.

His grey eyes widened in disbelief and yet his clamped his mouth shut. He witnessed how the glow from Xander's eyes disappeared.

"**It is indeed unfortunate that the disease process is actually taking up speed." **The doctor continued.** "You may not be exhibiting the two other major symptoms of it but there is a significant decrease in your serum hemoglobin. I can conclude that you are suffering from anemia right now and it's bordering on severe.**"

Xander closed his eyes and gripped his blanket tightly. 'I don't want to hear it! I don't want to believe! Oh god, why me?' His whole body shook as he tried to suppress the cries that wanted to escape from his chest.

"**I suggest that we start on the initial blood transfusion, just to keep the levels at normal. Now, with the onset of the disease, expect that you would get tired easily, bruise easily and get sick easily. We need to boost up your immune system as well so you need to ingest as much vitamin C as possible alongside with iron supplement—**"

Xander's shaky hand came up to cover his ears. 'Please stop this...please! No more! Please stop this! I don't want to hear these things anymore!' His tears won the battle of will as he broke down. He didn't even notice the warm arms that enveloped him and pulled him into an embrace.

"**Please, take it easy on him.**" Richard told the doctor. **"From what the test results that was sent to us said, it was caused by Thalassemia. I admit that when Xander was born, he has the disease but it was cured when he received blood and marrow transfusion in the second week of his life. After that, there was no relapse for the past 23 years. How could this happen?**" He held his heart broke as Xander's sobs echoed into his ears, his trembling body against his skin. 'I'm so sorry, Master Alexander. I'm so sorry. I wasn't able to protect you with everything that I have.'

'I'm sorry.'

The doctor sighed.** "As you have said, he was born with a genetic disease of the blood or a congenital hematopoetic defects. That best explanation I can give is that even though he's practically been living with someone else's bone marrow, his body grew and will still continue to try creating its own parts...using the defected genes thus somehow overriding the transplanted bone marrow."**

**"This case is very rare actually. Allogenic hematopoetic transplant is usually the ultimate cure if Thalassemia was detected immediately after birth. Having a relapse of the defective bone marrow only has .001 chance to occur." **

"**Please s-stop...no more.**" Xander's muffled voice came to their ears. **"I-I want t-to go home...back to Ryoma.**" He clung to Richard as it he's his lifeline. 'I don't want this. I don't want this. I want Ryoma...I want to be with him. They're all lying. Ryoma will assure me that everything is fine. I'm not sick.'

The doctor shook his head. "**We can't just let you off so easily Mr. Hawthorne. I'm insisting that you undergo blood transfusion. Your body needs it right now. As for the disease itself, the best option that we have is another bone marrow transplant as the tests results showed no malignancy.**"

Richard felt a hand squeezed his heart. He looked back to the doctor. "**Is there blood waiting for him?**" He asked.

The doctor nodded. "**Fortunately, yes. However, blood transfusion will not solve our problems. We need a new bone marrow. You said that he had undergone the transplant when he was a baby. Can you still get a hold of the donor?**"

Upon hearing the question, Xander suddenly pushed Richard away. "**No! I don't want to cause Keigo pain!**" He cried. "**Keigo has already done enough for me! He already gave me his bone marrow before!**"

"**But Mr. Hawthorne, the chance of finding a suitable donor is 1 in 10 billion.**" The doctor took a deep breath. "**Without it, you're survival rate for one year drops to only 30. If the transplantation is successful, there is an 80 possibility of survival.**"

"**No!!**" Xander shook his head vehemently. "**I've already asked so much of Keigo. I don't want to...please.**"

Richard watched his charge helplessly. 'What more would you do if you knew about him and Ryoma-kun.' He held the thrashing man in his arms once more. "It'll be alright Xander. I will find a way. We will find a way." He turned to the doctor once more.

"**Doctor, even if it is 1 in 10 billion let's take our chances. If money's the problem, don't worry about it. I will have my master's name on top of the recipient's lists in both Europe and America. Even if it's a very slim chance, we'll take it.**" He turned back to Xander.

"You made a promise to yourself that you will fight this on your own but basically that is not very plausible right now. But I am here. I will help you and serve you to the last days of my life." He gently patted his head.

"But you'll need more than that. If Ryoma truly loves you, he'll see you through this ordeal until the end. And if you truly love him, you will be honest with him. He has the right to know. For the meantime, lie back and let them do the blood transfusion."

"Allow them to do everything they can to help you live longer."

willwillwill

A/N: Waahhhhhhhhhh!! Gomen!! I was two weeks late!! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! (Drops to her knees and apologizes repeatedly) As I have told you in the previous chapters, I'm having difficulties as to how the story should progress. It has been my off week...and classes just started. I'm going insane!!

Ok back to the topic...

**Serum Hemoglobin**: Hemoglobin level in the blood

**Allogenic hematopoetic transplant**: A big word!! Or rather a series of big words! Well it simply means blood component transfusion with matching genetic composition or alleles.

Aplastic anemia occurs not just because of congenital blood defects. It can be due to exposure to substances that destroys the bone marrow or substances we call **myelotoxins. **This can range from drugs to bacterial or fungal infections. If malignancy is observed, chemotherapy is one of the treatment modals used. The male population aging from adolescence to early adulthood is at risk for developing idiopathic case of this disease.

Whew!! Poor Xander! And poor Ryoma! Poor them all!! Thank you so much for supporting WYSLMT. I will try my best to finish this story.

Ciao!!


	16. on making mistakes

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

And yeah...I'm adding a little side-story. I know...you will be like, "WTF?!" but don't worry. It'll be gone as it started. (I give up...I'm just loosing concentration. Please forgive poor Ria-chan) It's something about Richard.

oh yeah and I decided not to put explicit smut. I guess I'm just too lazy to do it. I'm sorry. First-semester blues hit me really hard. I guess you should condition yourself regarding my late updates. Gomen everyone! I haven't been able to condition myself with school and updates.

willwillwill

Yosuke did not think twice before running towards the golden-eyed man. the sound of rushing footsteps made Ryoma look up just in time for Yosuke to stop dead behind him.

'Those golden eyes...I know those eyes.' Yosuke swallowed hard. Before him knelt Ryoma, ebony locks sticking to his face and framing his elegant face. However he was riveted on those golden orbs which looked so sad...like pools of molten flax swirling endlessly.

_"I'm not moving back Yosuke." _

He bent down and pulled the young man into his feet. "Let's get you out of the here." He muttered as he dragged Ryoma through the other side of the yellow fences. "You go take a seat. Where's the main switch for the sprinklers?"

Ryoma's almost lifeless hands went up and pointed at the nearest orange tree to the yellow gate.

"Stay here." Yosuke said before sprinting out of the apple orchard. 'What was he thinking?' He mused as he raced through the shower of water to put off the sprinklers. After seeing that the gush of water stopped, he raced back to where he left Ryoma, only to find the golden-eyed man bent down, tilling the soil.

"Master Ryoma..."

Ryoma hastily wiped his tears away before he continued to attack the damp earth. " You've forgotten that I'm not your master anymore Yosuke."

The butler sighed and crouched next to him. "You will forever be my charge Master Ryoma. Your absence didn't mean that Master Keigo stopped keeping you as his own...the same with the rest of your former lovers."

Ryoma sighed and fell back on the ground. he tossed his spade aside. "You're confusing me Yosuke. They wanted me out of their lives...they have no longer use of me. Isn't the reason why they are here is to slap everything to my face?" He kept his eyes glued to the healthy vegetation before him.

"Well," Yosuke took the discarded space and continued what Ryoma was doing. "Harsh words were said that night for feelings were hurt and heart were shattered. However, that didn't mean that they have completely forgotten about the times you all spent together." He crushed the clumps of soils with his hands.

"I have seen how they have resented what happened Master Ryoma. I've witnessed the denials and the struggle. They still love you."

Ryoma scoffed. "If in case you still don't know what really happened that night Yosuke, I'll educate you." He stretched out his legs. "I was drugged and raped by my best friend. All they saw was a video and they never thought twice of actually asking me what I think happened." He gazed at the Japanese butler sadly. "And they just drove me out."

"Do you know how scared I was that night, not even knowing what happened to me and yet they threw me away?"

Yosuke sat there, gaping at those golden orbs which drew him to feel the same sadness the young man was feeling at the moment. He was left speechless as he watched the tears rolled down his face one by one.

"You cannot imagine how much I loved those men Yosuke." Ryoma's lips trembled. "I even chose them over my family and yet I found myself all alone in the very moment where I really, really needed them most." He brought his hand to clamp his mouth close...scared that something the he wouldn't want to let out would slip.

"Well," Yosuke breathed out. "I didn't know about that." He looked away. "But you know Master Ryoma, when they went home after they visited your parents' wake, they instantly decided to look for you." He continued unearthing the soil. "They found a CD which you left behind and they listened to it. I think it was a wake up call for them."

Ryoma dusted his hands of the dirt. "It took two years and the deaths of my parents to wake them up...how convenient. I have changed Yosuke. I'm not the person I was two years ago." He met Yosuke's gaze again.

"I can see that you are indeed changed Master Ryoma." A small smile grazed his lips. "However the question is, did your feelings for them change?"

Ryoma stared at the old man. He couldn't explain as to why his heart sped up upon hearing his question. "I-I don't know what y-you're implying Yosuke." He qyuickly averted his gaze. "You know very well that Xander and I--"

"Yes," Yosuke set the spade down. "Master Alexander is your lover. That is well established when we arrived here but it doesn't concern the query I just gave you. I was asking if you're feelings for your former lovers changed. You can be someone else's lover while still entertaining deeper feelings for another individual."

Ryoma frowned. 'Why is he backing me up into a corner?' He closed his eyes.

_"You're cheerful and I hate you...oh yeah..." _

_"I love you too." _

'Why did I hesitate? Why did I even think of hesitating? If...if--'

Yosuke saw how troubled Ryoma looked while thinking. 'I hate to conclude such Richard-san but it seems that your master's fairytale hit a speed bump...a rather troublesome speed bump.'

"Or is Xander just a temporary replacement so that you'll have someone to shower the displaced emotions that you originally have for your former lovers?"

will

Xander eyed the blood-filled tubing which was attached to his left arm. He gazed up to the blood bag, counting each drop of the precious scarlet liquid into the drip-chamber.

"We'll fly back as soon as this bag is finished right?" He asked out loud, his eyes still glued to the transfusion apparatus.

"Actually you still have two more units of packed RBC. Once we finish the last bag, then we'll ask for a medical clearance." Richard, who was sitting on the opposite side of the bed, replied. He was peeling an orange fruit for the redhead.

Xander frowned at the thought. "Then how long does infusing one bag lasts?"

Richard sighed. "I heard the doctor told the nurse that it'll take 4-6 hours per unit." He just bit back a retort when he heard his charge groaned.

"4-6 hours each?!" The redhead collapsed against his stacked pillows."So that would take almost a day to finish this bloody transfusion!!"

"Master Alexnder!!" Richard cried in indignation. "I thought you wanted to get better? Why display such childish antics--"

"I want to go home ok?!" Xander snapped at his bulter. "I want to smell fresh air. I want to sleep on my own bed. I want to wake up to the sound of the chirping birds and whatever mushy nature things present in my castle." He paused to take a deep breath.

"I want to see Ryoma. I want to hug him...kiss him..." He placed his free arm on his chest. "...make love to him. I want to live life and Ryoma is my life."

"I just want to feel loved Richard."

Richard could help but smile. "And here I thought you've grown immensely." He leaned in to brush a auburn lock off his face. "You're still a child after all Alexander. I'm just glad to see that your cousin Keigo lived up to the responsibilities of the older cousin."

Xander rolled his eyes. "Gee Richard, Keigo's only older by eleven months."

"But still that age gap allowed him to become a suitable for the bone marrow that you needed when you were born." Richard smiled nonchalantly at him. "He saved your life and I'll be forever gratefully because of that."

Xander studied the face of his trusted butler. He looked like he aged in the span of 48 hours. The lines on his forehead, the side of his lips and eyes seemed more prominently than it was two days ago.

"I'm sorry Richard." Icy-blue eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

"Whatever for Master Alexander?" Richard asked.

Xander was unable to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. "Y-you are more of a mother than my own mother was. Just like how Uncle Lu became more of a father than my own father could ever wished to be." He hastily wiped away his tears and looked down on the sheets. "A-and even after he died, you still stayed by me. You could've started your own family but you stayed."

"Why?"

Richard felt his eyes warmed with tears. "It's because you became something akin to a son to me that I felt like there's no need to have another." He took Xander's free hand and squeezed it tight. "I promised Lucius that I will continue raising you into an honorable young man."

Xander nodded. "I knew. I always knew about you and Uncle and it was ok with me. as I grew up in the castle, I have grown to love and adore the two of you as if you're my real parents." He squeezed back, finally gazing up to meet Richard's eyes. His lips quivered as he battled with the tensed muscle of his throat.

"T-thank you."

Richard finally let his guard down and allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks. He moved to draw the young man into his arms and held him tight. "You're welcome, lad."

They sat there for a few minutes, savoring the comfort holding on to each other. The quietude however was broken when Xander raised a rather trivial question.

"Richard, is there a law permitting someone to adopt a father?"

Richard choked back a breath in surprise. He pulled back a little from the redhead while staring at him incredulously. "I-I think I have to request for your CBC now. Your brain might be suffering from lack of oxygen."

Xander's eyes twinkled in delight. "No I'm not. My brain's fine."

Richard cleared his throat and tried his best to look dignified. "Then what on earth made you ask such a preposterous question?"

Xander tried to snuggle back to the older man. "Well, as I have said, you were like a real parent to me but if you adopt me as your son and I take up your last name, there might be problems concerning the estate and the Hawthorne clan. And besides, had you gave in to Uncle Lu's proposal before, you would've taken the name Hawthorne already."

Xander snickered as he watched Richard blushed hard.

"Tha-that's ridiculous!" Richard protested. "H-how did you know y-your uncle proposed to me anyway?" He couldn't help but blush even harder.

Xander smiled at him cheekily. "I saw him offer you the ring." He then finally took pity at the butler's state. "Ok, I won't tease you anymore as long as you promise to do one thing."

Richard took a deep breath. "What is it?"

Xander rested his head on the older man's shoulder and closed his eyes. "Stop calling me Master starting now. I don't want to be your master anymore...I only want to be your son." His speech soon slowed down as sleep started to claim him.

"And never, never leave my side."

Richard's lip quivered as he fought hard to suppress a sob that wanted to escape from his chest. He gently kissed the fiery locks. 'Then keep on living for me. Keep on breathing. Keep on smiling. Keep on loving. Don't you dare die on me...'

"My precious ruby."

willwill

_"Or is Xander just a temporary replacement so that you'll have someone to shower the displaced emotions that you originally have for your former lovers?" _

Ryoma stared blankly at the soil. Those condemning words never left his head until now. After saying those words to him, Yosuke continued to take over his work on the apple orchard while he sat there dumbfounded. The Japanese butler didn't speak after that. he just continued giving Ryoma one of those indulgent gazes which made Ryoma feel more remorse inside his chest.

_"Alexander Hawthorne...you love me right?" _

_Xander smiled at him. "Yes I do." He caressed Ryoma's elegant face gently. "With all my heart." _

_Ryoma closed his eyes, allowing the tears to escape. "Ok..." He took Xander's hands and placed a kiss on each palms. "Remember that I'll be here...tomorrow...and tomorrow's tomorrow waiting for you." _

_"I'll hold you to that." _

"Ryoma, you're spacing out." Fuji said as he looked back and saw that the golden-eyed man was still frozen on the same spot. They have gathered that morning, in full battle gear, to weed out the vineyard. Even Atobe joined them in their conquest to rid the world of the annoying weeds.

'Why did I hesitate when I told him I love him? I shouldn't be bothered saying it at all if I really want to give him everything.' Ryoma bit his lip as he caressed a healthy leaf.

'But wanting to give him everything is different from actually loving him.' A voice resonated in his head. 'And the controversial word there is really. You sounded like you were trying to convince yourself.'

Ryoma frowned. 'I do not want to have another conscience right now. Xander already has that job.' He snapped out from his daze when a warm hand gently touched his arm.

"Ryoma?"

Golden eyes blinked before gazing up to a pair of sapphire orbs. It may not look as magical as Xander's icy blue ones but the intensity from it was far greater than the redhead's. Ryoma's heart took speed as he immediately started to drown in those pools of blue.

Fuji drank in the hazy confusion reflected in Ryoma's eyes. He was taken aback though because his eyes were always so full of hatred and loathing with directed towards them. 'Do you want to tell me something Ryoma?' He bit his lips as he held back his itching fingers from caressing that flawless face.

'Why am I feeling this way?' He felt an invisible force tugging him towards the brunette. His head was clouded with doubts that he didn't realize that his face was only a few inches away from the brunette's.

"If you're planning to kiss me, then don't hesitate Ryoma." Fuji felt his chest too tight for him to breathe. The close proximity allowed him to feel the head radiating from the man's body and his scent was too intoxicating for him to bear. "If you're not... get away now. Don't tease me."

Ryoma's eyes snapped in alertness when Fuji's words and the dangerous proximity between them finally sunk inside his head. He immediately tumbled back, breathing heavily.

"W-what am I doing?" He was loud enough for Fuji to hear. He looked up to those sapphire orbs again and saw the sadness...the disappointment.

Fuji couldn't help but frown a little. It had been so close...so close before he could actually lose all control and smother the raven-haired man. "I told you not to tease me." His voice steady and yet bore barbs in it.

Ryoma's eyes widened in shock. 'Was i really going to--' He shook his head. 'What in bloody hell is happening with me?!' He struggled to stand up. "I-I'm going to check on our general progress. Please excuse me." With this, he immediately left the brunette crouching there. He called a worker and asked him to continue where he left off.

"This is not right." Ryoma muttered angrily as he left the vineyard. "This is so wrong!" He didn't notice the intrigued pairs of eyes following his every move.

willwill

Seeing that Ryoma was not going back anytime soon, Ryoga took charge. By noon they were half-way through the plantation and he and Atobe called it off. Mr. Sullivan told them that they will continue by themselves after lunch.

"So...what happened earlier?" Tezuka asked Fuji after a long minute of silence. They had been watching Ryoga and Yukimura play for almost half an hour already and yet no one spoke of the incident earlier.

Fuji kept his eyes on the game, his gut churning in both yearning and anger. He decided not to answer the question so as to keep his mask from crumbling.

"Syusuke?" Tezuka asked again, this time placing a hand on his tensed shoulders. He eyed Atobe and Sanada warily when the tensai just hung his head low.

"I-I'm fine."

Atobe's eyes narrowed at the way Fuji's voice cracked. "No you're not. What happened in there? I saw how be moved closer to you." His frustration started to build up again when Fuji just shook his head, he long bangs hid his eyes from them.

Sanada sighed. "Apparently you're not. Did Ryoma say something that made you upset?" His hand caressed Fuji's face. "I know we're trying to reconcile with him but if he's trying to hurt you, then I just can't let that go."

Fuji finally met his gaze, his eyes watering but he fought hard not to tel the tears fall. "It's not it." He sighed and moved so that he's back was pressed against Tezuka's. "H-he...just got too close and I assumed that he was going to kiss me." He chuckled bitterly as he tucked his hair behind his ears.

"And yet he pulled away and left." He wrapped his arms around him. "Being so near to him, smelling his scent, feeling the heat coming from his body made my whole body ache for him. And it hurt so bad when he pulled away, gazing up to me with those dazed golden eyes of his." He didn't notice that he was already trembling.

"Syusuke..." Atobe gently pulled him into an embrace...vaguely noticing that "certain" pain Fuji was referring to.

"I-I need him so much. I crave to touch his body and taste his skin to the point that it hurts and i can't seem to control my body." He muttered against Atobe's shirt. feeling him somehow...relishing his warmth calmed him a little. " God!" He breathed out.

"I hate being here! Being here is pure torture! Every missed opportunity piles up on the frustration." He clung to the diva tighter. "I'm such a loony!"

Finally, Tezuka and Sanada were able to comprehend what the real problem was.

"It's ok Syusuke." Tezuka kissed his temple. "Everyone's going crazy over Ryoma...we know that for a fact."

Sanada gazed at Atobe and smiled at him lovingly. "Let's head back and try to rid Syusuke of his ache. We may not have him so we need to give each other comfort."

"Oi! You love flock want to help us or not?!" Kirihara's annoyed voice boomed across the courts. The four broke apart, realizing that the three on the courts froze to watch them.

"Now that we're in it, I think not, Spawn!" Atobe snapped back at him. "We're heading back to the castle. Syusuke's not feeling well."

"Oh I see. Rest up Fuji. Maybe you can join us tomorrow." Yukimura called back.

"Che! It'd be fine if they don't." Ryoga muttered.

"We'll think about it!" Tezuka called back before herding his broken, dysfunctional and weird little family back to the towering Hawthrone Castle.

will

Nanako jogged back to the tennis courts only to find four more bodies missing in action. She sighed and set down the refreshments she brought.

"I take it that they retired for the rest of the day?" She asked just as Kirihara called for a break. She handed them their drinks.

"Fuji didn't look too well. I guess Ryoma did that to him." Ryoga with a flat tone. "Serves him right if you ask me."

"Ryoga-san...you shouldn't say such things." Yukimura told him. He looked back to the trail that the lovers took. "They're already suffering so much."

"They're not suffering enough if you ask me." Ryoga spat. "If not for them, I would've--"

"Continued ignoring responsibility, Ryoga?" Nanako cut him off. "I think what happened between them and your brother is not all bad. I mean, look at you now."

Ryoga sighed and threw his towel over his shoulders. "It's not that. If not for them, I would've been playing with my brother right now. We would've been besting each other, making our old man mad with pride. Ryoma would--" He took a deep breath. "He would be living his life right now."

Silence engulfed them for a few seconds before Kirihara cleared his throat. "Um guys, " He cast the dejected Yukimura a worried look. "You're forgetting that we have the culprit right here with us."

Nanako snorted. "I guess part of taking responsibility is suffering Kirihara-kun." She cast Yukimura a side-glance. "Right, Yuki-kun?"

Yukimura smiled at her sadly. "Yeah."

Ryoga watched the teal-haired man for a while. 'What are you plotting now Yukimura Seiichi?'

Yukimura gripped his can of ponta tightly. "If I can only convince him to take up a racket once more, I'd die happy."

"Yeah..." Ryoga nodded. "But you can't die. It's not fun trashing has-beens." He winked at them before picking up his racket once more.

"Let's see how prepared you are for Roland Garros."

will

He felt like a jerk. He left his responsibilities. He was supposed to supervise the weeding but here he is, sulking inside Xander's room.

He twisted and turned on the bed. He came there, actually believing that those blasted thoughts would leave him be once that he bathed in Xander's scent. But it didn't. On the contrary, the more that he basked in the lingering shadows of his lover, the bigger guilt he felt.

He rubbed his tired eyes fervently. 'Why do I feel bothered?! It's just a damn question anyway!' He smothered his face with a pillow in frustration. 'Why did I even indulge in a conversation with Yosuke?!' He threw the pillow to his side and groaned.

"Of course there's no way he would let me go so easily. He's in it with them. God! How could I've been so stupid?!"

Giving up to his fate of a sleepless afternoon, he jumped to his feet and went outside Xander's room. He then started entering rooms at random, knowing that no one will reprimand him.

Then he saw a maid coming out of one of the guest rooms. Curious as he is, he stopped the young maiden. "Who's staying in there?"

The maid blushed hard under his scrutinizing gaze. "T-this room is being used by Master Keigo and his companions, Ryoma-san." She replied.

'Their room?' Ryoma's eyes widened a bit. "I see." He said no more as he stepped closer to the door.

"But Ryoma-san!" The maid gasped.

Ryoma smiled at her, causing her to flush harder. "It'll be fine. I'll be gone in a minute." He said before pushing the oak doors opened and stood there as the familiar scents of his former lovers made a wreck of his heart.

"Ryoma-san--!" The maid's protests were cut off by the oak doors closing. She just sighed and walked away.

Ryoma on the other hand, felt tears warmed his eyes as he took tentative steps towards their bed. One hand gently caressed the rich embroidered quilt. He studied the room carefully. Images of his former lovers played before him. He turned his gaze on the antique dresser.

'Keigo would be sitting in front of the mirror, as he always did.' His eyes then lingered on the coffee table and chairs by the balcony. 'Then Mitsu would be sitting there, reading a book or a newspaper while enjoying a cup of tea.' He was unable to stop the tears from escaping his eyes and down his face.

'Then Syusuke would be crouching not far from him, taking pictures of the sunrise.' And lastly, his eyes settled back to the bed. 'And Gen would be lying here beside me, attempting to wake me up.' He bit his lip to suppress a sob. He gently sat down on the edge of the quilted divan and let out a shaky breath.

'This room, it's full of memories. Memories that I should have forgotten a long time ago.' He gave up and laid back, taking a few deep breaths of the intoxicating scents of his former lovers. He only wanted to take a peek...or maybe stay for a while.

He did not expect that upon settling on the bed, his eyelids felt heavy and started to drop.

'Consequences be damned later.'

willwill

The walk back to the castle took only ten minutes. They went straight inside and up the stairs. They have matters to settle with each other and no small chats with the maids or servants would stop them.

Neither of them spoke words for they know that talking won't do much to appease the ache in both their heart and entire body. There was only one way out of it and Atobe's hands shook as he gently pushed the oak doors to their rooms open...

...only to stop dead on his tracks when he realized who was sleeping soundly on their bed.

Tezuka, Sanada and Fuji stood their gaping as well. Never, since they set foot in this place, had they imagined that this day would come. There Ryoma slept, unguarded...almost vulnerable and it made the hunger in them intensify.

"M-Master Keigo!" The maid who cleaned the room earlier appeared behind them. "I'm sorry! I tried to tell him not to--" Her explanation was cut off by the slamming of the oak doors shut.

On the other side of side, the four of them took tentative steps towards the bed. their heart were beating as one...their ragged breaths as one. Everything that they had hoped for spun before their eyes as they slowly approached the sleeping angel.

"Syusuke..." Tezuka muttered but the tensai wasn't listening.

"Please don't stop me Mitsu...I'm begging you." Fuji whispered as he sat on the edge, still staring at Ryoma hungrily. " I've waited for so long. We've waited for so long. Please..."

Atobe was beside himself too. He sat opposite to Fuji and gently caressed Ryoma's ebony locks. "Consequences be damned later...please." He gazed imploringly to the two who was still standing at the foot of the bed.

"If he still decides to be with Xander, then let us have this...just this once. You said there's still hope. you have seen it in his eyes." His tears welled up. "Please don't ask us to let go of that hope."

Whispered words...so soft against their ears and yet extremely painful to their hearts. Tezuka felt his inhibitions melt away when Sanada took his hand and held it tight.

"Mitsu..."

The bespectacled man took a deep breath and took off his glasses. Upon seeing this, Fuji caressed Ryoma's face with much reverence that slowly woke the young man.

"Ryoma..."

He felt how that voice made him shiver. He slowly opened his eyes, still blurry from sleep, until he was able to focus into a familiar pair of sapphire orbs. His heart sped up and his breath was caught up in his throat. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came...only another pair of lips descending upon his own, stealing his breath away.

Ryoma shuddered. He never imagine a kiss can be so sweet. The hands that were supposed to push intruder off him, fisted on the man's shirt as he was thoroughly kissed. He soon felt his body relaxed...like it was the most natural thing occurring. He didn't even realized that he moaned out a name.

"Syusuke..."

Sensing the sign of abandon, Atobe moved to nibbled at Ryoma's earlobe, making the golden-eyed man moan again.

It didn't take long for the three to become five. Under the blaring afternoon sun, something much hotter...almost scalding burned inside that room when there was no place for words, or reason...only abandon. Forgetting the past, present and future they succumbed into the tides of desire...need...love. Everything around them stopped to exist.

Blood ties forgotten...mistakes forgotten...morality...righteousness...everything dissolved into the background as continued to create that one thing that bound them together.

For that moment, the ice melted and turned into a boiling spring. For that moment...they became whole once more.

willwillwill

A/N:This chapter rendered me...thoughtless. Yeah. I've been battling against procrastination and I won this round. Yay for me! Hopefully it doesn't try to win over me next time. I was surprised that I was able to finish my assignment on Rizal which was a comparative study and still finish this chapter.

**CBC **means complete blood count including RBC, Hgb, Hct, segmenters, leukocytes and such.

Feel free to comment guys...it's very much appreciated. However, encouragement is most needed. Yes...shame on me. Your authoress is bordering on apathy. HELP HER!! hahahahahahahaha

See you next chapter guys!! Love ya!

Ciao!!


	17. hypoxia

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

Ok...loved the reviews last chapter but I have to clear things out. Ryoma was not rape. It was consensual...ok?

THIS WILL bE A SHORT CHAPTER. GOMEN MINNA! BEING A GRADUATING STUDENT SURE IS HARD. GOMEN!

And I know...you'll hate me for this. After all the wait, all you get is this. Gomen.

willwillwill

(Ryoma's POV)

That familiar sore was back. It just realized that it was disturbingly and achingly comforting.

I had been staring into the ceiling for quite sometime now, not even caring about the four pairs of eyes eyeing my every movement. Taking in every rise and fall of my chest or how my nose slightly flared as I tried to secretly take in a much air as I could to oxygenate my brain.

Because I need to go over the reasons why I did this. I need my freaking brain to work.

Hypoxia...it's the medical term for the decreased oxygen in the tissues. It causes a decrease in function of the said affected organs. My perfectly-shaped lips had the slightest inclination to arch down. I'm definitely suffering from it right now.

Speaking of the hawks guarding me, one of them flinched.

"Ryoma..."

Maybe he saw the miniscule movement of my lips. Slowly, as if the seconds were merely sliding off the sweaty skin, eyelids dropped to shield me from everything...shame...doubt...guilt.

Hypoxia can lead to altered mental status... as darkness finally claimed me, I slowly let out the used air that I just took in. I dared not to make the slightest movements.

"Please talk to us Ryoma..."

There goes that voice again. I could feel how the blood rushed back to my brain. This is one of those rare moments when I curse myself for being born male. I couldn't quite comprehend why my penis needed all the blood in my veins to work out the lust.

So troublesome.

"Ryoma, you're so beautiful." A warm hand touched my face.

Then that very second, everything froze. It was like I was finally able to fight off the lethargy caused by decreased oxygen uptake of my body but the world seemed a little too slow to catch up to the pace my brain cells was taking.

I slept with them...they who I vowed never to see again for the rest of my life. I had sex with them...touched skin to skin, moaned for, begged for...fucked with.

Simply put...it was as it someone squeezed my heart that made me flinch in pain. I fucked everything up!

I sat up abruptly, even causing the other occupants of the bed tumble and gape at my back. I felt like my whole world was starting to disintegrate by the millisecond.

"Where are you going?" Came the panic-stricken voice.

Simply put...I swallowed the big lump in my throat. I couldn't bring myself to accept the reality of the situation.

Simply put...

A warm hand gently grasped my arm. Could it be me or is the grip gradually tightening around my flesh.

"I'm not letting you off so easily Ryoma. You're not going to leave us like this."

Something hot and boiling started to churn in the pit of my stomach. It made me feel sick. I closed my eyes again to calm my racing heart. I had to. If it gets too fast, my body will lose to it...

...hypoxia...

I need to breathe...

"Of course I can." I slowly pried my arm from its captor. "I can do just like what i did two years ago." I stood up from the bed, although with great difficulty.

"Simply put Syusuke, I cheated on my lover."

will

(Normal POV)

The four of them gaped at him.

Ryoma bit his lip at he gazed into their eyes. "What? Have you forgotten that I'm not as free as you thought I was?" He moved to pick up his discarded clothes. 'I have to get out of here soon.' He mused. There was a traitor in his chest, a fist-sized traitor who continued to beat for traitors as well.

It was Fuji who made the first move. Not even bothering to put on some clothes, he grabbed Ryoma and held him tight.

"Please...don't say such things. Please!" He buried his face into Ryoma's nape. "What we did...what we had earlier was so precious." His lips trembled as he fought hard against the raging emotions inside his chest.

"Please don't throw it all away."

Fuji's skin to him scalded his own. He held the tensai's arms and slowly eased its hold on him.

"I think its time that we let go of the past Fuji."

Such hurtful words rang inside Sanada's ear. It hurt so much. "How can you speak of such things Ryoma?!" He stood up abruptly. "Don't you realize that all of us were clinging desperately to it? Even you, yourself knows that?!"

Ryoma's eyes narrowed. "That's why I'm telling you to let go already!"

Tezuka swallowed hard. To bitter from sweet...things turned out to be. "Only if you let go first."

His words echoed inside the room, resonating the pain in his heart. Ryoma just gaped back at him, unable to find the right words to say.

"If you're able to let go of your feelings for us, then we'll do the same—"

"What the hell are you talking about Tezuka?"

"Until you're unable to give Xander the purest of your love, we'll stay stubbornly waiting for you to return!"

It was very rare for the bespectacled man to raise his voice...which confused Ryoma even more.

'It's all coming back to haunt me...just like two years ago.' His lips trembled. 'How could've been so stupid.'

"T-this is ridiculous." He turned to Atobe who was surprisingly silent ever since he left the bed. "You can't possibly consider this Atobe. He's your cousin!"

Atobe just sat there, staring at his palms. His thoughts were going a mile a minute that he seemed a bit slow to catch on a response.

"I know."

"What?" Ryoma snapped at him. The billionaire remained unperturbed.

"I know." He looked up to Ryoma, his eyes watering. "I know that perfectly well. I feel as terrible as you do right now but can you really stop me from acting on my feelings, Ryoma? I'm only human after all." He smiled bitterly.

"E-even though he's my cousin, I-I don't think I could totally give way. I came here, we came here to reclaim what was ours. It wasn't our fault in the first place. Not ours...or yours. Why do we need to suffer for something someone else had done?"

Ryoma shook his head in disbelief. 'I'm not hearing these things...' He haphazardly put on his clothes. "I don't believe this. It's Xander, Keigo!!"

He clamped a hand to his mouth. It was a first since they've seen each other that he used his first name. He felt his lungs forcefully collapsed. It hurt so much. 'Breathe...I can't breathe!'

"Ryoma..." Atobe slowly stood up and slowly walked to where he was rooted. "Y-you—"

The fragility of the tension inside that room was shattered by a series of rings. Atobe snapped back from his daze and went to frantically search for his phone.

"Leave it Keigo!" Fuji gritted his teeth. "Now is not the time—" But he was too late. Atobe was able to get hold of his phone.

"**Xander?**"

Ryoma felt his whole body turned into ice. It seemed like the whole place was starting to stretch slowly and distort before his eyes. It made him was to throw up.

"**Keigo,**" The soft melody voice of his cousin came to his ear. Atobe had to bit his lip hard to hold back the intense force wanting to erupt form his chest.

"**Do you happen to be with Ryoma now? He's not picking up any of my calls.**"

Atobe gave Ryoma a dazed glance. "**I-I...h-he's actually—**"

"**Oh never mind! Just don't tell him that I called then. I'll be home in a few hours and I want surprise him. Can you do that for me, Keigo?**"

Willing his jaw and lips to move, Atobe replied with a curt..."**Ok.**"

"**What's the matter Keigo? You seem off today.**"

"**I-I'm fine. I'm just tired form the weeding. W-what time will you arrive then?**"

Ryoma's jaw dropped. 'Xander. How could I forgot that he's bound to return tonight?!'

Tezuka was intently studying the varying expressions on his beloved's face. He couldn't help but frown. 'In the end...the truth is he doesn't belong to us now.'

"**Ok...you take care. See you tonight then.**" His hand seemed lifeless as the phone slowly slipped form his grip and onto the floor with a light crashing sound.

Ryoma, finally able to take in a few deep breaths moved to leave the room.

"Ryoma wait!" Fuji cried.

Ryoma gripped the door know hard. "My lover is coming home tonight. I would be really grateful if you keep this from him." He closed his eyes, tears spilling down his cheeks. The traitor inside his chest started to beat harder, as if trying to oppose his words.

"Then what about us Ryoma? How are we supposed to go on like this?" Sanada asked, his voice failing to stay steady.

"We need you so much...so much that we feel like dying every time we see you in the arms of another. Please...you don't seriously think that we could just forget everything—"

"I'm not going to be like you." Ryoma said firmly.

"What did you say?" Tezuka snapped from his dazed gloom.

Ryoma looked back to them, taking in the pained expression on their faces. The hand on his heart squeezed tighter, making his reel and almost buckle.

"I said I'm not going to be like you." With jaws set firmly, he pushed back the repressed ominous affinity that he still has for these men.

"I promised Xander that I will be waiting for him. Every waking morning...I will stay with him. Two years ago I had asked you if you would still love me as the next morning comes regardless of the circumstances and yet you broke your promises."

"I'm not going to commit the same mistake that you did—"

"But you still love us!!" Atobe's voice thundered against the four corners of the room. His tears were falling down his handsome face unabashed. "We still love you, we'll always will! Isn't that enough? I know Xander would be happy if you're happy!"

Ryoma stood there, staring at them with awe. Four achingly familiar faces...broken...crying. Fate played a dirty trick on them. He surrendered to the hand that was fisting his heart painfully.

"I'm sorry..." With this, he stormed out of the room and into the night.

Just like two years ago, he's all alone with his broken heart...all alone to fix whatever that had shattered within him.

'If this is a nightmare, please wake me up! Please!' He pleaded silently as he kept on running away from the castle. 'I can't breathe...damn it I can't breathe! I'm choking...my love for them...the words that I consciously tried to hold back in now choking me!'

He dropped to his knees, exhausted from the ordeal. He clenched his fists as his tears wetted the soil behind him.

'What have I've done!?'

willwillwill

A/N: Uwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Have mercy on poor Ria-chan!! Please!! Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai!! Have patience with me please! I'll make it up to you next chapter! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh

(Authoress passed out from lack of oxygen secondary to intense crying. That's hypoxia my dearest...hypoxia)

Ciao!


	18. questions left unanswered

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

Again, I apologize for that crap I uploaded last time. I just became very busy these past weeks. I became busy with a musical play. I just can't say no to the call of my passions in life.

Ok...now I'm warning you. The next chapters will be over-flowing with angst that it might not be safe without a sedative. Hahahah! Or so I thought. I'll do my best to please you all, you angst-hungry people.

Oh yeah I'm including the lyrics of "Will you still love me tomorrow so you would reflect on it while you read. I have tears in my eyes right now.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

Tonight you're mine completely

You give your love so sweetly

Tonight the light of love is in your eyes

Will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure

Or just a moment's pleasure?

Can I believe the magic of your sighs?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken

And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah

But will my heart be broken

When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love

Is love I can be sure of

So tell me now, cause I won't ask again

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Yeah

willwillwill

They just stood there, waiting for the oak doors to slowly fall back into place. It's depressing that everything turned out this way.

will

Yosuke heard the commotion and immediately stormed upstairs when he saw Ryoma dashed out of the castle. He has a clue of what happened...he's just not sure if he got it right.

The oak doors were closed and he slowly laid his ears flat on it to listen. There was no sound...it's as if time stopped inside the room.

"Master Keigo." He called out.

Still nothing.

He took a deep breath. 'Something is wrong.' He straightened his tie before he gently pushed the doors open...

...

...only to witness a tableau from a Raphaelite painting.

'This is not good.'

willwill

He rushed up to his room, ignoring the calls of his brother. The doors flung open as he dashed towards the bathroom.

'They can't see me like this. They must never see me like this.' His mind rushed as he almost yanked at the shower knob.

"R-Ryoma you idiot." He collapsed on the floor, the cold, merciless drizzle of water soaking his clothes.

_"M-more...please more..."_

He bit his lip, trying to pacify the wail inside his heart. The little fist-sized muscle inside his chest had been like this since he woke up in the arms of his ex-lovers. It has been acting rebellious...against his brain, his muscles.

_"Love me more...love me..."_

'Damn it! Damn it! Why won't you bloody calm down!' His hands fumbled to rid his body of his clothes. Tears were obscuring his vision as he ripped his shirt off his head. He wanted to pound his fist against his chest, hoping that his heart would stop its annoying thundering pace.

He moved to stand in front of the full-length mirror and studied his body. His lips quivered as he tried to count the hickeys, the bite marks and the forming bruises.

'Xander should never see me like this.' He immediately took the loofa and started scrubbing his skin hard that it almost stung. 'He should never find out.'

_"And if you feel that you can't handle it on your own, share it with me." _

_"And if you're sick with it, I'll carry the burden for you." _

_"I will not leave you...unlike those who became the reason for your pain." _

Leaving his skin red and raw, Ryoma slumped back on the tiled floors and sobbed his heart out.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry Xander. Oh god..."

will

Used to seeing his young masters naked, Yosuke just sighed deeply and hurriedly closed the door. He immediately went to the closet to get four robes and put it on the seemingly inanimate men.

"Now, tell me exactly what happened." He said when he pushed Fuji last to sit on the bed. And it was quite hard since the tensai was seemingly lifeless on the floor.

"Seriously, Richard? You want to know all the sordid details now?" Atobe drawled. His reply was quick but his eyes were still dazed.

"I don't need that Master Keigo. I want to know what happened after that. Why did he storm out?" Yosuke pressed in.

Fuji wiped away his tears. "Of course he will dash out. We, he, cheated on his lover." The bitterness was oozing from his words.

Sanada let out a frustrated groan and fell back on the bed. "I think this whole trip is pointless. We shouldn't have come in the first place."

"Stop it Gen." Tezuka snapped at him. He rubbed his eyes vigorously to keep them from noticing the redness of his eyes. "If I can only find something in him to hold on to...just a small sign that would tell us to stay and continue fighting—"

Yosuke sighed as he watched the four men succumbed into misery. "What were his last words?"

The question made them look up to him in confusion. "What did you say?"

Yosuke dragged a chair in front of them and settled on it. "I said, what were his last words before he left?"

Silence reigned inside them room. The seconds passed by for like an eternity.

"I'm sorry." Atobe and Fuji blurted out.

Tezuka and Sanada stared at them incredulously. "Come again?"

Atobe stood up. His heart started pounding really hard. he turn to his lovers, his eyes wild with realization. "I'm sorry. He said, I'm sorry."

Fuji stood up as well. "And he was crying."

Yosuke's lips curled up into a small smile. "I think you've found your sign Master Kunimitsu."

willwill

Xander's icy blue eyes were glued on the fast-disappearing starry scene through his window.

"And we have yet to decide whether we're going to go to Holy Cross on a daily basis or we're to hire a personal doctor and nurse that would be available to do the procedures in the comforts of the castle."

He closed his tired eyes. 'Even though I promised Richard I'd do my best in this course of treatment, I can't help but feel resigned to my fate.' He sighed deeply. "Whatever you think is best Richard. As long as no one finds out about it, I'm down with it."

Richard couldn't help but frown. He set the magazine he's reading aside and reached out to grasp Xander's hand. "Xander, I thought we've made it clear that you will tell Ryoma-kun about—"

Xander shook his head. "Now is not the time." He felt the grip on his hand grew tight.

"And when would that be? Xander, this disease is as good as cancer. Don't you understand that?"

"I know." Xander turned to him, his eyes shimmered with more unshed tears. "But I have this feeling in my heart telling me to wait." He turned his gaze back to the fleeting stars. 'It's telling me that i could lose that one person whom I treasure the most.'

He blink in surprise. 'Wait. What am I thinking? What the hell was that?' He shooed away the uneasy feeling in his gut. 'No...I'm not going to lose Ryoma. No one can take him away from me.'

'They'd have to pry him from my cold, dead hands before they could have him.'

will

Ryoga groaned as he stomped back to the recreation room. He was thrown out of his younger brother's room for the fifth time after he tried to ask what was wrong. He yanked the door to the recreation room open, causing the ones inside to stop and watch him dump his body on a large bean bag.

"I take it that he still won't speak to you." Nanako shrugged and leaned against the air hockey table. "I think it's separation blues. He and Xander are inseparable."

Ryoga scoffed. "You're kidding me right? As smitten Ryoma of Xander is, he's not the type who would throw major tantrums when the man is away. And besides, it's not like the first time Xander left."

"But this is a first for him to act like a stupid brat sulking inside his room."

The sounds of the puck colliding against the edges of the table filled the room as they tried to contemplate on the situation.

"Hey, where did he wander off to this afternoon anyway?" Kirihara suddenly asked. "I was hoping I could trick him into hitting a few balls with us but he's no where to be found after he walked out of the vineyard."

Nanako, who was leisurely consuming a bottle of beer, cleared her throat. "Maybe he went off to find something more interesting."

Ryoga glared at her back. "He's so not talking to them Nanako." He placed his leg on the coffee table. "You think he met them? But they left hours after Ryoma disappeared."

Nanako shrugged. "I don't know about you but there are only a few places that Ryoma go to when he's upset."

Ryoga's forehead creased. "Yeah, I know."

"And where are these places?" Yukimura asked.

"Ryoma's life has been very monotonous these past years. It's the villa, the orchard, the vineyard or the castle. He purposely avoids the tennis court our father built for us."

Yukimura paused for a thought. "Well...it doesn't have to be your tennis court only. What if he takes time to travel into some secret hideout to vent out his frustrations on some poor automated ball puncher?"

That made them stare at him in wonder.

"What?" He raised an eyebrow. "It's not an impossible premise." He turned towards the table again and sighed.

"I came here with a purpose. It may not be to win Ryoma's heart but to do my duties as his best friend. I want to give him back the happiness he once found in playing with rackets and tennis balls."

will

Fuji sighed and set his phone on the bed. " He's not answering." he turned to his lovers.

"Xander will be home soon. I'm sure Ryoma would fetch him at the airport." Sanada said with his eyes glued to the clock. "i wonder what's going on inside his head."

Atobe set the hairbrush down and studied his face on the mirror. He looked tired...and old. Now he should've shrieked at the thought but he just sighed. "I don't think I can do this."

Tezuka sat up and stared at him. "I thought we've already covered that."

Atobe turned to face them. "I-I just can't hurt Xander this way." He bit his lip. "I promised I'd take care of him."

"Why?!" Tezuka cried, loosing his temper. "What about your happiness? You've never been this selfless before, you know that! We know that!"

Fuji placed a firm hand on the bespectacled man's shoulder. "Calm down Mitsu."

Atobe's shoulders sagged. "You don't know everything."

Silence filled the room as they waited for someone to speak up. Sanada was eyeing his lovers carefully, tensed up to do damage control just in case. Fuji looked torn. Tezuka looked like he wanted to trash about. Amongst them all, Atobe was in the worst shape. He looked defeated.

"Why?" Tezuka asked again, his voice shaking.

Atobe wiped away the tears that welled up in his eyes. "Xander has always been the weak one but being the only son of the heir to the Hawthorne family, he's given importance. He was born eleven months after me and was diagnosed of a disease called Thalassemia major."

"T-that's—"

"A type of congenital blood dyscrasia." Tezuka mutttered.

"He needed bone marrow transplant but surprisingly, none of the immediate family members matched with his ALE..." He looked up to gaze into their eyes.

"...except for me."

"Oh god..." Fuji gasped.

"You mean to say..." Sanada stood up from the bed.

Keigo gave them a sad smile. "That it's practically my blood flowing in his very veins as we speak."

Tezuka was perturbed. 'So this is why he's so protective of him.'

Atobe wrapped his arms around himself. "Growing up with the knowledge that it's my bone marrow which saved him, Xander doted on me and revered me more than his own parents. We became more than cousins, brothers even." With tears flowing freely down his cheeks, he gazed at them with pleading eyes.

"So tell me, how am I supposed to hurt someone who is almost a part of me?"

Without another word, all three of them rushed to the diva's side and held him close. Pained sobs and murmured reassurances echoed inside the room.

"We'll figure something out Keigo. Don't cry now." Sanada muttered into his ear.

"We'll definitely figure something out."

willwill

Their arrival was without a fuss. They hurriedly got inside the limousine and drove home. As Richard was on the phone making arrangements at Holy Cross, Xander was placidly staring out the window.

'How would Ryoma react if he finds out that I'm sick? What will he do? Will he leave or stay?' these questions plagued his head for the entirety of the trip. 'What would I do then if he left? I promised Richard I would fight for life but what if life itself abandoned me?' He could feel the tears well up his eyes once more.

'How am I supposed to go on like that?'

"Xander." A hand softly tapped his shoulders. "You're spacing out again."

Xander turned his gaze to Richard and smiled amidst the tears. "I'm fine."

Richard's forehead creased. "Fine? No you're not fine." He sat next to him and wiped away the solitary tear that escaped from his ethereal eyes.

Xander took a breath. " I'm just happy that I'm finally home. Being in America made me feel really sad."

"If you really are happy, then show it. Why the sad face?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm just entertaining a few possibilities inside my head, nothing. And you can't stop me from doing so. It's not like I could just stop thinking about my situation."

Richard stiffened. "Xander—"

He was cut off when the car finally came to a stop. They realized that they've arrived at Ryoma's villa.

Xander gently shrugged off his over-protective father-figure and stepped out of the car. "I'm going up to Ryoma's room and I'll be staying here for the night Richard." With this, he strode purposefully into the big white house, his auburn locks cascading beautifully behind him.

Richard sighed and followed him. He has to be where Xander is, just in case disaster strikes.

will

Ignoring the rest of the members of the household, Xander went directly up to his lover's room. He forced his heart to quit pounding so hard against his chest. It has been like that ever since he set foot on the villa.

'Calm down.' He ordered his shaking hand as it twisted the door knob open.

'Calm down!'

Gloomy dimness greeted him as he pushed the door open. It's not complete darkness because the bedside lamp was still on. Everything inside the room is a bit of contrast to the rest of the house. When the white, calming atmosphere of the villa helped people relax, Ryoma's room exuded loneliness, anger and resentment.

Which caused his eyes to roam frantically in search of the golden-eyed man...whom he found curled up under the sheets.

"There you are."

Xander let out a sigh of relief. He closed the door and locked it. He took off his coat and shoes and left them on the floor. He gently climbed on the bed where he found Ryoma just staring off into nothingness.

"I'm home Kitten." He whispered into his ear.

Ryoma tensed up at the familiar voice, heat and presence that wafted into his senses. He closed his tired eyes briefly before shifting over. He opened them again only to drown into a pair of icy-blue pools.

"Xander."

The redhead smiled at him gently before leaning in to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I came back on time. I promised you, remember?" He muttered against soft plaint lips.

The tightness in his chest returned. He swallowed hard. "Yes you did—" He was barely able to voice out when those lips crushed upon his this time. He was unable to do anything about it other than clung to the man and held on tight.

"I love you so much Ryoma..." Xander murmured in between kisses. 'You gave me more will to live.' He captured the man's lips once more to keep him from uttering those damnable words.

Ryoma shut his eyes tight, letting his self drown in Xander's kisses and warmth. 'Maybe after this I'll be truly reminded to whom I belong to.' He kissed back with a desperation that rivaled that of a dying man. 'Forgive me Xander. I never meant to hurt you!'

"Please...!"

Ryoma clamped his teeth hard on his lips to prevent himself from crying out his apologies. Tears started to well up his eyes. '...forgive me!'

Xander took Ryoma's cry positively. "Don't cry love. I'm here." He kissed the tears away. "I will always be here." his hands moved to remove their clothing. "I will never leave you." He planted kissed on every bit of skin he revealed.

"I will love you until I breathe my last breath of life."

will

Richard glanced at the clock. He, Ryoga, Nanako and two other Japanese men that he never saw before sat on the recreation room in silence.

"I better get going." He sighed. "By the looks of it, this will be an all-nighter." He uncrossed his legs.

"Wait!" Ryoga cried. "You can stay the night here as well Richard. You know that."

The older man shook his head. "I've been away for far too long. There is a lot of work waiting for Xander and me in the castle. I better start on it." He stood up and turned to Yukimura and Kirihara.

"It's my pleasure meeting the two of you." He bowed and walked towards the door.

"Richard-san!" Nanako cried out. The old man paused.

"Are you sure everything is ok? You look extremely tired." The woman gazed at his back worriedly.

" I'm doing fine Nanako-san.' He closed his eyes and he continued walking out of the room. 'It is Xander whom you should be worried about.'

will

Atobe looked out the window and saw nothing but darkness. His heart had been hammering for a few hours already for some unknown reason.

"They should be here already." Sanada stood next to him and muttered.

"I know." Atobe replied. "I hope nothing wrong happened." He stared out into the starry sky. 'I only want to love and be loved Xander. Will you be able to forgive me if I would want to have that for myself?'

His eyes moved to focus on the road leading up to the castle and that very moment, two small pin pricks of life appeared. His eyes widened as his system kicked into alarm stage.

"I think they're here." He muttered and pried away from the window. "I'll head out to meet them." He said before he rushed out of the room.

Sanada caught sight of his bewildered lovers. Sighed, he straightened up his robes and headed for the door.

"We might as well go on and face this."

willwill

Despite having their bodies sated, the two of them laid there in silence. Both were entertaining the troubles in their heads...not noticing the wall that was slowly emerging between them.

"Ryoma..."

He was thankful that his head was rested on Xander's chest so there is not way that he would see how troubled his eyes were just now. "Mmm?"

"What's wrong? You seem a bit distant. Did something happen while I was away?" Cold fingers laced through his silky locks. He's really tired as of the moment but he fought hard to stay away. he wanted to treasure moments like this.

Ryoma closed his eyes and gently shook his head. "Nothing. Nothing happened." He bit his lip as he hoped hard that his lover would ignore the thunderous drum in his chest. "I'm always like this, remember?" He felt his throat tightening. 'Stupid Ryoma! You liar! Liar!'

"Ahhh, then that's good to hear." Xander fingers drifted down to caress his face. "I was worried that by the time I come back, you'd change and you'd leave."

The golden-eyed man let out a silent gasp. "W-what?" It hurt. It felt like he was punched hard in the gut. He forced his tired body to move until he's hovering over the redhead.

"What in bloody hell made you say that?"

Xander gently smiled as he continued caressing Ryoma's face. "So beautiful..." He let his thumb trace his lips. "Ryoma..." He could feel the pull of fatigue on his tired, sick body.

The golden-eyed man gazed down of dazed blue ones. "What is it?" He felt his hand moved by itself to caress the redhead's face as well.

"Will you play tennis for me again?"

"Stop uttering nonsense Xander." Ryoma tensed up. "You're tired from your flight. Go to sleep.

"Okay." He could feel his eyelids slowly dropping but he needed to ask him one more thing so he willed his sense to stay focused. "Ryoma?"

"Yes?" Ryoma was getting annoyed.

"W-will you still love me tomorrow...?"

The question, uttered so softly from his lips, felt like a hammer descending upon his head.

"W-what the—"

His mind reeled for the right words to say...'This is crazy. This is coincidence!' When his vision came to focus once more, he noticed that the pestering stopped. He blinked a couple of times until he finally realized that Xander already drifted off to sleep.

"Xa-Xander..." He didn't realize that the tears automatically welled up his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. The hand squeezing his heart stopped. The doubts that clouded his mind vanished. It was the first time ever since he came top Glasglow that his heart beat against his chest clouding but unhurried...only definite.

It was the first time that he saw Xander differently...that beneath him laid an angel with his chest slowly but evenly, with his skin almost glowing against the darkness of the night.

"I'm so stupid."

Suddenly he felt the urge to lean down and share with him one breath. Then it struck him.

"I love you." Came a shaky whisper. He leaned down and gently pressed his forehead against his. "I love you..." He couldn't hold back a sob.

"I'm so s-sorry...b-but I will still love you tomorrow."

willwillwill

A/N: If someone wants to kill me after this...please do or if you want, you could wait a few chapters until this fic is finished. For any questions, ask me or you can scan up and read the summary. But then again, I promised you this will be an OT5 and I will never break that promise.

And another promise I gave was I will make you cry right? :p sorry for the delay. It's been a crazy time of the month. I have personal problems and school problems so I can't focus.

I'm currently assigned in the pedia ward of one of the biggest government hospitals in our region and by some twist of fate I have met a 10 y/o child with Aplastic anemia...for real. I feel for the child, really. I couldn't help but relate since I'm doing a fic focusing on the same disease. I'll tell you more about him next chapter.

For now...

Ciao people!!


	19. wants

A/N: I'M BACK!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

A/N: so now the tears will start flowing into an unending river of agony which I created myself. You asked for drama? I'll give you drama. :p

willwillwill

The first thing that Xander felt as he wove his way out of his deep slumber was the unfamiliar, yet warm weight on his chest. Unfamiliar because he's never felt this before. He slowly opened his eyes and the first thing that his blurry sight met was a mass of dark hair.

'

Ryoma?' He blinked a couple of times. Yes, the golden-eyed man was a cuddler but he never cuddled this close to him before. He felt his heartbeat race as he gently raked his hand through the velvety mass of hair.

"Nghhng."

He smiled. 'I've never been this close to you before...even when we make love I feel like there is still something keeping us apart but I don't feel that wall now.' He shifted so that he could fit the smaller man into his arms. 'With you holding on to me like this, it makes me more determined to win over this disease.'

Ryoma, sensing the light movements, stirred from his sleep.

"Shhh...sleep more." He heard. He slowly opened his eyes and instantly met icy-blue pools. He felt his heart thumped faster as he drowned in those magnificent eyes.

"I told you to sleep more." Xander brushed away the bangs that obscured the golden-eyed man's eyes.

"I'm fine." Ryoma rubbed his eyes. "It's not like we slept late last night."

"I know." Xander smiled and placed a small peck on his forehead. "I love you Ryoma."

Ryoma felt his breath got caught up in his throat. "I know." he caressed Xander's face. "Me too."

The redhead beamed and leaned down to kiss him. Just as the kiss got deeper, a series of loud knocks shattered the serenity of the room. It was Xander who let go and sat up.

"Ignore them." Ryoma pouted.

Xander couldn't help but drown in bliss. "As much as I want to linger in this sinful set-up you call bed, we have a lot of responsibilities to attend to." He said as he put on some clothes. After that, he secured the blanket over his lover before he went to the door.

Ryoma watched his lover's back with uneasy longing. His eyes were riveted on how those silky red locks cascaded behind him. 'I never meant for this. I never asked for this. But God gave it to me otherwise so I'll do my best to hold on to it.' He burrowed deeper into the bed.

'But what about those four?'

Ryoma's eye snapped in alarm. He clutched the pillow tight. 'They're the past Ryoma. They're mere memories. Remember that.'

'Are you sure that you want them to become mere memories?' Then images of their intense love-making came back to his mind. He could feel his heart swell with longing.

'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!' He shut his eyes tightly, trying to ward off the images, the voices and the scent that lingered in his head. 'I don't need to be reminded of that mistake I made!'

'But it was not a mistake Ryoma.'

He sat up abruptly, slightly panting. It is never a good thing to quarrel with one's self...especially when you see your impending loss. 'Damn it! Damn it!' He heard the door closed.

"Xander?"

will

It was Richard's face that he met the moment he opened the door. no offense to the old man, his spirits crashed down a little when he saw the concerned expression he has.

"Alexander—"

Xander glared at him and quickly slipped out of the room and closed the door. "Be careful or else someone might hear you." the redhead hissed under his breath.

"Well I'm sorry for that but I'm here to remind you of our appointment at Holy Cross—"

"I know." Xander sighed. "I know ok. I just want to spend a little more luxury of a time with Ryoma."

Richard's face softened. "I understand. I'll pick you up at the designated time then."

"No." Xander shook his head. "I'll have to see Keigo soon and thank them for their hard work. Wait for me outside and we'll head back together."

"Ok I understand." Richard nodded. The watched his young master disappeared into Ryoma's room once more before he turned around only to come face to face with Ryoga.

"I think it is best that you start explaining things to me Richard."

will

Atobe looked out unto the vast fields that belonged to his cousin for signs of his arrival. The redhead never showed up last night. His trusted butler just came home late to inform them that the redhead spent the night of the Echizen's villa.

'How does it feel to wake up in the arms of the man I love dearly, Xander?' His slender fingers traced the grooves of the window. 'It is you who is obliviously enjoying the warmth that in the past belonged to me. How does it feel? How would you react if I told you that I want that warmth back in my life? Would you fight for it? Or would you give it up for the man who extended your life...for the man who gave you the opportunity to savor that warmth?'

He sighed deeply. 'I never meant to hurt you Xander...but I cannot fully give up my happiness, our happiness.'

He felt a warm pair of arms encircling his waist.

"Keigo...you have such long face so early in the morning." Fuji whispered into his ear. "A penny for your thoughts?"

Atobe sighed and leaned back against the solid warmth that enclosed him. "Nothing. I'm just thinking over some hypothetical things."

Fuji reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind the diva's ear. "And these things would be?"

Atobe interlaced his fingers with the tensai. "Like I've been sacrificing enough ever since I was young. I mean its not like I wanted Xander to die but if I had the slightest idea that this would happen, I wonder if I would've offered my bone marrow."

Fuji chuckled. "Kei, you were only eleven months old then. Of course—"

"That's why it's hypothetical." Atobe snapped at him.

The tensai sobered up. "I was just kidding." He tightened his embrace. "I understand how you feel and I apologize if I can't sympathize with you. I know it must be very hard to choose between family and the ones you love. I can only offer you my support."

Atobe smiled a little. "I know...that's why I'm asking you to hold back. Do not hurt him immensely. If we can—"

"Break it to him gently? I think that's the hard part Keigo." Tezuka suddenly appeared by his side. "It will still be as devastating, losing the one you love, whether you try to buffer as much pain as possible. The gentler you try to become...that more you are prolonging the pain."

"But—"

"Loving is never easy Keigo. You know that. We know that." Sanada added. "What matters the most is whether you're strong enough to hold on to it."

"Saa...why don't we got visit our little kitten?"

will

"I'm not in the position to tell you anything Ryoga-kun." Richard clenched his teeth. 'This is bad. I have to figure a way out of this.'

Ryoga's eyes narrowed. "There is something wrong with my best friend and I want to know what it is." He gritted his teeth. 'I don't like the feeling this gives me.'

Richard sighed. "If you really are his best friend, you'd have the confidence to approach him and ask what is wrong. Remember that although you and I are good friends, it is to Xander whom I pledged my loyalty to, not you."

Ryoga collapsed on the couch, defeated. "I'm just scared Richard. Yes, my attention could've been centered on my brother but I couldn't help but feel Alex is slowly drifting away from me, from all of us, from the world."

As Ryoga continued to pour out his thoughts on Xander, Richard couldn't help shed a silent tear. 'It's not only you Ryoga-kun. No matter how much I want the world to know what my beloved charge is suffering from, I just couldn't. I promised him. It would be so much easier for me to bear this burden if I shared it with you but I cannot be that selfish.'

'I can't bear think of myself while Alexander is silently agonizing over the fact that the world, his loved ones suffers as he suffers as well.'

will

"Who was that Xander?" Ryoma asked when the redhead returned.

Xander, in turn, forced his self to smile. "Oh it was Richard. He was asking what time we would be returning to the castle."

At the mention of the place, Ryoma's face paled. "Oh...yeah." He turned his troubled gaze towards the window, something that Xander didn't miss.

'What was that?' Forcing out the uneasy feeling in his gut, he sat down next to the golden-eyed man and held him close. "How was it, working with my cousin?"

Now he touched a delicate topic. Ryoma couldn't help but stiffen a little. "H-he was not bad. He has organizational skills."

Xander worriedly eyed the velvety mass of dark locks beneath him. 'Why are you like this? Did something wrong happened while I was away?'

"Ryoma?"

"Hmmm?"

"Be honest with me ok?" Xander held his face up so that they were staring intently into each other's eyes. "Is there something going on between you and my cousin and his lovers that I need to know about?"

Ryoma's breath lodged at his throat. Staring so intently into those icy-blue pools was making things difficult. He tried not to swallow hard. He secretly took in a deep breath to prepare his self for anything that is to happen.

"Because I have been watching you closely while you interact with them. and I can sense the hostility ever since you met. I feel bothered and torn because well, you're my lover and Keigo's my cousin...

'Think fast damn it Ryoma!' His inner sanctum was in turmoil. 'He'll know everything soon. Eventually someone's going to crack up. Hell! I do not know if I'm doing the right thing but I want to buy us, him some time. This is not the right time.'

"Xander..."

"Yes Ryoma?"

The golden-eyed man closed his eyes and sighed. "Yes, we've had our rift before that is why I wasn't able to accept them as cordially as I should have. The rift, please forgive me, but I still couldn't summon up the courage to tell you just yet." He opened his eyes once more and sought out the understanding in his lover's eyes.

"I don't even know how to face it myself. I'm sorry."

Xander studied the handsome yet troubled face before his eyes. 'It hurts knowing that he's hiding something from Me.' He felt the familiar gloom in his heart. 'But I'm not a hypocrite. I'm doing the exact same thing. I do not have the face to confront you now...because I might let my guard down.'

'Please let it go.' Ryoma silently pleaded to Xander. 'Give me more time. Please let it go for now!'

"Ok." Xander smiled. "I understand." he pulled Ryoma closer. "I'll wait until you are ready." He closed his eyes and added silently.

'Wait for me as well. Give me more time so I could sum up the courage to tell you that I am dying.'

'I need to tell you that because I love you so much that I do not want to you to tie yourself to a dead man.'

He felt his tears welled up and he felt that Ryoma returned the intensity of his hug. 'But by the way you are holding on to me like this, it will be very hard for me to let you go.'

"Xander?"

He didn't reply, he just held the man even tighter.

"Remember what you asked of me last night?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm sorry but I couldn't seem to remember." He let out a light chuckle. "I think I passed out while still in the middle of our chat. I'm sorry."

Ryoma couldn't help but frown. 'Means he didn't...it's ok. I'll find the courage to admit to him that again in the future.' He moved to that he could gaze up into his face.

"Will you come and watch me play again today?"

willwill

Nanako was staring out of the window, watching as four familiar individuals stood by the entrance of their house.

"Nana-chan, come finish your coffee before it gets cold." Kirihara muttered. He and Yukimura were taking their breakfast in the tea room.

Nanako sighed deeply before walking away from the window. She sat down and started toying with her food when—

"Nanako-san--" Suzu came in, looking a bit flustered.

"We have company." Nanako mumbled as she took a sip of her tea.

"We do?" yukimura asked. And that same time, Ryoma's ex-lovers appeared behind the old woman.

Kirihara's eyes narrowed. "Ohhh what brings you here so early in the morning?" He watched the four mean entered. He gave Yukimura a side glance. "Are you here for the practice?"

Fuji smiled at him and sat next to Nanako. "Not really. We're here to see Ryoma." Three sets of eyebrows arched up at the statement.

Yukimura cleared his throat. "You do know that he has a lover as of the moment right?" He eyed them carefully.

Atobe's eyes narrowed. "Hey, forgot who caused that?" He stood there with a look so dark that it could pierce through metal.

Yukimura sighed. "I know, I know. But you're forgetting who aggravated it." He set his tea cup down. "Didn't it occur to you that Ryoma might be really, really happy with Mr. Hawthorne?"

The question sent a chilling gush of wind through the window and into the room. Nanako, who was surprisingly quiet, waited for someone to break the silence that made the room feel stuffed.

It was Tezuka who lowered down his gaze. There was a sad smile painted on his perfect lips. "Ahh, we're entertaining a lot of possibilities as of now. Be assured that that's been taken noted of."

Sanada grasped his hand and squeezed it tightly. "But it'll be frustrating if we just give up right?"

"I think you should." Nanako soft yet sharp words sliced into the air. "Aren't you fighting a losing battle?"

Fuji's eyes snapped opened. Normally he would be very polite to the woman but the blow that her words created were a bit dismantling to the mind.

"Isn't that a bit harsh Na-chan? Isn't it Ryoma's decision to make and not yours?"

will

"What is this place Ryoma?" Xander asked when they came into a clearing. The whole time the golden-eyed man lead him through the thicket, he remained silent but by the time that the place was revealed to him, he was stunned.

Ryoma sighed. He squeezed Xander's hand. he didn't turn to face him for he was at a very fragile state. "Listen Xander. I know you don't remember a thing but you asked me last night if I could play tennis for you again." He bit his lip, his throat closing up as he looked on to the empty, weather-beaten tennis court. He felt his eyes warming up as the hazy images of his father, his ex-lovers, his brother and all those that he defeated in the past gazed back at him challengingly.

'Two years...I have tried to escape these shadows. They're mocking me...telling me that I'm a failure.' He squeezed Xander's hand harder. He needed something to keep him rooted to the ground. He felt the tears spilled form his eyes.

'I don't want to stay as a failure...not to Xander...I feel like I will never deserve him until I'm able to destroy the enemies I have here before me.' He looked on again and saw the faces of his ex-lovers in detail—with the expression of their faces the same of that night two years ago.

Xander flinched. Ryoma's gripping his hand just a tad too tight but he still didn't dare to move. Before him stood the man he loves trying to face the one thing that he evaded for a long time. His eyes drifted to Ryoma's free hand which was gripping a red racket.

"Ryoma, you don't have to force yourself—"

"NO!" Ryoma cried. He closed his eyes tight, hoping it would stop the outflow of tears. "I promise you! And if I didn't do this, I do not deserve to stand beside you!"

Xander paled. "Ryoma, what in bloody hell and you talking about? Why would you say that you don't deserve me? It doesn't matter if you can't play tennis anymore—"

Ryoma forcefully released his hand. "It does!" He faced the redhead, uncaring whether the man would see his tears. "You've sacrificed so much for me. You waited for me! If I don't do this, if I don't do something to save myself from the mud puddle of shame which I buried myself into, I couldn't...I wouldn't be enough to sum up to what you have done for me."

He brushed his tears away, finally meeting up Xander's troubled gaze. "I don't want to be a coward all my life. I want to be able to see myself standing beside you, confident and not bitter!"

Xander felt Ryoma's growing restlessness. He felt helpless, unable to do something to pacify the anger and frustrations that were trying to consume the handsome young man.

"I want to be able to say to myself one day that I deserve every good thing that happened to me no matter how idiotic I was! I want to deserve you! I want to deserve something!"

Xander, despite the hazy confusion this confrontation gave him, smiled. "Ok...if that's what you want Ryoma. I will not stop you." His arms moved to embrace him. He bit his lips as he stopped the next words from coming out of his mouth.

'Deserve me...deserve my death.'

willwillwill

A/N: It has been so long!! OMG!! i was so busy!! Actually, i just squeezed this in because i'll be out of town during weekdays. Our group was sent to a far-flung province to do community organizing. yes, we have to live there for 3 days a week with our foster parents. It's hard but i'll manage. i hope you won't lose hope for this fic.

Ciao!!


	20. IMPORTANT NOTE FROM AUTHORESS

Note from author:

Guys...I know that I haven't updated for like 3 months or so. I'm so sorry. I'm graduating next year so everything is pilling up on me especially that I'm takign the in-chouse review for the nursing licensure exams that will happen June of next year.

I honestly don't know when i can update but im working on the next chapter as of the moment despite my busy schedule...given also that I have a thesis group to lead.

No I'm not dead...and I WILL FINISH THIS STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please watch out for the next chapter. It will come out not later than next week. Thank you for the kind consideration.

~_~ Whew! I love you guys!!!!

Ria Sakazaki


	21. less

A/N: I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review^_^

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

A/N: I promised you angst remember? So this chapter is a two-month hiatus worth of angst...or so, I think. Please read on and prepare your tissue boxes. I think you might need it...or so, I think. Here you go!!!!

To those who responded to the A/N posted prior this chapter, thanks guys! I really needed it! I needed to know if you still believe in me! Thank you! It's because of you guys that I have found the will (more on guilt) to write this chapter. Thank you! Thank you!

willwillwill

Shot after shot he watched Ryoma failed. It was agonizing, excruciating. It was purely personal that the golden-eyed man was showing him how weak and vulnerable he really is.

"Bloody hell!" Ryoma cursed as he missed another return.

Xander bit his lip. it was too much. Ryoma's showing him too much emotion that left him nearly crumbling. Oh how much his arms wanted to reach out and grab the young man and soothe away his pains.

"Ryo-Ryoma...please that's enough." He choked out. It was agonizingly beautiful...seeing how Ryoma danced his pain with eloquence.

Ryoma paused midway from another attack when Xander collapsed on his knees with tears trailing down his cheeks. "Xander..." Still trying to catch his breath, he felt the sensation returned to his fingertips.

Xander clutched his chest tight. "It's alright. D-don't push yourself too hard." He wiped away his tears hastily. "We still have time...y-yes let's take our t-time." His tongue faltered at that last word that he uttered.

"You're giving yourself way too much hope Xander.' He tried to take in more air but it seemed like his lungs were betraying him as of the moment.

Ryoma felt like someone slapped him hard on the face. To see Xander on the ground, crying because of him, made him feel a whole lot worse. "I-I'm sorry." He took a step closer to the redhead but his knees gave out and he too collapsed unto the ground.

It was then that he realized that he was shaking. "I-I don't understand w-why I'm like this..."

"Please Ryoma, enough." Xander breathed out. He looked up to gaze at his lover but it was then that his vision seemed to blur. "It's ok." He hastily wiped his tears away. "I was just moved by what I saw." He made a move to get up but he felt that all the energy that his muscles had was sucked out.

'Damn it! Why now?!' He bit his lip. 'He shouldn't see me like this.'

Ryoma looked up to see Xander still on that kneeling position. the redhead was panting a little. "Xander, are you ok?" He staggered to get up to get to his lover.

Xander's eyes snapped open. 'No! I cannot allow this to happen! I can fight this disease off! I'm strong!' He slowly got up into his feet even before Ryoma could get to him. That sudden motion caused him an unexpectedly strong wave of nausea but he fought it off.

"I'm fine...yeah just a bit tired." Xander muttered before he met Ryoma's worried gaze with an uber fake-yet-hopefully-convincing smile.

Ryoma felt an ominous sensation in his stomach but he shrugged it off. 'It must be the jet-lag.' He shook his head vigorously before he approached his lover and embraced him.

"I'm sorry I took you out this early." He mumbled against his chest. "Want to head back and get some rest?" He looked up to meet the redhead's gaze. His quick eyes however did not fail to catch the fleeting shadow in Xander's usually-cheerful eyes.

"About that...I'm supposed to meet with one of my wine distributors today." Xander tried his best to hold up a smile.

Ryoma blinked. "But you just arrived." He searched into those icy-blue orbs but it seemed that whatever it is that Xander wanted to hide, he was able to hide it efficiently.

"I know." Xander gently caressed his face. "But business is doing well. I may be in love but that doesn't mean I'll forget about the vineyard and the winery."

'Please...please buy it Ryoma. I'm running out of excuses. I wouldn't be able to come up with a viable one if you see through this.'

Ryoma stared at his handsome face for a while. "Well, ok. I'll let you off this time." He tip-toed to give him a soft peck on the lips. "On one condition."

Xander's heart skipped a beat. 'He's not making this easy for me.' His grip on Ryoma's shoulders tightened. "What is it?"

"You go hide my tennis racket. No one's supposed to know."

willwillwill

"Where the hell could he be?!" Atobe muttered as he punched the trunk of an orange tree. He and his lovers were waiting for the golden-eyed man to return in his orchard.

There is still a score to settle after all.

Sanada looked out into the path that led to the vineyard. "Patience Keigo...patience." he shuffled on his feet. 'But where the hell are you Ryoma?'

Tezuka was busy studying Fuji who was absent-mindedly staring out into the greenhouse that Ryoma was working on. He studied the tensai's features intently, noting how much his aura had changed ever since they learned about Ryoma and Xander's relationship. He sighed.

'I guess this situation is forcing us to grow up a little.'

He turned his gaze towards Atobe and Sanada and noticed the same thing. He then let his gaze drop to his own hands. 'What should I do then? What should be do?' He couldn't suppress his lips from arching downwards now. 'These hands got to caress him again after a long time.' It was then that he noticed that his hands were slightly shaking. It caused him to smile a little.

'Che! Even my skin recognizes who it longs for.' He made a tight fist with his right. 'This is how I want us to be...' He then turned to gaze at his left. 'But I'm surprised that feels good without wanting to bind us together.' His chestnut-brown eyes shone with tears.

'But I do not want to let go.'

"Eh Syu," Atobe's gasped reached his ears. "Where are you going?" They all turned their attention towards the tensai who was walking towards the yellow fences.

"Garden." The latter coldly replied. The remaining three were not able to grasp his intent so they just followed him to wherever he was going.

will

Yukimura had been scouring the place for the golden-eyed man for quite a while. It was like a hunting game was on and the price was Ryoma.

'Hmmm...he should be here somewhere.' He mused as he weaved past the curtains of vines that blocked his way. By doing so, he came upon a hidden clearing which strongly resembled a tennis court. However, what made his jam dropped was the fact that the man that he was looking for was sitting in the middle of the courts with his face drawn upwards as if searching the heavens for something.

"Ryoma!"

The said man just closed his eyes, defeat and frustration written all over his face. "What do you want?" He painfully tried to ignore the sounds of footsteps.

"I—You are—tennis court—"

Ryoma slowly opened his eyes. "Tsk! You seemed to have been reduced into a blabbing idiot, Seiichi."

Yukimura game his self a firm shake before he drew his left arm and placed it gingerly on the defeated man's shoulder.

"D-do you need some help?"

willwill

It was like a nightmare. Everything...everything was turning into a cheap excuse for a horror film. The nurses were actually psychos in disguise waiting for the right order to detain him in the cold prison they call a hospital. The doctor was actually the creator of the whole plot, altering results so that he doesn't have any way out of that damn nuthouse.

"**Mr. Hawthorne.**"

Xander jerked. Feeling a seemingly gently touch on his needle-abused skin seemed a tad too suspicious.

"**Xander.**" Richard glared at him warningly. "**Forgive him Dr. Walter. He's been on edge ever since we got news of his illness.**" He was seated next to the redhead, trying to comfort him as much as he can. 'Even I didn't imagine it would progress to this.'

Yes indeed. They just came to the hospital for the agreed-upon daily check-up so that they could watch out how his disease is progressing but they did not expect that it would progress this fast.

"**I'm very sorry—"**

Xander glared at him more. "**Like in bloody hell you are.**" Muttering under his breath. "**I want a second opinion.**"

"**Xander?!**"

The kind doctor sighed. "**Yes you are indeed entitled to a second opinion if you want Mr. Hawthorne. You can even have as much as you want but I'm telling you, the longer you deny the existence of your disease, the shorter your life span becomes.**"

Xander angrily brushed off the strands of hair than fell upon his face. "**I'm not in denial ok?! I'm sick I know that!**" A pained look painted his eyes. He clutched the white sheets that covered his body.

"**I'm dying and I know that. You do not have to remind me.**"

Dr. Walter, in his 40 years of medical experience, had not seen such a pained and suffering look before. Yes, he has seen many dying, angry patients but the look on this redhead's eyes felt like a pair of blunt chisel trying to bore holes into his chest.

'It's agonizing to watch him like this.' He had to shake his head to get rid of such subjective thoughts.** "If you're not, then why are you like this? At this stage of the disease, if you're not in denial, you should've thought of the treatment modalities that will suit you." **

**"You are behaving like you don't care about the people around you who want you to live longer." **

And as if all the air inside the room was sucked out by a vacuum. Xander stared at him as if is saw a ghost. Soon one by one, images of Ryoga, Atobe, Richard and lastly Ryoma swam before his eyes.

'You are behaving like you don't care about the people around you who want you to live longer.'

Then, as reality struck him in a force comparable to that of a lightning, his tears automatically spilled down his cheeks. Blinking back the surprise, he let out a gasp for air.

**"Xander!" **Richard cried in alarm. He hurriedly gathered the winded redhead.

"I'm s-sorry..."Xander sobbed. "I'm so sorry..."

He clenched tighter against his adoptive father, holding on to him like he's the only anchor he's got to protect him from the thundering waves of guilt.

Richard couldn't help but pity him. In his frail tired shoulders lay the most precious jewel in the world whose glimmer and shine were slowly fading away.

**"Please Doctor don't be this harsh." **He heard himself plead.** "He's been through enough." **Then he too had tears streaming down his cheeks while returning the death clutch that Xander has on him.

**"We've been through enough." **

The outflow of emotions was overwhelming that the kind old doctor almost wanted to give in to pity. He now realized that the seemingly sharp blade that is Alexander Hawthorne, probably the last heir to the Earl of Alster, is actually made of crystal...so fragile...so...

Dr. Walters gave himself an internal shake to stop the train of thought in his head. He's the doctor. No matter how heart-wrenching the facts were, he still needed to be firm and objective.

**"I know."** He sighed. He cast one last look at Xander. **"You have been through enough but this disease is not done with you Xander. You're in the early stage of Leukemia, the dreaded third sign of Aplastic Anemia. If we don't do something, you will die. It is chemotherapy and transplant for you." **

**"The longest that you will survive without the two is two-three months or less. By the speed that the course of the disease took, you have to give me a decision now." **

He gazed hard into Xander's icy-blue orbs. **"You need to answer my question." **

**"Do you want to live? Or do you want to die?" **

willwill

"Enough of this!" Ryoma cried and threw away Yukimura's spare racket. It felt like a thorn was stuck inside his chest...so painful...so agonizing. Chest heaving for much needed oxygen, he glared at the teal-haired man on the other side of the court.

"This is useless!"

Yukimura was taken aback by the degree of Ryoma's self-hatred. Tennis...tennis was supposed to be his life. Tennis was what he breathed for...

...lived for...

...and now to see the obvious hate and anger not only to himself but to his...their beloved sport.

It is just too much.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Yukimura asked, already becoming irritated. 'He's not the same. He's not the same person whom I enjoyed playing with.' His fists curled into a fist. "It maybe a love game but—"

Ryoma grasped his hair, almost wanting to rip it from his scalp. "That's it Seiichi! It's a love game!"

"IT'S A FUCKING STUPID LOVE GAME!" Having uttered the words, he punched the ground so hard that he felt his knuckles cracked.

Yukimura gaped at him. He just stood there, rooted on the spot as Ryoma continued his painful assault on the harmless ground.

"I shouldn't have agreed to this!' Ryoma gritted his teeth, his anger causing his tears to spill from his eyes. "I'm useless! I'm stupid to think that I can do this again. A fucking love game!" He hissed when he drew his bloodied fists for his eyes to see. "Oyaji's probably laughing like a loon seeing me right now. You're so stupid Ryoma."

He bit back the sobs as his tears blurred his vision. "Stupid tennis."

"THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN STAND ON THIS GROUND IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU THINK IT'S STUPID?!?!?!?!?!" Yukimura snapped. He jumped over the net and grabbed Ryoma's shirt.

"Then why did you even pick up my racket in the first place?!" He too has tears flowing down his face. "This is not you! The Ryoma I know will fight back!" He shook Ryoma hard, wanting to shake some sense into him.

"No matter how many times you lost to your father in a love game you still fought back!!!"

Ryoma's eyes almost gleamed in feral emotions as he shoved Yukimura off him. "I'm not that person anymore remember?!" He raged.

He was shaking from head to foot but he couldn't stop. The door that he left locked for almost two years was slammed open and all evils flooded out. He lifted an accusing finger to his ex-best friend. It was a first ever since Yukimura arrived in Glasgow.

"The person you are asking for no longer exists because of you!"

Ryoma hastily wiped his tears away. "The Ryoma that you are looking for is the Ryoma who still has his adoring parents and his loving lovers! How dare you ask for him when you know yourself that you're the one who killed him?!!"

It is as if their fight two years ago was not yet finished. All the resentment for losing his loves of his life and his will to pursue his dream that were left unexamined were all dumped on the poor man before him.

"I had a bright future damn it! I had a goal to pursue! I was in love! I was loved! But damn it Seiichi you destroyed everything for me! Now every time I looked across this court I see each of their accusing faces!!"

"You destroyed that one flame that ignited Echizen Ryoma's dream torch! And now you want me relish every second of my failure! This is all your fault!!"

The rest of his words were cut short when he went staggering backwards from the force of Yukimura's punch. Time stood still for both of them. Only ragged breathing can be heard. The air seemed to have taken more weight as the two continued to stare daggers at each other.

Ryoma the most was in shock. Te did not realize that Yukimura you hurt him...again.

"I did not cause you to fail Ryoma." Firm yet almost acrid words lashed into the air. "It is you who caused your own downfall."

Ryoma, already recovered from his initial shock, scoffed. "What in bloody in hell are you—"

"Yes it is I who destroyed your relationship with your lovers but it wasn't I who did something that prevented you from coming back to them." Yukimura took a small but sure step closer to the fallen man.

"I didn't kill your parents. It was an accident." Another step. "And you losing your will to play tennis will never be my fault Ryoma because it was YOU who decided to quit."

"It was you who gave into the hallucinations you have when playing tennis." Another step; Ryoma was drawn inadvertently into the man's aura...almost scared of the intimidating presence before him.

"It was you who decided to fade into the background while your brother takes the limelight."

"If your failure in achieving your goal should be attributed to someone, it should be no other than you, yourself." Yukimura wiped his tears away. "You let your own fire go out Ryoma...especially when all others were trying to protect it and keep it from dying out. You destroyed your self."

"You quit."

Those words spoken in such a soft yet firm voice made more impact on him that the ones he yelled. It wasn't until a few seconds later that he realized that he was wailing uncontrollably.

_"Mada mada dana, Shounen."_

'I'm so sorry Oyaji.'

_"Echizen, be Seigaku's pillar of support."_

'I'm so sorry Kunimitsu."

_Ii need to put a little distance between us. You're catching up fast Echizen."_

'Syusuke...please forgive me.'

_"I'm going to crush Seigaku's pillar of support Tezuka."_

'Keigo...Keigo...'

_"Don't be so cocky kid."_

'I'm so sorry Geinichiro...so sorry.'

_"Oyaji spent all those years honing you...perfecting your skills and now you're throwing everything away! And for what?!" _

'Ryoga please forgive me...I'm a total coward.'

_"Will you play tennis for me again?" _

'Xander...I don't deserve you...I'm a failure...I'm sorry!'

Ryoma weaved past the gory mix of flashbacks. Every word was like a arrow that pierced through his chest. Hurt and bleeding silently it was still very hard for him to accept the truth.

Yukimura was fighting hard against his heart. He wanted to take back every bit of word that he said after seeing how the golden-eyed man reacted. But his head was saying another thing. Sooner or later someone would have to put aside the fact the Ryoma's the wounded soldier and make him face the truth for once.

'He's my best friend. Yes, I know now that I will only amount to that. And as one, I need to do my part.'

"Se-Seiichi..."

He looked up and caught Ryoma's suffering gaze.

"I-I don't know what to do an-anymore." Ryoma sobbed. "I-I don't know h-how to raise my-myself from the muck t-that I-I have buried my self into..." He wrapped his arms around his body.

"Xa-Xander..." By the mention of that name, more tears spilled out. "I-I do not d-deserve Xander at a-all..."

"...or any of them. I'm nothing but a coward." Ryoma bit his lip as he searched for mercy in his ex-best friend's eyes.

"I-I don't know how to help my self. I-I need you..."

The humble declaration made Yukimura's heart skip a beat. In a snap, he gathered the dejected man in his arms and held him tight.

"I'm here remember? You know that I will always help you." Yukimura tried to soothe the man.

"I'm your best friend remember?"

willwillwill

**"Now you have to remember, even though your body is in a seemingly perfect condition, that you have to maintain your supplements."**

The door opened and revealed Ryoga talking to a brunette doctor in his middle ages. **"If you're that willing to get to the top, you have to take care of your body." **

Ryoga smirked. **"Nothing to worry about Doc. That's why I faithfully follow your advice."** He turned and bowed to the doctor in respect.

The doctor smiled. **"If that's the case then I do not have to worry then. See you on your next appointment."** The door was closed and Ryoga strode purposefully down the hall.

'I shouldn't let myself get into more stress. I know that my parents just died and my brother is on edge but I have to remember that I have my own problems too.' He was whistling as he passed by the different wards. He and Yukimura are scheduled to play the whole afternoon.

His golden eyes scanned the area swiftly. 'I'm just glad that my best friend is staying clear from problems...' He stopped dead on his tracks when he saw Richard slumped down on one of the plastic benches out of a room.

His heart took speed as he watched the butler's every movement. He couldn't help but feel suspicious that something is indeed wrong.

_"If you really are his best friend, you'd have the confidence to approach him and ask what is wrong. Remember that although you and I are good friends, it is to Xander whom I pledged my loyalty to, not you." _

Without seconds thoughts he sprinted towards the old man.

'I am his best friend. I should've known that Xander will never tell if something is wrong.' He bit his lip as his anxiety level rose. 'Damn it! I should've known Xander is this too naive and childish!' He saw how the old man slowly looked up upon his approach but he was heading for another direction.

will

Richard was unable to react fast enough when a blur that was Ryoga came to him. The look on the young man's face, so vaguely he captured it, almost made his heart leap unto his throat.

"N-no—!"

All he could do was gasp. To think that the man changed his direction at the last minute. He was so sure that the young man was coming for him but in a split-second decision, he shifted his direct towards the door.

"Ryoga no!"

He was only able to let out a scream when Ryoga turned the knob and pushed the door open. Then time stood still...

...seconds ticked by waiting for something to happen...to explode.

Breaths were being held to the point that it was almost consumed...heartbeats were racing in triples to the point that any moment it could stop...

...icy blue met gold...

It was Xander who recovered fast from his initial shock to blink a few times. When he thought that anyone else finding out his condition would break his heart...it actually did the opposite.

His heart felt light. Despite the tears that were slowly welling up his eyes again, it was painless for him to breathe...unlike how he was earlier.

"R-Ryoga..." He whispered into the air.

With lips forming into a sad smile and tears flowing from his eyes, he tried to stand up and held his hands against the plastic barrier that was his new home.

"L-looks like yo-you've found m-me."

Ryoga was gaping, his jaw almost permanently dropped to its lowest capacity. Inside the room was his best friend, looking very frail and weak in a hospital gown, surrounded by a heavy plastic square tent. His right arm was attached to a tube leading to a clear bag of fluid while attached to his nose was another plastic tubing connected the wall.

"Wha-what's going on?" He took a tentative step inside the room, his whole body shaking. "W-why are you like that?" He could feel his tears almost wanting to overflow. Seeing Xander now, he looked like he actually lost a couple of pounds in such a short while.

He was still in a daze until he was away to reach Xander and lay his hands against the redheads...hoping to feel the man's warmth but felt the coldness of the plastic barrier instead.

"Alex?"

Xander looked at their hands, palm to palm, and he just completely broke down.

"I-I'm so so-sorry Ryoga." He sobbed as he collapsed back on his bed, his hands slipping down the plastic barrier.

"I'm so sorry..."

willwillwill

Ryoma forced his self to go back home after that ordeal with Yukimura. Although his heart was put at ease for a while, he still couldn't let go of the man's words so easily.

_"If your failure in achieving your goal should be attributed to someone, it should be no other than you, yourself."_

"I guess he's right." He muttered when he pushed the gates to the apple plantation open. "Everything was my decision...mine alone."

_"You let your own fire go out Ryoma...especially when all others were trying to protect it and keep it from dying out. You destroyed your self." _

_"You quit."_

'Such hateful words...' He kept his eyes glued to the familiar path he's taking. 'I didn't realize that I have been destroying myself all these years.' He just kept on walking, still oblivious to the sounds of labor that filled the air.

'Maybe Seiichi really did something good for me today.' He wrung his wrists as he tried to ward of the queasy feeling in his stomach. 'Maybe if I try doing it tomorrow, something will change.' He slowly drew his gaze up.

'I have to face the wreckage that I have created sooner or later.'

He continued his way towards his apple plantation. It was then that he realized the sounds of wood working and other things exist outside his world.

"What is going on?" His feet took pace as he broke into a run. He flung the gates open only to halt abruptly and stare at the commotion happening before his golden eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Tezuka and Sanada, who were carrying a long timber, paused to stare back at him. Atobe, who was busy weeding the apple seedlings, looked up from his work to gaze back at him as well. Fuji, who was busy repotting Ryoma's roses, froze to gaze up to him as well.

Somehow, they have seen this coming and were already immune to Ryoma's hisys fits.

Ryoma ragged breathing almost echoed in the air as no one decided to talk. He just glared back at them indignantly, not trusting what his eyes are seeing right now.

And as if to show him how completely unaffected they were of his impending rage, the four just shrugged their shoulders and went on with their work.

"Just what the fuck is happening—"

"Seriously Ryoma." Sanada was the one who spoke up first after he and Tezuka set their load down and the latter went off to get a saw.

"We know that you're very bold and motivated once you set your mind on something but this is too ambitious you know." He gave Ryoma a knowing glance...a glance that made the hairs at the base of Ryoma's spine stood up.

"Even for you."

Ryoma blinked. "Huh?"

He just stood there and stared back at them in a wide-eyed manner. "What the hell are you talking about?!" He took a step closer, nearly missing an iron nail poking through the ground. He gestured to the clutter inside his usually spot-clean garden.

"What the hell is this?!"

Atobe, done with weeding the last row of seedlings, stood up and took the hose that lay on the soil. "Seriously! Do you think you can finish an elaborately designed green house on your own?" He then went to the water faucet and turned it on. The water instantly came out, allowing him to proceed to the watering the seedlings. "And to think that you're not even tall enough to work on the roofing."

Ryoma glared at him indignantly. "I have a ladder you know!" He retorted. "And I use the sprinkler when I water the apples!"

Fuji sighed and set the finished pot down. "We'll get wet and get sick if we use the sprinkler Ryoma." He replied bluntly. He took another stem and a new pot. "And besides, wetting the entire ground would make it harder to Mitsu and Gen to work on the green house." He smiled at him sweetly before going back to his work.

'This is surreal. I must be dreaming.' Ryoma shook his head vigorously. 'This is not true!' He was so immersed in his own denial that he did not notice Tezuka approach him.

"Ryoma."

The way the man uttered his name sent a delicious shiver down his spine. It was something that he did not expect, causing him to fall back and land on his beautiful behind.

Tezuka sighed and smiled at the uncharacteristic behavior that the golden-eyed man was showing. Fuji and Atobe couldn't help but chuckle at his fall. Sanada was smirking as well.

Ryoma, on the other hand, still has his head spinning. This is a drastic change in their strategy and he did not like how his heart was beating like crazy against his chest.

"Get up." Tezuka offered him his hand. "You should know very well never to leave frustrated males with nothing to do."

Ryoma gaped at him. "Te-Kunimitsu..."

The anxious, almost tender way Ryoma said his name made his heart flutter. "Don't worry too much Ryoma." He grabbed the golden-eyed man's hand and pulled him up to his feet.

"Now let's work together and finish this, ok?" Chestnut-brown eyes sparkled in delight at the way those golden eyes widened in obvious excitement. "Let us not get careless."

"Ha-hai senpai!"

will

It took a few minutes for Ryoga to feel his feet once more. Watching the redhead sob his heart out on the other side of the plastic barrier is as painful as not being able to touch him and give him comfort.

The nurse and the medical intern inside the room were glaring daggers at him as they scrambled to get Xander under control while he and Richard just stood there, merely watching and taking things in slowly. A few minutes later, they had the redhead laid on the bed, sedated.

"R-Richard..." Ryoga finally was able to move his throat muscles. It hurt so much as he tried to suppress his cries.

The butler sighed and finally went inside the room. He gestured the intern and the nurse to leave so that they could talk. The moment that the door was closed, the old man collapsed on one of the seats.

Ryoga slowly turned to face him, anger obvious in his eyes. "What is going on Richard? Why is he here? Why is he confined inside that plastic bubble? Why—?"

Richard looked up, his face seemed to have aged drastically, and answered Ryoga's glare with a soft gaze.

"A-Alexander...Ryoga Alexander is dying." It seemed that the old man acquired the talent of turning whispered words into a loud scream.

"He has a condition called Aplastic Anemia." Richard rubbed his hands on his face. "And he's gonna die soon."

It was as if each word Richard uttered turned into an exploding bomb. The explosion of the truth on point-blank range was too deafening...too horrendous that left him breathless.

"N-no." Ryoga muttered. "No." Firmly this time.

"Y-you're just kidding right?" Ryoga smiled and shook his head. "You're getting good at this kind of thing Richard. You could be an actor you know." He let out a half-hearted chuckle.

"I thought you knew better than play along in one of Alex's games."

Hearing the denial from Ryoga almost made him tremble in anger. He moved so fast that not even the young man was able to dodge his punch.

"Ouch!" Ryoga staggered back from the force of the punch. "Damn it Richard! What the hell?!"

Richard grabbed Ryoga's shirt and yanked him forward until there was only an inch or two separating their faces. His steel gray eyes were almost flaming in anger.

"You listen to me Ryoga," Richard could feel the heat escaping from his nose. "You pleaded to me earlier to tell you what was wrong with Xander and not you laugh at me?! At the situation we're in?!"

"Fuck you Ryoga!" he pushed the young man away before he collapsed on his knees. He could feel his tears escaping his eyes without heed.

"D-do you think I-I'd joke a-about this?!" He cried, leaving Ryoga frozen on the spot. "Look at him!!! Look at him and ask me again if I'm still kidding!!!"

"Alexander is dying Ryoga! That is no laughing matter! He only has a few months...even weeks or probably days to live!!!! Do you think I could joke about that?!"

Ryoga tore his gaze from the distressed butler to gaze at his best friend who was still deeply immersed in his induced sleep. It was then that he felt a sharp pain in his chest, as if someone just squeezed his heart tight. Tears once again trailed down his face.

Richard looked up and saw the change on the young man's expression. He knew that the golden-eyed man finally realized the severity of the situation to some extent but he could do nothing to comfort him right now. Hell! No one can comfort any one of them right now.

"I could never joke about such things Ryoga...especially if my son's life is on the line." His eyes softened when the young man collapsed on his knees as well.

"Just take one hard look at him and you'll realize his light seemed to have dimmed. It's getting dimmer and dimmer Ryoga and I cannot stop it."

"I cannot keep him alive longer...allow him to love longer and be loved longer."

"I cannot give him what he desperately wished for and it kills me every time I see him long for something that destiny has already decided to take away." He hastily wiped his tears away. He staggered up to his feet and took his time to insert his hands into the glove pocket of the plastic barrier to be able to grasp the redhead's hand and hold it.

"All I can do for him is convince him to choose life so that he'd have that one chance, even a bleak one, to be able to hold on to his desires...to his love. That's all that I can do and it makes me feel so useless..."

"...so worthless."

willwillwill

A/N: I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! *coughcough* Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *coughcoughcough*

Anyway...I'm really, really sorry for the delay! I need to prioritize things and the Nursing Licensure Exam and Graduating comes before this. But I'm really trying my best to finish this story. It only has a few chapters left. If you think this chapter already squeezed the juices from your hearts, think again. Things are going to get uglier in the next chapter.

Yes I know...poor Xander. Poor, poor him but things like that really happen. Life is unfair.

Oh! I have sad news for you all. Remember the kid that I told you about who has Aplastic Anemia? He already passed on into the arms of Our Creator. God bless him for he is such sweet kid. The group mate of mine who actually took care of him cried when his burial was aired in a TV show. So sad. Let us all pray for Darwin's soul.

To those who are faithfully following this story...thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Please hang on! "Will you still love me tomorrow?" is on its way to the end! Thank you!

Lots of love,

Ria-chan


	22. harmony for no one

A/N: Wow...months passed without me updating this story. *Cringes* Sorry guys! The THESIS and the NURSING REVIEW have to come first. But the funny thing is, during one of my down times in the review, I decided to buy myself a doodle notebook. While the reviewer mumbled about burn care and cancers, I was doodling with sketches of the backs of my classmates and this...I think I need this to get out of my head since I may not have the will to put it on the actual chapters. But my friends said it made their heart ache for a while so I'm posting it. I want to quench your thirst for this story...with this pathetic attempt. Hehe...I'll be back in circulation soon, probably this coming month.

This will be written in Xander's POV. It's short but at list, it's the thought that counts right?

willwillwill

If there is one thing that I regret in this life, that would be establishing a life that is never mine from the start.

I was hoping...I have been hoping that someday, it will be my turn to make him happy...to make myself happy. I just realized that the more I clamour to get him inside my embrace, the farther he strays away from me.

I love him...I love him so much that I'm clining on to this tiny string of life in order to be with him. The cliche' of it is, he doesn't know that I'm dying. Shall I tell him? The right thing to do is just that but I am scared. I am scared that the moment he learns about me, he will drift father away.

I do not want to be alone...not this time...never! By shunning him away, I can keep him close.

With this lie I can keep him forever...until the day I draw my last breath.

Selfish isn't it? I guess so.

But this is the love of my life. I gues I do have the right to be selfish.

willwillwill

A/N: I told you it's short. ^_^ This is what I'm doing while I'm not listening to the lectures. Watch out of the update by next month, first week, ok? I will try my best. Love you all!


	23. changes

A/N: I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to another OT5 story of mine. Please read and review^_^

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, _italics_ for flashbacks, dreams and memories and **bold** for foreign, wired or text conversations.

IMPORTANT: hhhmmm...I'm borrowing a few lines from a famous local movie in my country. I'll reveal its title at the end of this chapter. I just felt like using it, wanting to see how it adds to the crazy concoction of a story that I have...

...oh yeah, I don't own that movie either. Hahahahahahha

willwillwill

'Losing someone so suddenly...' Ryoga slowly breathed out the used air. '...is much more favorable than seeing someone's life slowly fade away before your eyes.'

That was his conclusion. He has been with the redhead ever since he burst into the room four hours earlier. It was agonizing, witnessing how forlorn Richard was about his charge's state.

However, sitting beside the sleeping redhead, holding his hands through the glove pocket was most painful.

Ryoga massaged his aching head with his free hand while still squeezing Xander's hand with the other. He glanced at the sleeping redhead, a bit relieved that his breathing was even. "Whatever you do Alex, just—just don't let go ok?" He whispered into the air, hoping that the plastic barrier would allow his words to be heard.

"You promised you'd take care of my younger brother." His eyes stung. He wanted to shed more tears but his tears ducts just couldn't take it anymore. "You promised my father that you would make him happy for the rest of his life."

_"I cannot keep him alive longer...allow him to love longer and be loved longer."_

_"I cannot give him what he desperately wished for and it kills me every time I see him long for something that destiny has already decided to take away."_

He tightened his grasp of the redhead's hand. "So don't you dare let go ok? If time is of the essence then I shall do everything in my power to give you more of it."

"Don't you dare."

will

"Don't you dare."

'I know that voice.' Xander slowly weaved his way out of the haze unconsciousness. 'It's Ryoga's.' He gently stirred away from his slumber, his fingers slowly returning Ryoga's grip.

'I dare not, I suppose.'

will

Ryoga stared in wide-eyed wonder as those seemingly eternally-closed eyes slowed opened, revealing those pair of silver blue eyes that used to shine like diamonds. His eyes now, however, seemed to have lost its glow.

"H-hey..." He swallowed hard as he tried to grip Xander's hand tighter, hoping that the young man would return the strength of his grip.

"H-hey." Xander tried to smile, wanting to appease the raven-haired man. "Sorry I fainted on you earlier." His lips are a bit tender, almost cracking from dryness.

Ryoga let out an awkward chuckle. "You did not faint Alex." He shook his head. "You were sedated because you were hysterical earlier."

Upon hearing that from his best friend, he couldn't help but sober up. "I'm sorry." As his strength was slowly returning to his fingers, he tried to grip Ryoga's hand tighter.

Ryoma stared back at his friend. "Whatever you are sorry for? If there is someone who needs to apologize here, it's me." Then out of nowhere, the tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm a pathetic excuse for a best friend when I am unable to sense your suffering." He dropped his gaze to his lap, his tears falling unabashed.

"I'm so useless!"

Xander sadly gazed at the crying man before him. He didn't want this to happen; to see his best friend wail before him like a kid, like him.

Sighing, he reached up for the remote control on his bed and without a word, the plastic barrier automatically rolled up, removing the one thing that separates him from the rest of the world.

"Alexander?!" Richard, who was silently sulking in the corner, stood up abruptly to stop whatever the redhead was planning. "What the hell are you thinking?! You'll get sick—"

Xander threw him a puppy-eyed look and just Richard couldn't resist so he hung his head low in dejection before returning to his corner.

Ryoga, the crying one, was speechless through the whole ordeal. He just helplessly shifted his gaze between the rolled-up barrier and to his friend.

His eyes grew bigger when he saw Xander opened his arms for him. He trailed off when Xander gazed up at him pleading before shaking his head.

"A-Alex..."

Xander smiled sadly. "Right now anything can kill me Ryoga. That is how grave my disease is." His eyes glistened with tears but it was successfully kept at bay.

"But for the warmth of a friend, I'll risk it. Yes, time is running out for me but I believe that I will have strength to race against it if I have your warmth sheltering me."

Forgetting the dignity of a refined man, Ryoga let out a guttural cry before he nearly tackled the weak redhead unto the bed, clinging to his frail body like he's the one who's dying.

"Please Xander...d-don't die on me now." Ryoga muttered against his shoulder. "Don't die. Please don't die."

"Don't leave me like my parents did. Don't leave Ryoma like his past lovers did."

"Please don't you dare die, Alexander Hawthorne. Don't leave me."

willwill

Dropping the heavy wheelbarrow, Ryoma wiped away the beads of sweat that formed on his forehead. He swept an appreciative gaze around him, taking in the progress that they have made after a few hours. Sure this greenhouse project was a bit ambitious and the amount of work they finished today would probably take him a week if he did it alone. He gazed at the exhausted culprits who were sitting on a nice picnic blanket Suzu set up for them.

He could feel his heart flutter as he took in each on of their tired, yet contented expressions. It seems that this is the first time he saw them so relaxed ever since they arrived here Glasgow. He'd seen them look so uptight and frustrated every time they had an encounter.

"Ryoma, out that shovel down and take some rest." Atobe called out. "It'll be a shame if you don't eat Suzu-chan's wonderful snacks."

Sanada gazed at their alienated ex-lover with longing. Before him stood a shadow of the past...a fleeting memory of how Ryoma used to look after a hard, intense game of tennis; drenched in sweat with a brooding aura surrounding him. His fingers ached to feel that sensitized skin, feel the still-contracting muscles. He shook his head and had to swallow hard at that thought.

Ryoma scoffed and pushed the shovel deep into the earth before patting his face and arms dry with a towel. He trudged towards the nearest faucet to wash his hands and face clean. After that, he slowly made his way towards them, a bit suspicious of what's going to happen.

Sensing his uneasiness, Tezuka gave him an apologetic smile and gestured him to sit down. "It's ok Ryoma. We're not going to do anything bad."

Hearing this made Fuji and Atobe chuckle and caused heat to slightly color Ryoma's cheeks.

"What in bloody hell made you say that?" Ryoma snapped at him before he sat on the blanket with a good deal of distance between him and his ex-lovers. He grudgingly took a sandwich and a bottle of juice.

Sanada tried his best to suppress a smirk. Ryoma was, and will always be a brat. He watched as the young man swept a longing gaze at the orchard. His smirk disappeared when he realized what the young man was feeling.

"You miss them don't you?" He suddenly asked, breaking the calm reverie that engulfed them for quite some time.

Ryoma gazed back at him; a flash of sadness was seen in his eyes. "You bet I do." He sighed.

"For what it's worth Ryoma, we are very sorry for you loss. It is inconceivable, even for us to finally realize that they're gone." Atobe said.

Ryoma shook his head. He could feel warmth flooding into his eyes as tears welled up instantly. "You were gone, Karupin's gone, now my parents. You are correct. You can't possibly imagine the hell that I've been through this past years." He averted his gaze, not wanting them to see how vulnerable he is as of the moment.

"Ryoma..." Fuji trailed off.

"You don't have any idea how hard it is to hold on to crumbling pieces." A single treacherous tear escaped and trailed down his cheek.

Tezuka felt someone hammered down his heart so hard he actually flinched from pain. Deciding against norms, he allowed himself to slowly reach out to the young man, only for his hand to be swatted away.

"Don't touch me!" Ryoma gritted his teeth, watching the surprise and disappointed flooded into Tezukas's face.

"You've lost that right when you told be to get out of your lives two years ago."

Tezuka felt the pain in his chest surged up even a notch and it almost bought tears to his eyes but he welcomed the pain wholeheartedly for it is the truth that he was the one to told Ryoma to disappear.

"Ryoma," Tezuka took a deep breath and stood up. Much to their surprise, especially Ryoma, he went over to his side and sat beside him.

"Wha-what the hell are you doing?!" Ryoma protested when the bespectacled man drew him close to his arms. "Let me go!" He tried struggling but Tezuka is still, and will always be stronger than him.

"Mitsu, don't." Atobe muttered, sensing that what his bespectacled lover was doing could potentially destroy what little chance they've got of taking the golden-eyed man back.

Fuji just simply smirked. Tezuka would not be Tezuka if he was not firm, not only in his beliefs but in holding on to his treasures.

Sanada couldn't help but smile. He would've done the same thing; only that Tezuka made the first move and took it even farther than what he had in mind.

"O-oi! Let me go!" Ryoma continued to struggle against Tezuka's embrace but it only made the latter hold him tightly. 'Let me go please! Don't share this warmth with me now.' Slowly he realized that he's efforts to shove his former captain off was declining.

'Please don't make me more confused than I already am!'

Tezuka, sensing that the golden-eyed man was succumbing, gently caressed his hair. "I know Ryoma. I know that the moment I uttered those words, I will forever lose the right to hold you or even touch you...as a lover. But right now, allow me to hold you once again, not as you lover but as your former captain, a former senpai who's supposed to be supporting and looking out for my kohai's welfare." He let out a silent sigh of relief when he felt Ryoma sagged against him.

"I know that you're still in pain from what happened to Nanjiroh-san and Rinko-san and to us." Hazel orbs softened when he felt Ryoma's hand clutched tighter to his shirt. "And I know for a fact that you haven't shared even half of the pain your feeling to anyone; not to Ryoga nor to Xander. If that's the case, we're here. Share it to us."

"And besides, aren't we part of that pain which is burdening you?"

Ryoma shut his eyes tightly against the solid form of Tezuka. He could feel something warm flooding his heart and he couldn't stop it. Tezuka's not supposed to utter those words. He shouldn't. Because those words, so painfully true, were the ones that other people around him failed to offer. His fists curled and he tried to thump Tezuka's chest.

"I-I hate you." Ryoma sobbed as he weakly pounded Tezuka's chest. "I hate you so much."

Without another word, the three who remained as spectators earlier moved to envelope the young quivering mass of sadness in their warmth as well.

And they stay like that, with sobs echoing endlessly, making the orange orchard and the apple plantation and the unfinished greenhouse witnesses to the love that was once shattered.

will

A pair of golden eyes blinked in surprise at the sight before her. Putting the binoculars away, she leaned heavily against the veranda.

"My, my Ryoma...trust your ex-lovers to complicate things more." Her words lacked the acid that it usually contained with speaking in terms of her cousin's former lovers. Witnessing the scene earlier, she couldn't help but sympathize to a certain redhead who was currently missing-in-action.

Nanako stared down at her palms and sighed. "Things are starting to fall back into their places...however it is such a shame that in order to fit everything in the puzzle, some pieces should be discarded."

She gazed back to the spot where her cousin and his former lovers were. "With the four of them here and with you uncovering the feelings that you have long buried, how will Xander place his piece in your life, being that it is overcrowded already?"

will

After strengthening his charges' resolve to fight for their love, Yosuke was once again left on his own to lounge around the castle. The master of the place and his loyal butler were nowhere in sight as well. Seeing that he's up against a long, boring and probably pointless day, he decided to explore the castle and its artistic treasures.

He was halfway done in his inspection of the painting on the second level when he encountered a rather intricate-looking oak door. It was different from the rest due to its artistic wood detailing. Seeing that the door was slightly ajar, curiosity gnawed at him to have a look inside.

He was about to enter when Mimi, one of Xander's maids-in-waiting walked out from an adjacent room with her cleaning materials.

"**Sir Yosuke?**" She asked curiously at the sight of the Japanese butler.

Feeling caught red-handed, Yosuke straightened himself and chuckled nervously. "**Good morning Mimi-chan. Cleaning the rooms I presume?**" He asked, hoping to distract the young lady.

Mimi smiled cheerfully at him and nodded. "**We tend to go all out in cleaning where our Master and Sir Richard and most of the guests are gone.**" she gazed at him curiously when she already noticed the door to which Yosuke was facing.

"**It's the late Lord Lucius' office and this castle's library.**" She said. "**But now, it is Sir Richard's Office since he handles most of Master Xander's businesses ever since Lord Lucius died.**"

"**I see.**" Yosuke nodded. "**Actually, I was having fun appreciating this castle's extensive art collection. I was so enrapt that I wanted to see more and more of the paintings. But if this office is off limits, I'll leave.**"

Mimi's smile grew wider. **"No it's ok Sir Yosuke. This library is open to everyone in the castle, even for the servants. Lord Lucius was very indulgent to his charges especially those who want to expand their knowledge.**" She approached the Japanese butler and opened the door for him.

"**Even I became a regular visitor of this room.**"

Yosuke couldn't help but be amazed when Mimi revealed what seemed like a treasure cove. Towering shelves of books after books greeted him. Few pieces of wooded sculptures adorned the reading area and the lounge. But what amazed him the most was the life-sized portrait of the deceased Count of Horneburg that made all other paintings in the castle shy away in its magnificence.

He felt Mimi moved next to him. "**Every time we come here, it seems like Lord Lucius is still alive and watching over us.**"

Yosuke nodded. It was no rumor that the late count was a beauty to behold. He had been acquainted to the kind man when he accompanied Atobe for a visit twelve years ago. The castle exuded vitality when he was still alive. Although it still does now, no one can compare to Lucius Vilbrandt. He tore his eyes form the painting and to the lone door at the far end of the library.

"A**nd that's the office, I presume?**"

"**Yes.**" Mimi nodded. "**Sir Yosuke, did you know that majority of this castle's painting were made by Sir Richard?**"

Yosuke eyes widened is amazement. "**Really? Now that's something.**" He gazed back to the painting, mesmerized by the skills of his so-called rival.

"**Sir Richard and Lord Lucius go way back. Sir Richard was from a family of painters and the official artists of the castle. Actually, Lord Lucius died halfway through this painting. It was a miracle that when Sir Richard finished it, it was very true to its model, despite his absence.**"

"O**ops!**" Mimi shyly covered her mouth. "**I have blabbered too much.**" She bowed. "**I apologize for disrupting for peaceful explorations Sir Yosuke. I would have to go back to my duties. Please feel free to explore.**" With this, she left the butler on his own.

She was long gone when he decided to move.

'You continued painting even when he's dead, Richard? I guess love is indeed powerful even to the extent of relying only on memories.' He continued to roam about the library when he encountered a black book lying on the floor.

He bent down to pick it up and realized that it was a planner. "Hmm...I wonder who left this here." He scanned the pages for a name to refer its ownership.

"Ah it belongs to Richard." He muttered. 'I've already taken glimpse at some of its content. There's no reason I should...' His thoughts trailed off when he read the contents for that month.

"What the hell is this?" Yosuke gasped as he read the content for the week. "**Friday, call the Red Crescent society in Glasgow for blood reserve for type A. note: buy as much type A bags as possible.**" His forehead creased in curiosity. 'Why stock so many blood bags?' He continued reading through.

"**Saturday, visit Holy Cross. Must follow up every three days and also, call Red Crescent Society in London for more Type A blood bags. Follow up with St. Bridgette General Hospital for the matching results.**"

As he read on, Yosuke couldn't help but feel a certain gloom ominously hovered over him. "What is he? Sick?" He flipped through the first page of the planner and scanned the information about the owner.

"He's a B. Why would he be requesting for an A?" He asked out loud. It was then that he heard footsteps nearing the library that he immediately returned the little black book to its original position and hurriedly left the room.

It was only a scuffle from the maids cleaning the castle but Yosuke was too caught up in his thoughts to have any inclination to go back inside.

'There's definitely something fishy around here.' He gave the door one last look. 'And hell would've frozen over if I'm to leave things as they are.'

willwill

Seeing that Xander finally agreed to start chemotherapy, he and Richard were forced to wear protective gowns and masks since they insisted to stay inside the room. They full-blasted the AC for a few minutes before hastily lowering the plastic barrier once again.

To Xander's side stood a doctor and a nurse, in the same protective get-up as the two, hooking an IV bag covered with paper to an infusion pump which was connected to Xander's arm. The room was dimmed and the two left.

"Whew that was fast." Xander said weakly as he nestled comfortably on his bed. Richard couldn't help himself so he pulled a seat closer to the bed and inserted his hand inside the glove pocket and held Xander's punctured hand.

"Are you ok? Do you feel pain right now?" His voice reeked of concern. "Because if you do, I'll go talk to them about it. It's supposed to be painless since it's diluted—"

Xander smiled at his "father's" apprehension. "It's ok. It doesn't sting."

Ryoga chuckled a little. "You're such a bad kid Xander, making Richard worried and all. You now very well that your uncle in heaven will not be very happy if you continue tormenting him like this." He also inserted his hand on the gloved pocket to touch the redhead as well.

"You're such an insipid twit Ryoga." Richard snapped at him causing Xander to laugh. The older man turned to him, his face less tensed this time. "Now that's a sound I've been wanting for quite some time."

Xander smiled at him. "It's really been a while since I laughed right?"

Ryoga nodded. "And I think you should, more often than necessary. Even if you look like a loon, laugh more frequently. Research says that humor boosts up the immune system."

"Really?" Richard gazed at him.

"Hey, I may be an athlete but I'm no idiot." Ryoga winked at him. Laughter echoed inside the room, even breaking the shear barrier between them. It has been indeed a while since Xander's healthy peal of laughter filled their hearts.

"Hmm...do you think I'd still look hot even if I shave my head?"

willwill

Ryoma had long quieted down and broke off from their embrace. He couldn't explain it himself but doing that, crying and being embraced by the ones are one of the reasons for his tears, made his heart feel a wee bit lighter.

So they just sat there, enjoying the luxury of silence for the first time ever since they gathered together. However, there had been a nagging though in the back of Ryoma head that made him take out his phone.

"I'm going to call Xander." He announced. "Excuse me." He stood up only to be stop when Fuji grasped his hand.

"Ryoma."

"What is it?" The golden-eyed man asked.

"Give me an honest answer to this." Fuji started.

"Ok."

"You know for a fact that your feelings for us had somehow resurfaced. Despite how you battle them off, you know deep in your heart that you still love us." Sapphire eyes glanced up to him, smoldering him with its gaze.

"Why not choose us this time? Why can't we be the ones to love you again? Why still choose Xander?"

Ryoma held Fuji's gaze for a while before he slowly eased off the man's hand off him.

"You had me at my best. He had me at my worst." He moved to walk away form them, his heart heavy with emotions once more.

"And you also broke my heart."

willwillwill

The tile of the movie is "One more chance". That line was the killer.

A/N: That's all I can think of for now. I guess I'm giving myself only two weeks to finish this story since I will be immersing in a tight review schedule. I do apologize for the delay. School is my priority and being a graduating student, I cannot juggle everything at the same time. The good news is, I'm going to graduate this summer. My pre-board self assessment may not be good so I need to put on extra effort if I want to pass the licensure exam and get my license. Until then, it would be indeed very difficult for me to update on a timely manner. The exam is roughly two months away and I'm still not confident if I could pass it.

But I am very determined to top the board exams. I'm ambitious that way. hahahahahahaha

I also have many distractions as of the moment since I'm beginning to unravel the joy of reading yaoi manga and watching Eyeshield 21. I have to make extra effort to bring my focus back to Prince of Tennis. I only have 6-7 chapters left on this story. Please continue supporting me. Your reviews are very much appreciated.

Love you guys!!!!!


	24. IMPORTANT NOTE FROM AUTHORESS PART 2

NOTE TO READERS:

*BOWS LOW* I'M SO SORRY!!! THIS STORY WILL BE ON HIATUS UNTIL JUNE 7. THAT WOULD BE THE LAST DAY OF MY LICENSURE EXAMS! I REALLY, REALLY NEED TO FOCUS. THIS IS THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF MY ACADEMIC LIFE...NO MY LIFE! IF I DON'T GET THIS, IT'LL BE THE END OF ME!!!! T_T ALL MY DREAMS REST ON THIS EXAM...SORRY TO KEEP YOU ON HOLD LIKE THAT BUT I WILL DEFINITELY SEE IT THROUGH THE END. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING!!!!

LIZZA DE GUZMAN a.k.a. RIA SAKAZAKI

PRAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUHUHUHUHUH


	25. the lies we made

Important A/N:

I know, I know I have a lot of explaining to do. I haven't updated WYSLMT?. To tell you honestly, I'm in big trouble with regard to this story since I kind of lost interest. I've been working in a call center these past months and that was stressful. After that came the release of the licensure exam results and I'm happy to announce that I passed and I finally got my license to practice as a professional nurse. So I'm on a fix right now with me still planning out my future. But here I am, trying to finish what I have started. Continue cheering for me ok?

Summary: It wasn't his fault. It never was but one wrong turn destroyed everything. Love was never his forte. As he shields himself from the world, he found someone to hold onto...but will he be able to fight for this person against them, against the memory, against the desire...?

Disclaimer: I don't own POT...though I wish I did so that Ryoma and I can live happily ever after!!!

PS: "" for dialogs, '' for thoughts, italics for flashbacks, dreams and memories and bold for foreign, wired or text conversations. And oh! just to make sure no one's suing me or anything, the plot is conceptualized through the aid of one of CJ Michalski's works, Kokoro no Kagi wo Mitsukete. Although not the entire story itself...only a few bits.

willwillwill

Having said those things Ryoma immediately fled from the orchard, his heart breaking piece by piece with every step he took. It was too much...too much for him to bear.

_"You had me at my best. He had me at my worst."_

_"And you also broke my heart."_

He felt a solitary tear trickled down his cheek. He couldn't fathom the turmoil inside his chest. He had said those words and yet why the rebellious beating of his heart? 'It's just a fist-sized organ but why does it wreck havoc with my being?' Needing something to anchor him to reality, he took his phone and dialed the one number to his salvation.

**"Hello?"** Came an unexpected voice from the other line although not unfamiliar at all.

"Umm Richard why are you the one answering Xander's phone? Where is he?"

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**"Umm Richard why are you the one answering Xander's phone? Where is he?"**

Richard winced at the questions fired at him by Ryoma. He nervously glanced at Xander who was finally asleep. Ryoga was asleep as well, holding the redhead's hand through the plastic barrier as well.

"Umm Xander is currently in a meeting Ryoma." He bit his lips at the lie he just uttered. "Would you like to leave a message?"

"**N-no, I mean I would just like to know w-what time will you be home? I-I want—I mean I need to tell him something important.**"

He could hear how Ryoma's voice broke. 'Is he crying?' Richard ran-sacked his brain for a plausible answer knowing that after the chemotherapy session, Xander needed to stay for the night for intense monitoring.

**"R-Richard?"**

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"R-Richard?" Ryoma bit his lips, suppressing the sob that threatened to escape from his throat. His mind was in a haze and he couldn't think straight. More tears threatened to escape from his eyes.

**"I'm sorry Ryoma-kun." **

Ryoma felt his chest tightened and he was unable to suppressed a gasp for the much needed air.

"Wu-what? You're meaning to say—"

**"I'm sorry but Xander and I are not going home for the night. The Grand Duke, Xander's grandfather requested for an immediate audience—"**

Ryoma mind went blank. It seemed that all his neurons shut down instantaneously. Without the higher functions of his magnificent brain, the tears broke free from the will that was restraining it. Ryoma choked back a sob.

"You're n-not c-coming home? But you just arrived!" He protested. He could feel his knees shaking. "This is insane. I-I mean Xander told he he'll be back in no time." He fought hard, with the last ounce of control to keep himself from wailing.

'I need him right now! Please!' He bit his lip hard, keeping the outraged cry in his chest.

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Richard felt like throwing his self into a cliff upon sensing Ryoma's obvious distress. The lie that he and Xander had spun together grew from a small yarn ball into a hundred-yard cloth.

"I am really sorry Ryoma-kun. But you and I know that Xander's place in their family is very fragile. All these years, he has been striving to gain the respect of the main family." He took a deep breath before releasing his last attack.

"This could be his chance. I'm sure you'll understand."

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Upon hearing that statement, Ryoma's knees buckled and so he collapsed on the ground, hopeless, defeated.

He hastily wiped away those treacherous tears. "Y-yes I understand." He wrapped his free arm around his body as if to ward off the chill.

"I wouldn't want to ruin his chance." And with that, the phone slowly slipped from his grip and into the ground but he doesn't care.

For the only thing he knew as of the moment is that he is alone...abandoned... and even the thought of the redhead seemed to become cold comfort for him.

"I wouldn't want to ruin his life like I ruined mine."

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The line was long dead before Richard could actually blink back to reality. It should be impossible but Ryoma sounded more morose than that day his parents died. He couldn't suppress the shudder that went down his spine at how pained the golden-eyed man's voice was. 'What happened was inevitable.'

'That couldn't be helped Richard. You agreed to this. Xander has his share of the lies and so do you.' He slumped back onto the chair, successfully waking Ryoga in the process.

The golden-eyed man rubbed his tired eyes. "Oh, you're awake Richard?" He asked as he gently released Xander's hand to stretch his stiff muscles.

The butler couldn't say a thing but stare miserably at the young man. He just rubbed his hands against his face hard, wanting to wake up from such a horrible ordeal.

Ryoga's eyes narrowed upon seeing how upset the older man looked. "Hey, are you ok?"

Richard swallowed hard at the lump in his throat. His eyes felt warm but he couldn't let himself shed tears...not now.

"I expect you to honor your friend's wish and keep this matter from your brother as of the moment Ryoga." His eyes implored to the young man. 'I know that we're adding another lie-weaver but I need to do this.'

Ryoga's mood suddenly became sober. 'Yeah...' He glanced back to his sleeping friend. 'It wasn't a dream. The sick Xander is reality.'

"I just don't get it. Ryoma knowing his condition might just help him get better." He couldn't help but pout. "I mean, if I were in his position, I would want my loved ones to be there for me to help me recover."

Richard tried to massage his aching temple. "That's what I've been trying to tell him but he refuses. He's afraid that his condition will cause Ryoma to leave him and I bloody see light in his premise knowing that Ryoma-kun's ex-lovers are currently residing in the very same castle that he owns and my god his very own cousin..."

Ryoga's eyes widened in surprise. Never did he suspect that Richard knew all along. Fear gripping his heart, his head snapped back to Xander and upon seeing that his friend was still safe in lala land, he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding back.

"You knew?!" Ryoga whispered in outrage. He stood up from the chair and no-so-gently tugged Richard out of the room. "You knew that Atobe Keigo is my brother's ex-lover?!" The door was safely shut behind them when he hissed. This was something he did not expect at all.

Richard gently eased from Ryoga's death grip. "Yes I knew up to that part...wherein Young Master Keigo and his lovers go way back with Ryoma-kun."

"I'm not as gullible as my adorable charge is."

"I don't know if they plan to take Ryoma-kun back and leave Xander in the dark nor I don't know if your brother will go back to them and leave poor Xander to his—" Richard bit back the rest of his statement as he realized that Ryoga's expression turned from sober to grim.

Ryoga was astounded. He couldn't even stop Richard at his tirade for he knew that half of what he was saying is true. He just collapsed on the chair behind him and buried his face in his hands.

Richard let out a sigh and studied the man for a while. "Well? Are you going to confirm what I said or—"

"Look...I am not going to confirm everything ok? I know for a fact that Atobe and the others are here to take Ryoma back because they have realized what assholes they have been for the past two years." He bit his lip, trying to compose his thoughts. "I do not know how they're going about it but I know for sure that it has been hell for all of us. I mean...come on! In the span of few weeks our parents died then he and Xander got together. In addition to that, they are on the quest to find their happiness and now Xander is sick."

He raked his hand through his head. "The only person I'm worried about right know, for honesty's sake, is my brother. No one could ever imagine how he must've been struggling through all this."

Richard felt for the young man and his family. 'Indeed a lot has happened to them. They have their own share of pain as well.' He couldn't suppress the pang of guilt that hit him like a bullet from a shotgun. It shook him to the core that he finally decided it was best for him to sit as well.

"I think it would be best if you go home for now." He muttered, his eyes cast on the floor.

Ryoga looked up, looking more distraught than before. "What in bloody hell are you talking about? Why would I want to go home? Xander needs me—"

Richard glared at him, his angry steel eyes almost cutting the life out of him. "Didn't you just mention earlier that the person whom you're worried the most is your brother? Go home. Ryoma-kun could use a pair of ears to listen to." He glared down at the floor. "After what I said to him, I'm more sure than ever that he needs someone to be there for him right now."

Now Ryoga looked more confused than ever. "What?! I don't understand—"

Richard wanted to claw out the young man's eyes in frustration but he stilled his self. "Ryoma called in earlier sounding very upset. He requested to talk to Xander." Richard gritted his teeth. At least he's being honest this time.

"Since Xander is indisposed to talk to him I told him that we're not coming home for the evening for the grand duke, Xander's grandfather had requested for our presence at the main castle."

For the first time since they started talking, he held Ryoga's gaze long enough to make the younger man see how sorry he was not just through his words but through his eyes as well.

"I did not mean to sound the way I sounded earlier but I may have implied to Ryoma that Xander is not to be deterred because this is his chance of a lifetime. I didn't have any choice but to stand by Xander in this...no matter how atrocious things would turn out of be."

He finally broke eye contact and stared at his shaking hands. "I know what I did will only add up to the pile of lies that Xander and I weaved together but if it's for his sake; I am more than willing to weave lies until my fingers bled."

"That's how much I love my son Ryoga. Now how far are you willing to go for you brother?"

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Tired and weary, Ryoma could only turn to one thing he knew could numb him even just for a little while. Taking a bottle of whiskey, he locked his self inside Xander's room.

He has been staring at the ceiling for quite a while now, trying desperately to sort out his thoughts and his feelings as well.

'What the hells is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?' He closed his eyes and chewed on his lower lip hard. 'One moment I am promising Xander forever...then next my heart would go all giddy when I'm with the others.' He could feel his eyes warming up with tears once more.

'I'm so stupid.' He huffed out. 'I'm only running away from everything and there will come a time that there will be no more place left for me to run to.'

'What should I do when that time comes?'

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Ryoga reluctantly stepped out of his car and stared at the enormous building before him. He let out a deep sigh. The Hawthorne Castle isn't a place of dread but for now, he is most uncertain if he really wants to go inside and find his brother.

"Echizen Ryoga." A deep voice came to his ears, making him jolt.

He turned around and became worried of the solemn expression Yosuke has. 'Does he know something?' He couldn't help but ask his self. Despite the initial shock, he composed him self and gave the Japanese butler a small smile.

"Hello there Yosuke, my good man. How is everything in the castle?" He tried to sound natural. He didn't want to give away his unease with the situation they are all in.

"Well, pardon me for my language but everything seemed fucked up as of the moment Ryoga-san." Yosuke smirked, watching the younger man flinch.

"Wha-why would you say that Yosuke?" Ryoga replied, turning slightly to start walking towards the castle. He did this to hide his anxiety from Yosuke but the relentless butler seemed to want to continue the conversation as he walked side by side with him.

"Well the young master of the castle is AGAIN missing in action as well as his butler. Isn't that interesting? Both of them disappearing at the same time without word for the guests as to when they will be returning?" Yosuke knew he was pushing hard at the buttons he knew would tick Ryoga off but he has to try. There's so much going on in the castle's shadow for him to ignore.

"Isn't that a bit rude? I mean talk about improper etiquette."

Ryoga suddenly stopped dead on his tracks, his eyes seeing nothing but red. 'How dare he—!'

"Welcome Ryoga-san. May I take your coat?"

Ryoga's nose was flaring and if not for Mimi greeting him, he would've punched the older man. He slowly let out the air that was trapped inside his lungs before he turned the Yosuke. He did it so with utmost calm in his body but with death in his eyes.

"Aren't you the one being rude for talking bad about your host, Butler-san? Isn't that improper etiquette too?" With this he shook his coat off and handed it to the maid.

"Is my brother here?" He asked through greeted teeth as he let Mimi lead him upstairs.

"Yes Ryoga-san. He's in Master Xander's quarters. Would you care for some refreshment or wine perhaps?" The girl replied.

Ryoga cast only last loathing look at the butler who remained by the foot of the stairs before he turned to Xander's chambermaid.

"No." He almost snapped. "I mean no thank you. I'll be taking my brother home with me." With this, he strode purposely towards his best friend's room, hoping not to run into more annoying house guests.

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It wasn't long when Yukimura and Kirihara found them and joined their efforts in building the green house. Despite Ryoma's abrupt departure earlier, they somehow found the strength to continue working.

"So is this your form of penance? Hard labor?" Kirihara leaned against the upright spade he was using. "I mean I can understand if this is indeed penance for Atobe-senpai but you guys?" He cast a teasing look on the three.

Atobe glared at the brat with much vehemence he would muster. "Shut it brat or I'll impale you with these nails."

"Keigo." Sanada gave his lover a warning glance before turning to his kohai. "You better control your tongue Akaya. You are addressing my lover."

Kirihara sighed. "Fine, fine but tell me. What the real deal?"

Tezuka, who was busy strengthening the concrete foundations with Yukimura, paused to answer his question.

"We just felt like doing it."

"Oh come on!"

"Seriously...we saw Ryoma doing this on his own so we decided to help him a bit."

Kirihara shook his head in disbelief.

"Akaya, please let it go." Yukimura gave him a knowing glance.

"Let what go? I mean I just want to know whether this is an act of pure kindness or this is one way to make Ryoma remember how they were in the past." Kirihara muttered, not realizing that everybody else stood frozen at the middle of his tirade.

"I mean if he remembers..." He trailed off, feeling the shivers ran down his spine. He turned to see that everyone, especially Fuji, was giving him THE LOOK...

Fuji tried hard to pull his lips up to a bitter smile. Even with his eyes closed, he knew that Kirihara would sense the message.

"I do hate it when somebody other than me gets the upper-hand."

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'God my head hurts.' It was the first thought which was able to pass through the haze in his mind. He stirred slowly, not wanting to aggravate the headache even further.

"I should've stayed away from the whiskey."

"I couldn't agree with you more."

Ryoma jolted from the bed to gape at the gloomy figure by the dresser. It took him a couple of seconds, blinking his eyes a few times, to make out Ryoga's face. With a groan, he slumped back on the bed, hands covering his eyes.

"Great...if you're going to lecture me, please do it later."

Ryoga shifted from his seat to face his younger brother. "Why are you drinking again?" His query was answered by another groan. He sighed and massaged his temples. 'This is going to be hard.'

"Did they approach you again for reconciliation?"

Ryoma swallowed hard for somehow, along the way, his dear brother learned mind-reading.

Ryoga took his silence as a yes. "Well? How are you taking it?"

"Take what?"

"Their advances. Are you fending them off or are you softening up to them?"

Ryoma, migraine forgotten, sat up abruptly to glare at him. "Are you trying to implicate something?"

Ryoga, already immune to Ryoma's eyes, just met his gaze with a calm one. "You tell me. What do you think I'm implicating?"

"Argh!!" Ryoma screamed into his hands.

"Stop!"

"Stop twisting up the words! Damn it! Can't you see I'm suffering enough as it is?!" Without warning the tears just came and he couldn't stop it.

"S-stop confusing me! God!" He sobbed.

Ryoga did not hesitate to ran to him and draw him into his arms. "I'm sorry Ryoma...I did not mean to confuse you. I'm sorry."

The younger one just held on for his dear life. "I'm trying t-to do the right thing here Ryoga. I'm trying my hardest to stay true to the promises I made."

Ryoga frowned. This is not what he wanted to hear. He certainly did not want to hear Ryoma's weakening resolve against the past. "Damn those bastards."

"You can't possibly understand how hard this is for me now. I loved them! I loved them with all my heart but they broke it." Ryoma thumped his brother's chest with his tightly clenched fist. "They ripped my heart into pieces!"

"But now that I'm just starting to sew it back, they returned only to pull on the seams. It hurts Ryoga…it hurts so much."

Ryoga just allowed his little brother to have his way with him. He couldn't move, let alone retaliate. This is Ryoma pouring out all those pent up emotions kept inside for two years…and the force of it is taking him for one hell of a ride.

"But the person I couldn't forgive is my self because I can't seem to forget how much they meant to me even though I already allowed someone else in my makeshift shack of a heart."

"I love Xander, Ryoga. I want to cherish him…but I couldn't deny the fact that I love them as well."

Ryoga closed his eyes, his brain going a mile a second. He couldn't seem to process a proper response so he just held Ryoma tighter.

"It's going to be okay Ryoma…just you wait. Everything's going to be alright."

They stayed like that for a few minutes...just clinging to each other and him muttering reassuring nonsense. It is as if by doing that, they're appeasing the turmoil inside their own respective hearts.

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The sun was already low on the horizon when the four of them decided to go back to the castle. After doing significant justice to their project, they decided that it was time to retire. What they didn't expect though was the identical pair of Echizen brothers that came across them by the door.

Fuji tried to smile at both of them, still very much aware of the incident earlier. "We didn't know you were here Ryoma."

The said man just shrugged and averted his gaze.

Ryoga noticed the rather soft rebuke of his brother towards the tensai. "Dillydallying aside, we really need to depart." He held Ryoma's hand and ushered him on. "Come now Ryoma."

The younger man allowed his brother to gently drag him away. "Ja."

Sanada couldn't help but smile, truthfully this time, knowing that no matter how things became cruel to them, Ryoma's starting to treat them better.

"We'll see you tomorrow Ryoma."

A fleeting "'kay" still rang in their ears as the man they love was whisked away by his older brother.

Fuji couldn't contain his self as he flung his body at Tezuka.

"Thank God Mitsu." He muttered against his neck. "Whatever you did earlier, it worked. God it worked!"

Atobe couldn't but agree to the tensai. However, despite his urge to rejoice with his lovers, he couldn't quite quell the guilt that started to resurface once more.

'I am happy...but my happiness will mean pain for Xander.' He closed his eyes, not wanting any of his lovers to see the gloom in his eyes.

'But for honesty's worth, I'll give you everything Xander, anything you want...just give Ryoma back to us.'

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A/N: Don't punish me! Please don't punish me! Wahahahahahahhaha! The idea for this story totally vanished in my mind. If it wasn't for nostalgia, I wouldn't be able to write this chapter but I'll work hard, given that I'm still unemployed. Wahahahah! Do watch out for the updates...I'm close towards the end.

Love lots,

Ria Sakazaki


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